Close Encounters of the Chuck Kind - Year 1

This is a record of all the ways Chuck has contacted me since I lost him
on September 4, 2002. The most recent contacts are at the top, so if you
are new to this journal, read it bottom's up!
Things to look for as a Chuck Encounter!




Year 2: Chuck continues to amaze and comfort us (Sept 4, 2003 - Sept 3, 2004)
Year 3: Chuck continues to amaze and comfort us (Sept 4, 2004 - Sept 3, 2005)
Year 4: Chuck continues to amaze and comfort us

Wed Sep 3 2003 I Will Take Your Advice Steely Dan song presented itself this morning on the radio. "I did not think the girl could be so cruel, and I'm never going back to my old school." Then Elton John "I'm a bitch I'm a bitch, the bitch is back, stone cold sober as a matter of fact... I'm better than you." Then I hit the snooze and had a talk with Chuck. He seemed to still be upset with me. I told him he was right about me not going on-line to those sites. I told him he is always right and I will take his advice as long as I can understand what he wants me to do.

I'm sure Chuck listened to me. The next song on the radio was a Beatles song, Getting Better. "It's getting better since you've been mine." Last was a sad Guess Who song, These Eyes. Chuck had sent this one to me before. "These eyes cry every night over you...These arms long to hold you again."

Tue Sep 2 2003 No Sugar Beach Boys song came on to wake me up. "Gotta keep those lovin' good vibrations a happenin' with her." Then was the Guess Who, No Sugar Tonight. "Lonely feeling, deep inside. Find a corner where I can hide...No sugar to stand beside me. No sugar to run with me."
Mon Sep 1 2003 Month of Zlurp I started working on Zlurp this evening, and my monitor was creaking off and on the whole time. It seemed like Chuck was encouraging me. :-)
Mon Sep 1 2003 Snippet Had a snippet of a dream. Briefly saw Chuck kneeling in front of a girl sitting in an airport waiting-at-the-gate kind of chair. She was young, reddish brown medium length hair. Looked kind of sad and thoughtful. Chuck was wearing his vette shirt I gave him and jeans. He looked like he did in the pics I was recently scanning in from 1999. He had a sad little smile on his face. He seemed to be counselling her, trying to make her feel better. He was concerned about her. Then my level of sleep shifted - I woke up slightly, and the dream was gone.

Radio went off, and I was treated to "Let me stand next to your fire." Hendrix.

In life Chuck would do anything to help people, even if he didn't know them. Many times he stopped to help guys with broken down bikes. If he knew you, he would go to great lengths to help you if you needed it. I'm sure he is doing the same in heaven. He has the kindest heart.

Sun Aug 31 2003 96 Tears 96 Tears was on the radio. I think this song was in response to yesterday. "I'm going to cry 96 tears..." Then a Van Morrison song "Baby please don't go, baby please don't go." Chuck absolutely does not like the thought of me considering being with someone else.
Sat Aug 30 2003 Monitor Talk Had a conversation with my monitor this evening. I was poking around on one of those singles sites, just checking it out, and my monitor started creaking away. (not the one I was on cause I surf on my powerbook!) It actually sounded angry to me. So I guessed that Chuck didn't like me looking on that site. I told him that nobody could ever replace him, that I didn't want to replace him, that I loved him. And I wouldn't mess around on that site if he didn't want me to. Monitor stayed quiet. There were like 2 screens left I wanted to look at and then I was leaving the site. When I clicked on the next screen, the monitor started creaking at me again, like hey you said you wouldn't go there. So I said ok, you don't like this and quit out.

I think Chuck is struggling with what I'm going to do with myself. He sends me messages about me moving on, but he really doesn't want me to. When I actually stuck the tip of my toe in to test the waters, he freaked out. At least that's how it felt to me.

Thu Aug 28 2003 I May Be Crazy Black Magic Woman was on the radio first thing this morning. "Got your spell on my baby. I need you so bad." Then was a Billy Joel song, You May Be Right. At first I smiled that it was Billy Joel cause Chuck doesn't like him. But as I listened I realized that it was really one of those songs Chuck could sing to me word for word. "You may be right, I may be crazy. But it just may be a lunatic you're looking for."
Wed Aug 27 2003 I Can Dream About You Had a wonderful Chuck dream this morning. Started off I was dreaming about visiting times on this calendar. I would touch the entry and go there. I touched this entry about the car of the future and found myself by this sleek black 4 door car. I had a hose in my hand that was spraying out oil and didn't know where to put it. I whirled around and sprayed oil over everything. I finally just dropped it to go look at the car. It was really cool. There was a sign next to it that said it was 2075, so I was in the future!

I got into the passenger side and thought it reminded me of my Honda and Chuck would really like it. Then Chuck got into the driver's seat. I was really happy to see him and gave him a hug. He was all bundled up in a coat and had a pretty bushy beard going this time like the framed pic I have of him driving.

He started up the car and took off like usual, a bit too fast. I just got the words out of my mouth that he better be careful when he hit a patch of ice as he turned onto the road. We went spinning around, down the embankment, into a bunch of woods. We were both laughing and laughing. The car came to rest and we could see other cars in the ditch with us. Chuck said, "See I wasn't the only one." I said soothingly, that's right. Car started right up and Chuck drove it up and back on the road.

Suddenly we were inside somewhere, on my old sectional sofa. Chuck was much thinner and had no beard. I told him he was getting skinny. We were chatting and he kept turning into one of the sofa cushions, but with his face coming out of the rounded edge. He didn't seem to notice when this happened. Mark Ritchie was there too. We all had a fun conversation, but I don't remember what it was about. I would go close to Chuck and brush my hand on his cheek and smile.

His voice sounded a lot like his brother Joe's to me and I told him he sounded like Joey. He said it must have been the pill he took - he was fighting off a cold. I said yeah, that must be it, but I was sadly thinking it's probably because I'm forgetting the sound of your voice.

Then we were playing a game of blowing these snowflake looking seeds at eachother. They were floating in the air and Chuck would blow them at me. They would come drifting over and I would blow them back. I was laughing cause I had more lung power and they would be right on top of him before he could blow them back. He got a little annoyed that I was winning the battle and jumped up to hide down some steps to let the snowflakes miss him. Then he came back and I woke up.

Radio came on later with "Keep on rolling." Over and over, at the end of the song. Chuck giving me encouragement to keep going?

Tue Aug 26 2003 Watching the Wheels "I'm just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round." John Lennon singing to me from the radio. Then was the Jefferson Airplaine sing, Somebody to Love. Chuck has sent that one my way a lot. I still am not sure why.

More bathroom thoughts today as well. "Set me free why don't you babe?" I got upset at that and sang back to Chuck "I'm lost without your love. Life without you isn't worth the trouble of. I'm as helpless as a ship with out a wheel, a touch without a feel, and I can't believe it's real." Chuck had sent this to me before, and it's stuck with me.

Mon Aug 25 2003 More Than A Feeling Boston was on when the radio went on. "Dream of a girl I used to know. I closed my eyes and she slipped away...More than a feeling, when I hear those old songs played again." Then I hit the snooze.

Stones song, Wild Horses was on after the snooze. "Wild horses couldn't drag me away." SNOOZE!

Then the Guess Who, Laughing, which is a very sad song. "I go alone now, calling your name...Time goes slowly, but carries on, And now the best years, the best years have come and gone". This one made me cry.

I also had some lyric thoughts in the bathroom getting ready for work. "Where is the love?" Then "When will I see you again?" Definitely sadness this morning all around. :-( I will say that the Boston song seemed to be reinforcing that Chuck is telling me things via the radio.

Sat Aug 23 2003 Day Tripper Radio woke me with a Beatles song, Day Tripper. I think this was just a nod to being the Beatles and not to take this one literally. Thank you for the Beatles Chuck! :-)
Fri Aug 22 2003 If I Needed Someone In the shower I had a song pop into my mind. Nice Beatles song, If I Needed Someone. "If I needed someone to love, you're the one that I'd be thinking of, if I needed someone."
Thu Aug 21 2003 Button Up Your Overcoat Had a whole set of songs on the radio today. First was ELP, From the Beginning. "It's all clear, you were meant to be here, from the beginning." I know Chuck wants me to be with him.

Then was Kind of a Drag. "Girl I still love you. I'll always love you. Anyway. Anyway." Of course the song is all about "her cheating on him", but I hope Chuck intends me to focus on the loving part! I never cheated on him!

Next was a Beatles song, You Can't Do That. Another one about cheating. I don't know how Chuck could possibly want me to take this one literally...

As I was getting ready for work I had 2 songs pop in at me one after the other. First "How can I be sure in a world that's constantly changing? How can I be sure where I stand with you?" Then "Button up your overcoat when the wind blows free. Take good care of yourself, you belong to me." Chuck is bouncing all over this morning. He seems confused, but he still cares.

Wed Aug 20 2003 Do You Know Had a lyric burst into my mind while I was in the bathroom this morning. "Do you know where you're going to? Do you like the things that life is showing you? Where are you going to? Do you know?" No Chuck, I don't like what life has been showing me lately, and no, I don't know where I'm going. I guess this is a suggestion that I should think about some things!
Mon Aug 18 2003 Closer to My Home Radio came on at the very end of this song. Kept hearing over and over "I'm getting closer to my home". Wonder if that means that Chuck is making progress in heaven.
Sun Aug 17 2003 Landslide Woke up before the radio and told Chuck over and over how much I miss him. First song I heard was Landslide by Fleetwood Mac. Chuck played the same song for me on 6-19. This one means a lot to me.
Fri Aug 15 2003 Queen Paul A lyric thought popped into my head right when I woke up. "I'm lost without your love. Life without you isn't worth the trouble of. I'm as helpless as a ship without a wheel, a touch without a feel, and I can't believe it's real." This has haunted me since I thought it. I really can't believe all this is real.

Off goes the radio, and first thing I hear is Paul's Listen to What the Man Said. "Love is blind for all we know, for all we know our love will grow." Then I did the snooze thing. After that Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody was on. "I see a little silhouetto of a man..." "I'm just a poor boy, nobody loves me..." "Will you let me go? No no no no no no!" This is what jumped out at me from that song. When I saw Chuck in the bedroom he was basically a silhouette. It sounds like Chuck is feeling sorry for himself this morning. Why shouldn't we still feel sad in heaven? Most likely we will leave people behind that we don't want to leave.

Wed Aug 13 2003 Stones There was a Rolling Stones song on when the radio went on this morning. It was Bitch. Sorta romantic? ;-)
Mon Aug 11 2003 Nobody Song lyric popped into my mind - "Nobody can do the shake like I do, nobody can do the boogaloo like I do. Nobody. Nobody." :-)

Well, Chuck doesn't have to tell me how unique he is. I already know.

Sat Aug 9 2003 Snoozeriffic Well I hit the snooze a bunch of times this morning! To start it all off, Sweet Home Alabama was on..."Lord I'm coming home to you." Then SNOOZE!

Beatles song was on, She's So Heavy. "I want you. I want you so bad. I want you. I want you so bad it's driving me mad, it's driving me mad." And SNOOZE!

Then there was a Stones song, Mother's Little Helper. The Beatles/Stones combo really makes me feel Chuck is there. Once again SNOOZE!

"Anything you want, you got it." Roy Orbison. Then "So tired. Tired of waiting. Tired of waiting for you. I was a lonely soul, I had nobody till I met you." The Kinks. And a James Taylor song, Fire and Rain. "I always thought that I'd see you again."

Chuck feels very scattered this morning. Not focused. In the bathroom getting ready I had a lyric pop into my mind - "That's how much I feel, feel for you baby. That's how much I need, I need your touch."

Fri Aug 8 2003 Pushing Too Hard First lyric I heard on my radio this morning was "Pushing too hard. Pushing too hard." Over and over. Was the end of the song. I think Chuck was telling me to ease up. I've been working very hard with therapy, and yesterday I actually hurt myself, pulled a muscle in my leg.

Hit the snooze...Then I heard the end of Running Against the Wind. Sounds like another comment about me working myself too hard.

Next was the Zombies song She's Not There. Chuck played that one for me last on 6-23. Last was a Beatles song, Revolution. "You know it's going to be alright." Thank you Chuck for the encouragement!

Wed Aug 6 2003 Cardinal Revisited I was just getting started driving in to work, on Darrell road. I saw this bright bit of red in a tree on the right side of the road. As I got closer I could see the cardinal, and it looked like he was looking in my direction. Suddenly he flew right across the road, but swerved in towards my windshield. I yanked my foot off the gas to slow down, and the bird swerved away again and flew off. Then I remembered that a couple of weeks before, I was driving to my Mom's and the same thing happened. That time was on Barrington road, and it was a female cardinal. Chuck definitely got my attention with those swooping birds!

Right after the bird flew off the next thing I heard on the radio was an Ozzy lyric - "I don't have the answers". Almost every morning I ask Chuck questions about how he is, what he's doing, what it's like in heaven, how can we communicate better. Maybe Chuck was telling me that he can't answer my questions.

Wed Aug 6 2003 Monitor My computer monitor was creaking very loudly over and over 3 or 4 times. It woke me up. I said hi to Chuck and looked over at the corner by the monitor, but didn't see him.
Tue Aug 5 2003 Hall & Oates Morning Getting ready for work, and had lyrics coming to me one after another. First was from Sara Smile - "When you feel cold, I'll warm you. And when you feel you can't go on, I'll come and hold you. It's you...and me forever." Then I thought "You're out of touch, I'm out of time. But I'm out of my head when you're not around." I find it so funny that Chuck nudged these at me. As far as I know, he couldn't stand Hall & Oates. :-)
Fri Aug 1 2003 Someday The first phrase I heard this morning from the radio was "Someday lady you'll accompany me." Yes I will Chuck.
Thu Jul 31 2003 NIN Chuck gave me a typical (for him!) birthday thought this morning...NIN song lyrics "Get down, make love". He really loved that band! When I was working on the video games for Touch-IT and needed a sample MPG movie, he got me a NIN video. We must have watched it a few hundred times during design and test of that game. :-)
Wed Jul 30 2003 Eventful morning! Had a long Chuck dream this morning. At first, I thought the guy in my dream was Nicholas Cage of all people. Then he turned into Chuck! Chuck liked Cage a lot, so it's no big surprise he might want to try looking like him on occasion! ;-)

I had the feeling in my dream that Chuck had been gone for a long time and I didn't know when I'd see him again. Then he came up to me and we laughed and hugged and he was talking a mile a minute about what he was doing. Something about they were giving them houses to fix up and once the houses were fixed they could do what they wanted with them. He had been gone with an acting troop of some kind. He laughed and told me he had been puttying for months. I said you're turning the houses into theaters then? He smiled.

At one point we were driving in a convertible, laughing, wind blowing our hair. Then we were laying down on a blanket in the grass next to the convertible. Sunshine, beautiful day. We were laying next to eachother cuddling and talking. Next thing I knew I was giving him a back rub. He had taken his shirt off and he was actually kind of skinny. I told him man you lost a lot of weight! Then I noticed there was a ton of stuff tattooed on his back - words, signatures, series of numbers, letters from people. I got really sad cause this meant someone was messing around with him while he was gone. Like he hadn't been faithful. I wanted to ask him about it, who had done it. But I didn't really want to know the answer. So at that point I was very sad.

Then Chuck started talking about his plans for the future. He had a brilliant idea, and it was time for us to leave I.T. We wouldn't have to work for anyone alse ever again. That cheered me up because he was including me in his plans. I gave him a big hug and he spun me around laughing like he used to in the kitchen.

Then we were at a restaurant, going to sit down and eat with a bunch of people who hadn't seen him in a while. He sat down all happy and grinning. There was no room left at the table, so I had to sit at another table. I was so unhappy I almost cried. He didn't care enough that I wasn't by him. Then Chuck switched places with a guy so he could sit next to me even though we were at different tables. I was still very sad cause he didn't care enough to make sure there was room for me first.

That was a long involved dream, and I'm sure I left out stuff cause I couldn't write it all down fast enough when I woke up! Something interesting...the next day Dave G. loaned me a movie, Memento. The main character has tattoos all over himself to remind him of things - names, numbers, phrases. I didn't put it together with this dream until after I watched the movie a few days later. I think I will have to watch it again more closely. Maybe there's something in it Chuck wants me to pay attention to!

When the radio came on, I was treated to a Beatles song, We Can Work It Out. Then an Elton song that said "Lately I've been thinking how much I miss my lady".

The dream and the Beatles song made me think - are we still the same in heaven, can we still hurt eachother? I got out of bed and walked to the bathroom. The monitor in the corner started creaking a bunch of times, so I walked over to it. I felt a little of the "communication tingle" so I thought maybe Chuck is there right now. Maybe he felt bad that he upset me in that dream. I held my arms out to him so if he was there he could hug me even if I couldn't feel it. I looked at the monitor screen in case I could see him in it, but it was just a reflection of the room.

Then on the way to work, Tommy and I were on Dundee right by rt 53 and I saw a produce truck...Chuck McRae! Big bold CHUCK. :-) I smiled at that. Chuck spent a lot of time with me this morning!

Mon Jul 28 2003 I'm Calling Started the day with a song playing in my mind. Steve Miller song - "In the wintertime, when all the leaves are brown, and the wind blows, so chill, and the birds have all flown for the summer, I'm calling, hear me calling , hear me calling." I've loved this song. The melody is very haunting. Maybe Chuck is telling me that something will be happening this winter.

Alarm went off, and the very end of an Elton song was on - "Harmony, Harmony, Harmony" over and over. Another peaceful sentiment. I hit the snooze.

Next was a BTO song - "Would you cry if I told you I had lied, and would you say goodbye, or would you let it ride?" Chuck already knows the answer to that. I cried, said goodbye and then let it ride. So I guess I did all of the above! ;-)

After that was Pete Townsend's Let My Love Open the Door. "Did my love open the door to your heart?" "Only one thing gonna set you free, that's my love."

Lastly Joe Cocker - "You feeling alright? I'm not feeling too good myself." Chuck doesn't seem that happy this morning.

Sun Jul 27 2003 You Can Count On Me Had a lyric pop into my head when I first woke up..."I love you, you know I do, you love me too...You can count on me, you can count on me." Was that same Chicago song that Chuck played on 7-25. I like that one a lot.
Sat Jul 26 2003 Hey You First thing I heard was a Rolling Stones song on the radio this morning. Always makes me smile. I know Chuck is around. The song was Get Off My Cloud. Then was Heard It In A Love Song. Not the best, happiest song around, so I'm not sure of it's significance, if any!
Fri Jul 25 2003 Yes Is The Answer Lots of musical messages this morning from Chuck. To start was a John Lennon song, Mind Games. Radio came on right at "Yes is the answer. And you know that for sure." A nice positive message!

Next was a Chicago song Call On Me. "I love you. You know I do. You love me too." I had to look at the lyrics to get the whole meaning of the song. This was one of those "take every word literally" songs. It made a big impact on me. I don't know if I can do what he says he wants me to do in the song.

Then there was a quick station promo. Turned out that in honor of Mick Jagger's 60th birthday they were going to play 60 Stones songs in a row. Now that is Chuck emphasizing his point! ;-)

After that I heard "I'm a man, yes I am and I can't help but love you so." Another Chicago song!

Finally was a Who song, My Generation - "Hope I die before I get old." Chuck told me many times that he was surprised that he made it to 30, and that he didn't think he would see 40. Somehow I think I knew that he wouldn't be around. I never had visions or daydreams of us growing old together. :-(

Thu Jul 24 2003 One First thing I heard this morning - "It's just no good any more since you went away". This is One by Three Dog Night. I miss you very much Chuck and I think you miss me too.
Wed Jul 23 2003 Trying to Help? I woke up as I often do at 5am. Sent Chuck a lot of thoughts. I wanted to have some communication other than music cause I miss him so much. Then I fell back to sleep. I had a dream. I was lying in my bed and I felt someone lay down next to me and put their arms around me. But then it felt like they melted INTO me. It was Chuck. He wanted me to tell someone about a child that was very sick. I didn't see Chuck, but I felt him telling me, not even hearing him, just felt it.

Then I felt myself leave my body and Chuck was with me, travelling inside of me. I travelled instantly to this lady who was trying to ride this very strange motorcycle. It looked more like a bicycle with a motorcycle tank on it. It was way too tall for the lady. The lady reminded me of Colleen Powell, tattoo Tommy's sister.

Chuck started speaking to her thru me. I would hear his voice an instant before I would hear mine as I spoke to her. I told her "The child is very very sick. You must get help. He has a fever." Then we repeated "He has a fever" over and over until she got on her bike and rode off. She was very upset. We travelled slowly after her in the same direction and eventually caught up with her.

She was sitting on the ground under a big tree, crying. She said she was too late, he was gone, she wasn't in time. I could feel Chuck was very sad. We tried to comfort her. Some other people arrived to console her and I woke up.

Was Chuck using my help to try to warn someone? He obviously knew something was wrong. Maybe only someone who was living could get thru to this person and because we have such a strong connection, I could pass along his warning?

Then when the radio went off I heard over and over "Gotta keep my love alive." Think that's the very end of a Heart song.

Mon Jul 21 2003 Imagine I had a lyric fragment pop into my mind when I first woke - "And I'm never never coming back". That's from the song Down in the Boondocks. Don't know who sings it. Not sure why Chuck felt he had to tell me that. Believe me, I know.

Radio went off and one of my favorite John Lennon songs was on, Imagine. "You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one. Some day you'll join us, and the world will be as one." Yes, Chuck, some day I will join you.

Sun Jul 20 2003 From the Beginning This morning I was treated to a Stones song from the radio first thing. Jumping Jack Flash. When I hear a Stones song either first thing or as the last song before break, I know Chuck is playing DJ. It always makes me smile. :-) Then he played Green-Eyed Lady again. I heard that one before on 6-23.

I zoned out just thinking about stuff, and when I focused my attention back to the radio I heard "It's all clear, you were meant to be here, from the beginning." It was the very end of From the Beginning by Emerson Lake and Palmer. Again, Chuck is telling me that he thinks I'm supposed to be with him. I've told him that I would like him to wait for me. I think he is going to.

Thu Jul 17 2003 With a Little Help The end of the Joe Cocker version of With A Little Help From My Friends was on when the radio went off. "Gonna get by with a little help from my friends." I'm sure Chuck was telling me to reach out to my friends to help me get thru. :-)
Wed Jul 16 2003 Tickets to Paradise This morning the radio told me that Chuck had "2 tickets to paradise" over and over. Right at the end of the Eddie Money song. Then I heard the Who, Magic Bus - "Every day I get in the queue, get on the bus that takes me to you". This made me wonder how Chuck travels. Does he have to ask if he can visit? Does he have to wait in line to leave heaven? Funny to think about.

Then my monitor started creaking again like crazy! I asked Chuck if that meant he was right by the monitor right then. The radio was on it's news break, and I talked to Chuck the whole time, tried to relax to see if I could see him by the monitor or feel his presence.

Next song was the Guess Who, These Eyes. Made me cry. "These eyes cry every night over you...these eyes have seen a lot of love, but they're never gonna see another one like I had with you." More and more I believe that Chuck sees me staying behind as leaving him. It's all in the perspective. Altho I really don't think that he left me. It was time for him to go. He didn't have a choice.

As the song ended, something in the bathroom started creaking like crazy. I asked Chuck if he was in the bathroom now. I was trying to decide if I wanted to investigate what was creaking, and the next song was Do Ya, by ELO - "Do ya do ya want my love?" I told Chuck of course I want your love.

Tue Jul 15 2003 Miss You First thing I heard from my radio this morning was "Oh very young you'll only be here for a while. We're only on this Earth a short time", a Cat Stevens song. Then was the Doors song Touch Me. Chuck Played that for me before on 6-12. "I'm gonna love you till the heavens start to rain."

I hit the snooze. Next song on was the Stones Miss You. Right back at you pookie - I miss you too.

Mon Jul 14 2003 Triangle Woke at 5am before the alarm and prayed to God. Said "I am your humble servant." Then I smiled and told Chuck "I am your humble servant - well maybe not humble, and maybe not your servant!" Then I laughed.

Next thing I realized I was having a waking kind of dream. I was in the half-awake-half-asleep mode and saw a vision of sorts. A curved triangle was slowly spinning. It had a thin border of intricately carved metal. One point was straight up, and I guess it was an isosceles - all sides the same size. The middle was dark, but it looked like some light was reflecting off of the metal, it was shiny as it spun.

It stopped spinning and faced me and a brilliant white light came blasting out of it. I was scared. I had read in the Echoes of the Soul book about how the author was given a gift of visiting heaven, and I thought this might be like that. Maybe Chuck wanted to show me around. I knew it wasn't my time, but maybe he was allowed to give me a peek. I felt my soul grin and give my silver cord a twang, like I was testing it's strength before going into the light. (according to the Echoes book, your soul is connected to your body with a silver cord) But my waking self was too nervous and I woke myself up all the way before I could go into the light. Of course now I wish I wasn't such a chicken. I may have seen some amazing things, and at the least would have had a nice visit with Chuck. :-(

When the radio went off I hit the snooze and just lay there thinking. I have a computer (Zlurp dev box!) in the corner of the bedroom. The monitor started giving these very loud creaks. I have heard it do it every once in a great while, but not like this. It creaked 3 or 4 times in a row, a short pause, then 1 more creak, a longer pause, and 2 more creaks. I immediately thought that was Chuck. I said hi, and sent him warm, smiling thoughts. At work I tried to figure out if he was sending me a coded message of some sort. Tried to look up 4-1-2 and 3-1-2 various ways. Was it morse code or a bible passage? I couldn't find anything that made any sense.

Sun Jul 13 2003 Life Again I had a strong thought in my mind when I woke up. It was a phrase from a Stevie Wonder song - "If you really love me won't you tell me. Then I won't have to be hanging around." Well, I tell Chuck I love him all the time. I guess he never gets tired of hearing it. ;-)

When the radio went off the song Ventura Highway was on - "How long you gonna stay here Joe?"

Then was that wonderful George song What is Life.
"Tell me, what is my life without your love
Tell me, who am I without you, by my side."
Chuck sent that one to me before on 5/2. It always makes me cry and miss him very much.

Sat Jul 12 2003 Coming Home Heard a song this morning that I never heard before. It was the end, and it kept saying over and over "When this foghorn blows I'll be coming home".

I had to search to see what song this was and I think it was Into the Mystic by Van Morrison. It talks about going off into the mystic together.

Fri Jul 11 2003 She Said First song I heard this morning was a Beatles song She Said.
"She said I know what it's like to be dead.
I know what it is to be sad."
Very powerful.

Then was Jackson Browne - She's Got To Be Somebody's Baby. That felt like Chuck was giving me a compliment. :-)

Last song this morning was Somebody to Love by Jefferson Airplane. Chuck played this for me before on 6/11 exactly a month ago! I'm still not sure if he's giving me a push to move on? I'm not ready for that...

Wed Jul 9 2003 Bathroom Surprise I was getting ready for work and a lyric popped into my mind - "Some day we'll be together". I think Chuck is getting better at suggesting things to me this way. He used to only be able to do it when I was sleepy right when I woke up or was drifting to sleep. I do think this came from Chuck because almost all of the lyrics that pop into my mind from me are Beatles songs! When I think, ok I want to sing a song, it's a Beatles song that comes out 9 out of 10 times. So for me to come up with these phrases from songs I never listen to in the first place, I believe I'm getting a little help. :-)
Tue Jul 8 2003 Smile for the camera The first song I heard this morning was a Stones song - Sympathy for the Devil. Definitely let me know that Chuck was visiting. :-)

Next was a Steely Dan song, Peg. The line that made an impression was "When you smile for the camera, you know I love you better". To me, this felt like it tied in with yesterday when Chuck sent me the beautiful Ringo song, Photograph. Today, Chuck is telling me to smile.

Last was a song I never heard before. It kept saying "I ain't got nobody that I can depend on". That was a bit depressing, but maybe Chuck meant that's how he feels about up in heaven. I hope that doesn't include me!

A little later I was in the shower and I had a song lyric come in loud and clear - "Heaven must be missing an angel". That was very sweet. Things like this show me that Chuck misses me and wants me to be with him.

Mon Jul 7 2003 Photograph I am absolutely sure that Chuck was with me this morning. Today's radio songs were totally Chuck and me. The first song was the Rolling Stones, Paint It Black. That one could be Chuck saying that he's depressed. It's very sad. Then there was Photograph by Ringo. I got pretty upset when this one was on. "All I've got is a photograph, and I realize you're not coming back any more." This is EXACTLY how I feel. I often think as I work on my Chuck web site that these pictures are all I have left.
Sun Jul 6 2003 Good Thoughts I didn't use the alarm this morning, but I did wake up with several song phrases coming to me one right after the other. The first was "I need you by me beside me to guide me" from Last Dance by Donna Summer. Then I immediately thought "Don't hurt me now cause her love belongs to me" from a Zombies song.
Sat Jul 5 2003 Beginning Today it seemed that Chuck was giving me encouragement. When the radio came on I heard "It's only the beginning" over and over and over. That's the very end of that song. I hit the snooze.

Next there was a Neil Young song that told me "It's better to burn out than it is to rust" and "There's more to the picture than meets the eye". If anyone would have rather burned out than rusted, that would have been Chuck. He definitely lived life to the fullest.

Last was I'm No Angel again. I heard this one before on 6-23. I heard "I'll never leave you cold" when the radio clicked on.

Fri Jul 4 2003 Tired of Being Lonely The radio went off at 7 this morning - got to sleep in a little for the 4th. ;-)
I hear George singing a Travelling Wilburys song Handle With Care. I cried a little hearing it. Chuck wants me to show him I still care. I was still tired, so I reset the alarm for 9 and went back to sleep.

At 9, when the radio came on I heard "I Came For You" again! Chuck sent that to me on the radio on 6-22. Then was a Yes song that told me "I still remember the time you said goodbye". I actually did say goodbye to Chuck once. I'm sure he has relived that whole episode and now clearly sees what it did to me.

Thu Jul 3 2003 Jumping Phrases Today was a day when certain phrases from songs jumped out at me. The first thing I heard this morning was "what you doin, doin me with your love, feels so good whatever it is". Then was a Steve Miller song that told me "you know that it's true that all the things that I do will come back to me in my sweet time". That sounds like Chuck is seeing the effects of his lifetime's actions. I know I've mentioned this before, but as I understand it, Chuck is going thru a very long process of figuring out the meaning of what he's experienced in his life.

I hit the snooze and sang him some phrases from that Tommy song I sang the other day. I wanted to see if I could do anything to cheer him up. When the radio came on after the snooze I heard "I am the eye in the sky, looking at you, I can read your mind". So I think Chuck was definitely visiting me this morning and could listen to what I sent him.

I have felt lately that it has been harder for me to establish contact with Chuck as easily as I used to. I feel my mind racing all the time now. It's harder to keep it clear and focused to get that tingly line of communication back. But I haven't stopped trying!

Wed Jul 2 2003 I Want My Baby Back Woke up around 5am as usual. Sang to Chuck that sappy "I Need You" song. I think he likes it. ;-)

When the radio came on, it was playing Black Is Black by Los Bravos. Chuck played me this song before on 4-30. When I hear it, I know he's thinking of me and misses me.

Tue Jul 1 2003 Demand? I was in my office at work just moving from one computer to the other, and a very strong thought popped into my mind. It was the lyric "Don't you forget about me". A Tears For Fears song. But it was just that line, and almost yelling it in my mind. I don't know why Chuck thinks I am going to forget him or "leave" him. I don't see how I could think about him any MORE than I already do! He is still very much a constant presence in my life. I don't understand his feelings I guess.
Tue Jul 1 2003 Stone Carpet The ELO song Turn To Stone was on the radio first thing. "I turn to stone, when you are gone, I turn to stone Turn to stone, when you coming home, I can't go on."

Then was Steppenwolf Magic Carpet Ride. "Well, you don't know what We can see, Why don't you tell your dreams to me, Fantasy will set you free".

Mon Jun 30 2003 Chuckie Can You Hear Me? I woke up early and tried to sing to Chuck. I did a take off of Tommy and sang "Chuckie can you hear me? Can you feel me near you? Chuckie can you see me? Can I help to cheer you?" I sang it over and over until I fell asleep again. I want to make him happier if I can. I just don't think he's that happy in heaven right now.

A Fleetwood Mac song, Sara, played on the radio when I woke up. "Sara, you're the poet in my heart". I believe he heard me. I believe he wants me to be with him.

Sun Jun 29 2003 We Aint Had No Time I had a song lyric in my head as I woke - "I came for you". Had heard that on the radio 6/22. Still not sure what it means. Unless Chuck's saying he visited me?

The radio came on with "Funny, IÕve been there, And youÕve been here, And we ainÕt had no time to drink that beer". From Sandman by America. I believe Chuck feels our separation still as sharply as I do.

Sat Jun 28 2003 Chuck Sign Darin, Tommy and I were driving to a BBQ this afternoon. We drove by a dinky real estate office. My eyes were drawn to their sign. It said:
CHUCK (messed up last name)

I hope Chuck is smiling when he points out Chuck signs to me. They always makes me smile. :-)

Sat Jun 28 2003 Ticket To Ride This morning's song was the Beatles Ticket To Ride. I hope Chuck just meant me to hear a Beatles song, cause if he intended this literally it's kind of sad. I definitely react to the song's content whether he expects me to or not. So this one got me cause it seems that Chuck thinks I'm going away. I'm not going anywhere!
Fri Jun 27 2003 Got My Answer I've been less than confident sometimes that Chuck has been sending me messages thru music in the mornings. So this morning when I woke up early I asked him over and over if the music was from him.

When the radio went off, the first thing on was from American Pie: "Did you write the book of love, And do you have faith in God above, If the Bible tells you so?" Then there was a short break.

The next song was a Beatles song (Nowhere Man), and following that was Rolling Stones song (She's So Cold). I don't think the songs themselves had meaning, but to have a Beatles then a Stones song, to me, was an answer to my question. Yes, the music is for me from Chuck.

Thu Jun 26 2003 Down Time Well this is the first time Chuck has played this trick on me! The satellite box in the bedroom decided to stop working for no reason. Tivo was ok, and I could get a signal from the antenna, but no sat! I tried every single thing I could think of, and hit every button on the remote, but it was totally dead! Checked all the cables, they were fine. Rebooted the box. Nothing. Just when I was giving up and switching over to the antenna for the night, it started working. Again for no apparent reason! It was out for a good 10 minutes. If that same thing had happened to Chuck, he wouldn't have thought it was funny! ;-)
Thu Jun 26 2003 Chills I was extra sleepy and kept hitting the snooze. I finally stopped, and I heard Suite Judy Blue Eyes by Crosby Stills and Nash. I was getting chills listening to it. I think Chuck wanted me to pay close attention.

When I look back at the lyrics, this is another "straight from Chuck's heart" song. I miss him so much. And he misses me. Heh, and what did I say just yesterday about wanting a blue-eyes song?

"Fear is the lock, and laughter the key to your heart"
Words to live by.

Mon Jun 23 2003 A line here and a line there This morning was another one where certain lines from songs jumped out at me. I'm still not overly confident that everything I think that is relevant is really from Chuck. But all I can do is follow my instincts.

The first thing that caught my attention was "And I know baby, So I've got scars upon my cheek, And I'm half crazy, Come on and love me baby" from I'm No Angel, by Gregg Allman. People used to call Chuck Gregg Allman. I'm going to add him to my Look Alikes category. :-)

Next was another repeat song (heard it before on 6/18) - No One Told Me About Her by the Zombies. "Her voice is soft and cool, Her eyes are clear and bright, But she's not there"

I hit the snooze and woke up again to Green-Eyed Lady by Sugarloaf. This song is beautiful. Too bad it wasn't about blue eyes! ;-)

Fleetwood Mac was next, which I always pay attention to in particular. It was Monday Morning. If I take the whole song literally, Chuck still seems unsure about the depth of our feelings for eachother. But it also says that he would be there if I want him.

Last song before I finally got outta bed was Good Lovin' by the Young Rascals. "Gimme that good, good lovin...All I need is lovin..."

Sun Jun 22 2003 Another heads up? Had a couple of thoughts put in my mind to start my day. First I had the line "You better find somebody to love." Chuck played me Somebody To Love on the radio on June 11. Then in flashed "I'm losing you." By Rod Stewart. Chuck may be torn between wanting me to be with someone and be happy and feeling like that would make him lose me.

I sang him a bunch of love songs to tell him he'd never lose me.

On the radio, the first thing was "I came for you". Not sure of the artist. Then was Pinball Wizard by the Who. I felt like this was referring to Mark Ritchie. Is Chuck is giving me a hint about something to do with Mark? We shall see. If something happens tomorrow I'll add it to this entry!

Sat Jun 21 2003 Ground Chuck Tommy was giving me a ride on his bike. We were coming up 176 I think. (not so good at keeping track of streets! ;-) But we passed Capt'n Curts where we would always go for Sunday Bloody Marys. I really felt that Chuck was with us at that point. There's a little grocery store not too far after that. My eyes were drawn to their advertising sign. It said "Ground Chuck" was on sale. I had to smile at that one. Definitely felt like Chuck nudged me to see it.

We had a joke that Chuck was going to get USDA Prime tattooed on his butt cause he was Grade A Prime Chuck. :-)

Sat Jun 21 2003 Extremes! Woke up with the line of a Billy Joel song in my mind - "Darling I don't know why I go to extremes." This is just what I was talking about! Chuck has these wild swings, almost mood swings. He must be painfully sorting thru things and having to make some major mental adjustments in heaven.
Fri Jun 20 2003 Unsure Today Chuck seems unsure of me again. I tell him I love him, and he lets me know he's heard me, but the next day he asks again. Well, I'll tell him every single day if it will make him feel better!

This morning was the last 2 songs from a Crosby Stills Nash album side, Long Time Gone, and 49 Bye Byes which asks "Who do you love?"

Thu Jun 19 2003 Banana Shake I don't think Chuck caused this to happen, but he may have nudged me into noticing this commercial. I saw a commercial for Steak and Shake. They have 3 new milkshakes, and one of them is banana. I smiled and also cried cause Chuck would have enjoyed that SO much.

We have a Steak and Shake in McHenry. One of the first times we went there Chuck asked if he could have a banana shake. They said they didn't make them. Chuck asked if he brought in a banana, would they make him a banana shake? The waitress said sure! So we walked out and walked over to the Dominick's next door. Bought 2 bananas, and came back. Chuck got his banana shake and was extremely pleased with himself! ;-)

After that, almost every time we went to that Steak and Shake, first Chuck would pull up to Dominick's, I would run in and buy 2 bananas, and Chuck would happily present them to the waitress as we ordered banana shakes.

Thu Jun 19 2003 Over Analyzing? Today's songs just had a few phrases that jumped out at me as I listened to them. So I'm not entirely sure if I'm reaching on these today, but I'll include it. You can judge for yourself! :-)

From Simon and Garfunkel, Mrs. Robinson, I caught "Heaven holds a place for those who pray." And "Jesus loves you more than you will know."

Then from the Moody Blues, Nights In White Satin, I got "Just what you want to be, you can be in the end, And I love you, how I love you." Then I hit the snooze.

Last was a Fleetwood Mac song, Landslide. From that I got "I've been afraid of changes cause I've built my life around you." Boy, that one could go for BOTH of us. We may have been almost too close, too dependent/reliant on eachother.

Wed Jun 18 2003 Right Down the Line At my 5am wake up I had a lyric pop into my mind - "That's the same way she loves me." I had no idea who this was by or what song it was. I had to look it up later. Turns out it was Just The Same Way by Journey. I'm not a big Journey fan, so this had to come from Chuck! I think Chuck was thinking about me and wants me to be with him. This is of course a recurring topic!

When I went back to sleep I sang Chuck Wait by the Beatles. Basically asking him to wait for me in heaven. From what I've read, Chuck has free choice about how long to stay in heaven. He may want to come back to earth again, reincarnate. Souls come back because they want to learn things, or they want to right past wrongs they have done. Anyway, I sang that song to him a few times, cause I really do want him to wait for me. I'd like to see him again.

Radio came on as it's supposed to. ;-) First lyrics this morning were "Her voice is soft and cool, her eyes are clear and bright, but she's not there." A Zombies song, No One Told Me About Her. Right at the end. Then was George Rafferty's Right Down The Line. I really lost it when this one was on. This was another song that felt like he was telling me his heart word for word. This song haunted me for 2 days. I kept hearing it over and over in my mind. I think Chuck will wait for me. :-)

Last song before a break was a Stones song, Sympathy For The Devil. When I hear a Stones song, I look at it as the period to a sentence. It tells me that this was from Chuck. The song itself didn't feel like it was meant to tell me something. Just the fact that it was the Rolling Stones.

Mon Jun 16 2003 Just A Little Lost When the radio went off this morning, it wasn't on a station. It had drifted off the Drive. I tuned in to the first thing that came in and hit the snooze. ;-)

When the snooze was over, the first thing I heard was "I'm not crazy, I'm just a little lost now." Was Unwell by Matchbox 20. The actual lyrics are different from what I thought I heard. Weird. It feels to me that Chuck has good days and bad. Today he seems sad. I wish I could talk to him better!

Oh, I had tuned the radio to WZOK instead of the Drive, but it's right by that frequency. In fact after I found out it wasn't the Drive I tried to tune it back and I couldn't find it. I gave up!

Sat Jun 14 2003 I Will Get By First lyrics I heard this morning was "I will get by. I will survive." Then "We will get by. We will survive." From the Grateful Dead, very end of Touch of Grey. That was comforting to hear that Chuck thinks we will be ok. Altho I certainly hope things will be better than just getting by and surviving! I hit the snooze.

The station was slightly off when the radio came back on. It snapped back in tune and I heard "I do appreciate you being round. Help me get my feet back on the ground. Won't you please, please help me, help me, help me?" The very end of Help by the Beatles. Chuck seems to be going back and forth. Maybe not able to make a decision of some sort. Of course I'd help him out if I knew what I could do for him!

Fri Jun 13 2003 Hugs and Heaven and Silence Before going to bed I was thinking the song Sounds of Silence because it was so quiet. I had been reading a book that my long-time friend Erika recommended, Echoes of the Soul. I HIGHLY recommend it. It answered a lot of my questions and taught me a LOT. As I was falling asleep I was asking Chuck a lot of questions about heaven, since I had just read about it. I wanted to see if he would confirm anything.

I woke up and started drifting back off to sleep. I felt like someone folded the blanket over me, gave me a nice warm hug, and murmured reassuringly into my ear. I thought it was Chuck. I relaxed and felt the tingle I get when I am communicating. Suddenly I felt my body jerk sharply. I had just read about this in the Echoes book. It was a physical sign that my soul was leaving my body to communicate with another soul. I was scared, but I knew what was going on. I still had the line of communication, so I asked "Is that you Chuck?"

Then I had a dream...Someone made me look into a mirror. I asked again "Is that you Chuck?" A figure kind of wobbled into focus in the mirror, but it was a cartoon like Sealab 2001. It was a red-haired guy with a beard. He was in bed. I was disappointed cause it wasn't Chuck. The guy patted the empty space beside him and a blonde lady slid into bed next to the guy. I was confused. I asked "Is that supposed to be me?" Then I got angry cause I thought Chuck or someone was telling me to go to bed with someone and I sent a strong flash of anger. After I did that I was sorry cause I just didn't understand what they were trying to tell me. Then the blonde turned into an older, tired looking woman who was crying, and the red-haired guy turned into the blonde lady. I've been confused about this. I got the strong feeling that Chuck was trying to tell me something. Something I learned from the Echoes book is that at this point, Chuck is reviewing his life. He's looking at what went right, what went wrong, who did he hurt. He's doing an intense analysis. After thinking about it, I think the red-haired guy was Chuck. I think Chuck was telling me that he really understands the impact of some of his actions towards me.

When I finally was woken by the radio, the song Sounds of Silence was on! Chuck had been listening to me for sure. Next was a Fleetwood Mac song, Go Your Own Way. Fleetwood Mac is significant cause Chuck liked them a lot. This is kind of a sad song. I got a little upset. It seemed like Chuck was telling me to give up on him. The last song in this set was amazing. It was Todd Rundgren's I Saw The Light. I've always loved this song. It felt like Chuck was telling me his feelings word for word. One of the questions I had asked him was if he really loved me. I have my answer.

Thu Jun 12 2003 Super Doors This morning Chuck sent me a couple of nice loving songs via radio. The first one was Give A Little Bit by Supertramp. About sharing your love. Then Touch Me by the Doors was on.
I'm gonna love you
Till the heavens stop the rain
I'm gonna love you
Till the stars fall from the sky for you and I
Chuck knows I like the Doors. He couldn't stand them!
Wed Jun 11 2003 Barney ;-) During my drifting time this morning I tried to ask Chuck a lot of questions. Maybe he could answer me with a song. Then I felt in a silly mood, so I sang him the Barney song, "I love you, you love me, we're a happy family", over and over. I try a lot to tell him how I feel. He seems to be unsure of my feelings.

First lyrics I heard today were "I never loved no one the way that I loved you" by Paul Simon from the end of Late in the Evening. Then there was the Bee Gees song Lonely Days, Lonely Nights, Where Would I Be Without My Woman. Last song before a break was Somebody to Love by Jefferson Airplane. That one confused me. Does Chuck think I should move on? I would say most of his other messages are about him loving me, wanting to be with me, wanting me to love him, so this doesn't make sense to me.

Fri Jun 6 2003 Plate 2! Tommy and I were driving in to work and I was just spacing out, looking out the window. A truck pulling a trailer was in the lane to the right of us, and Tommy was passing it up. My eyes were drawn to try to look at the truck's license plate. This wasn't so easy to do. The trailer was close to the back of the truck, and the plate was on the far right side. I only had a brief instant that I could see it. It was a CZ plate. Chuck really wanted me to see it. I bet he gets a kick out of showing me those CZ plates. :-)
Fri Jun 6 2003 John Lennon morning I had woke up at my 5 am-ish time, and turned the tv on to fall back to sleep by. I woke up again (still before the radio went off), John Lennon and Yoko were on - it was a David Frost interview. I smiled to myself and tried to go back to sleep. I sent Chuck an image of a white feather floating. If you were at his funeral you heard Ross read my John/feather story. At some point I'll put it up somewhere.

When the radio went off it was playing a John Beatles song, Norwegian Wood. I think Chuck was answering my feather image with a John song. :-)

Then next song was Eric Clapton, Tears In Heaven. This song made me think. I believe Chuck is questioning a lot of things. Maybe he doesn't think I would want to be with him if I was in heaven.

Thu Jun 5 2003 Snooze! My radio went off. I heard the song "My Love Is Alive" by Gary Wright. That put a smile on my face - Chuck still loves me. I was tired, so I decided to hit the snooze. As I lay in bed I sang the song Happy Together by the Turtles to Chuck.

Radio went off again and it was I'm a Believer by the Monkees. That one got me. I hit the snooze again...

This time I heard You are so beautiful to me... by Joe Cocker. Which also made me feel good - another love song. And then there was a satellite service commercial. ;-)

Chuck seemed happier this morning.

Wed Jun 4 2003 Book Of Love Chuck sent me a song phrase in my thoughts when I woke at my 5am drift time. It was "Did you write the book of love, and do you have faith in God above, if the Bible tells you so?" from American Pie by Don McLean.

As I drifted back to sleep I sent him thoughts of love and that I wanted to find a better way for us to have 2 way communication if we could.

When my radio went off, it had drifted off of "Chuck's" station, the Drive. I tuned it back and I immediately heard "My baby wrote me a letter." the same Joe Cocker song Chuck played me on May 3. When I hear that song I know Chuck heard me. :-)

After that was a Rolling Stones song, Gimme Shelter. I think this one was just an acknowledgement that this was Chuck communicating. The lyrics didn't seem applicable to anything!

Tue Jun 3 2003 Feel Like A Number "Feel like a number. I'm not a number. I'm a man." was the first song phrase I heard this morning. It's a Bob Segar song. I bet there's some kind of bureaucracy in heaven, and we all know how much Chuck likes rules and authority. He's sent other songs that hint that he's chafing against something up there! ;-)

Next was a Beatles song, Look What You're Doing. I get worried when he sends me sad songs. I always hope he hasn't misinterpreted something I've tried to send him. I would never do anything to hurt him. I never did.

Last I heard Heart Full Of Soul by the Yardbirds. The funny thing about this is that yesterday evening Tommy and I were talking about this album. I even pulled out my vinyl and we looked at it. I bet Chuck was there to see us do that. But it's another sad song. Chuck must be unhappy today. And it tears me up cause I don't know what to do about it. :-(

Mon Jun 2 2003 Spirit In The Sky Repeat I had another "repeat" morning. The radio came on playing Spirit In The Sky at the EXACT same place that it did on May 1! The next song was Ready for Love by Bad Company. The lyrics to this one are so something that Chuck would be saying. Hearing it felt like he was speaking right to me.

Chuck seems to be telling me that heaven is a good place. But he wants to be with me. Maybe he wishes I was there with him?

Sat May 31 2003 Cardinal I was over at my Mom's helping out with our garage sale. My sis was there too. I was sitting just inside the garage opening, and a male cardinal landed on the closest vegitation to me that it possibly could. It kept looking at me straight in the eye, cocking it's head back and forth, but maintaining eye contact. It stayed there long enough for both my sis and Mom to sit down and join me. I pointed the bird out to them and they saw how it stayed there so long, so still, looking at us. Finally it hopped to another branch and then flew off. I told them that was Chuck visiting us. And I told them about the cardinal visiting Tommy on April 12. We all cried a little, but it was nice that we could all share his visit.
Sat May 31 2003 Free Ride First thing I heard on the radio this morning was "C'mon and take a free ride. Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah!" The last time I encountered this song, Chuck had put it in my thoughts on May 19. What I heard on the radio was at EXACTLY the spot I heard in my thoughts before. Chuck must be trying to tell me something, but I can't figure this one out.

Next song on the radio was the Stones, You Can't Always Get What You Want. I'm not sure if he was just telling me it was him by playing a Stones song, or if he was telling me I should accept that I can't always get what I want. (Chuck was the Stones man, and I was the Beatles girl - we had lots of discussions about their relative merits!)

Fri May 30 2003 Hey...Hey... The radio went off and I heard the Eagles, "Best of My Love":
But every mornin' I wake up and worry
what's gonna happen today.
You see it your way and I see it mine
but we both see it slippin' away.
You know we always had each other, baby, I guess that wasn't enough.
Oh, but here in my heart I give you the best of my love.
This made me a little sad cause it seemed like Chuck felt we were drifting apart or something. It was too early for me to get up, so I reset my alarm for a bit later, turned on the tv and tried to go back to sleep.

I had a crazy dream that unfortunately I couldn't remember. :-(

Then I heard someone talk into my right ear, a bit louder than a whisper, but sort of a hoarse voice. He said "hey...hey" Definitely wanted my attention. I knew it was Chuck even tho it didn't sound like his voice. I felt like I had a good "connection", the relaxed, tingly feeling. So I asked Chuck some questions, but I didn't get any immediate answers.

I woke up fully to see a cartoon on the tv. It was "Rainbow Fish" - definitely a brightly colored fish! I think Chuck woke me up so I could see it and know he was thinking of me.

The radio went off again and I heard "Stay just a little bit longer" by Jackson Browne. I'm sure Chuck wants to keep contact longer with me as much as I want to keep talking with him.

Thu May 29 2003 LNX GURU Tommy and I were driving in to work. We were almost at work, had just turned down Kennicott. The car 2 cars ahead of us started swerving back and forth, jumping around from side to side. It was a dark green SUV. I said to Tommy "Look, that's like Chuck used to drive!" (Chuck would whip the steering wheel back and forth in time to the music some times!) Tommy saw it and agreed. I was smiling to myself about it, and the car turned onto the bowling alley. I caught the license plate and it was LNX GURU - linux guru. So I felt Chuck wanted to get our attention and show us the plate.

Half an hour later at work, Jack called to talk. Jack is our "man in London" and is our Touch-IT linux guru! I didn't make this connection until the next morning, but Chuck was giving me a heads up that Jack was going to call!

Thu May 29 2003 Dream About You Tried again to tell Chuck how I feel. I "sang" a song phrase to him early this morning - "I can dream about you, if I can't hold you tonight." I was hoping to tell him that I would love to see him in a dream. That way I can interact with him much better than simply trading songs. I probably wasn't relaxed enough to send this message properly. When I'm just on the verge of sleeping, and I "sing" to Chuck, I can feel a line of communication. It's a faint tingling sensation. I was too awake. I'll keep trying of course!

Chuck sent me another love song this morning. In Your Eyes by Peter Gabriel. "In your eyes, The light the heat, In your eyes, I am complete..." You have to read all the lyrics to appreciate it fully. I miss you so much Chuck.

Mon May 26 2003 I Need You After being upset by the other day's song, I tried very hard to get thru to Chuck this morning during my 5am drifting time. I "sang" him a sappy love song over and over and over. It was I Need You by America. I kept thinking "I need you, like the flower needs the rain, you know I need you..."

Once again I feel that he heard me. The radio had drifted off of it's station. I tuned it back, and the first thing I heard on the radio was "I love you, I love you, I love you, yes I do, but the words won't come, and I don't know what to say!" Song is (big surprise!) I Love You by People.

I was so happy that Chuck didn't really say good bye like I was afraid he did. But I think he may be getting more and more upset at not being able to communicate the way he wants to. "Something holds me back when I try to tell you." Straight from the song. I will say that he has been extremely creative in telling me things thru songs.

Sat May 24 2003 Goodbye? I think Chuck gets sad and frustrated at not being able to talk to us. I hope he misses us, and we still mean a lot to him. The song this morning on the radio alarmed me. The first thing I heard was the chorus from Goodbye Stranger by Supertramp...
Goodbye stranger it's been nice
Hope you find your paradise
Tried to see your point of view
Hope your dreams will all come true
Goodbye Mary, Goodbye Jane
Will we ever meet again
Feel no sorrow, feel no shame
Come tomorrow, feel no pain

This sounded like a good bye. I tried to talk to him for a while after that.

Wed May 21 2003 Relax Had a Chuck dream last night but it wasn't as distinct and clear as usual. I don't remember it well. We were just hanging out and talking a little. I don't remember where. I think he was teasing me about something or pointing out something to me.

I woke up with a line from a Beatles song in my thoughts - "Turn off your mind, relax and float downstream." I bet I need to relax more to let Chuck get thru to me. I tend to THINK too much!

Tue May 20 2003 My Name At about 5am (as usual!) someone spoke my name loudly, clearly and firmly. It seemed like someone was standing very close to the bed, bent over so his head was by mine, talking on a cell phone to me. It was a dark figure, like a dark shadow. He said it directly into my left ear. It woke me up. I closed my eyes again and relaxed. It felt like someone was trying hard to communicate with me. I assumed it was Chuck, but the voice didn't sound like his.

I fell back to sleep. When the radio woke me I heard "Call my name and I'll be gone. You'll reach out and I won't be there..." Song is Minute By Minute by the Doobie Brothers. This one made me cry. I wish so much I could just straight out talk to him. I believe he really wants to talk to us very badly.

Mon May 19 2003 Rides This morning Chuck put the song lyrics "Come on and take a free ride. Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah!" into my thoughts when I was in my 5am drifting time.

When I woke to the radio I heard "Take a ride to the land inside of your mind." This is Journey to the Center of The Mind by Amboy Dukes.

The 2 "ride" songs definitely left me feeling Chuck wanted to tell me something. Both songs talk about looking inward. Of course the Amboy Dukes were rather drug influenced, but I don't think Chuck was telling me to do drugs! ;-) Maybe he wants me to do some needed soul searching.

Fri May 9 2003 Poser ;-) Had a Chuck dream last night. We were sitting in our bedroom, but it wasn't the bedroom at Willow. Chuck was clowning around. He pulled on this funny blue coat with a faux fur black and white spotted collar. I laughed and said that I didn't think my coat would fit him. He was posing and making faces like he was a glam rocker. I got out my CoolPix 880 and started trying to take pictures.

Then Chuck put on these broken sunglasses - the left lens was popped out. He kept posing and making funny faces, kissy faces and such. I thought the glasses looked like John Lennon's sunglasses. I kept trying to take pictures, but the camera wasn't cooperating. It wouldn't flash so I didn't think it was taking the pic.

Chuck plopped down in this big stuffed chair in the corner and kept making faces. I came over and said "What did you do to the camera? You were the last one to use it!" He didn't stop making faces. Then I thought maybe there were too many pictures on it and it was full. So I sat down on the chair by him and looked at the pics that were on the camera.

There was a bunch. They were pics of Chuck and I going on a tour of some house and seeing a tv show being shot. I guess vacation pics?

While I was looking at the pics and showing them to Chuck he asked me "How did you get the house to stay so warm? You always wanted a warm house and we could never get it warm enough."

Then I woke up and had some song lyrics in my head - "I was looking for love in all the wrong places...God bless the day I met you..."

Seems like Chuck was trying to cheer me up. I have been very sad lately.

Thu May 8 2003 Date with destiny? I was talking with my sister on my cell phone and it dropped the call. I called her back and we chatted for a while. When I got off I looked at the time and it was really late. I got a little disoriented, cause I would have had to talk for 3 hours for the time to be right. Then I saw the date was off too.

My phone said it was 12:15am September 23, 2003.

I dont know what this date will mean, but I'm sure Chuck is giving me a heads up!

I had another date encounter with Chuck a while back. I woke up at my Mom's with a date very strongly in my mind. It was October 7, 1972.
Chuck would have only been 2! If this date rings any bells with anyone, I'd love to hear from you!

Sat May 3 2003 Breakthru I woke up with these lyrics in my head - "I'm gonna leave it all up, up to you. You decide what'cha gonna do. Now do you want my love, or are we through?" This is a goofy Donny and Marie Osmond song.

I decided I was going to try very hard to send a message to Chuck. Mostly it's been him sending to me. So I tried to drift back to sleep and repeat some lyrics over and over to him. I sang in my head the Cheap Trick song "If you want my love you got it. When you need my love you got it. I won't hide it. I won't throw your love away, oo." Over and over. And then I thought about the Grease song that we enjoyed together when the movie was on - "You're the one that I want..." And I fell back to sleep.

When the radio woke me, the first thing I heard was Joe Cocker singing "My baby wrote me a letter, said she couldn't live without me no more..."

So I believe he heard me. I felt so much better after I heard that. I've been a bit upset worrying about him. He's seemed so unhappy.

Fri May 2 2003 Medley This morning I had the same combo as yesterday of waking up with a song lyric in my head, and then the first thing I heard on the radio when it went off.

The song lyrics in my head was a medley of Elvis. (Chuck loved Elvis!) First I heard "Oh let me be your loving teddy bear". This has significance to me in 2 ways...right now I have 3 teddy bears that people gave me in the hospital next to me in bed. And we always called eachother "pookie", which to us were these 2 polar bears on a card I gave him a long time ago. Then I heard "C'mon and be my little good luck charm", and finally "I'm in love - I'm all shook up". It was just those 3 lines.

The song on the radio really made me cry to listen closely to. It was George Harrison, What is Life. And again it's Beatles related.

Chuck seems upset, and I don't know how to make him feel better. :-(

Thu May 1 2003 First Thought I've read that many times when a thought "pops" into your head that it was suggested to you by a spirit. It's one way they can help inspire you.

I woke up at 4:15am this morning with a line from a song in my thoughts. It was "Tell me baby, are you thinking of me?" from Satisfaction Guaranteed. Can't remember the artist.

This is not a song I know well or hear often. I think Chuck does miss me. He wants me to tell him that I still miss him.

I fell back asleep, and the radio woke me with more messages from Chuck. The first song I heard was the last verse of Spirit in the Sky. I can't remember it word for word, but it talks about him being a sinner, but he has a friend in Jesus, and when he dies, gonna recommend him to the spirit in the sky. He's gonna go to the place that's the best.

The next song was the Beatles, Got to Get You Into My Life. That whole song was like Chuck telling me how he felt about me. The fact it was a Beatles song made it so much more meaningful.

Then there was a very short station break that just said how important music was. Then there was a Roy Orbison song, You Got It - "anything you want, you got it".

Music was always very important to Chuck. I've never told anyone about this, but when we were first together, Chuck would e-mail me songs to tell me how he felt. He was never good at speaking his feelings, so he let the songs do it for him. I think he's still doing that now.

Wed April 30 2003 Radio Goo Goo My clock radio tends to drift from it's station a lot. When the alarm went off this morning, it was between stations and was just a bunch of noise. Suddenly a song came out perfectly clear. It was Black is Black.

I listened and heard
Black is black, I want my baby back.
Gray is gray, since you went away.
What can I do? I'm feeling blue.

This really made me think. Sometimes I feel that Chuck left me, but I really know it's not true - he certainly didn't have a choice. But what about from his point of view? Maybe he feels that I've left HIM. I went everywhere with him for years, but I didn't go with him this time.

I think Chuck may be sad. Maybe he misses the way things were.

Fri Apr 25 2003 Love Song This morning I woke up to my clock radio. The first thing I heard was a guy singing over and over "Love me when I'm gone." This was the end of a song I'd never heard before.
Thu Apr 24 2003 Mall Boy Another Chuck dream! I was walking thru a mall and there were people trying to sell me jewelry. They kept popping out at me, and wouldn't leave me alone. I started dodging them to avoid the pitch. I finally ducked into an empty store/office and closed the door on one of the sales people.

As I hid in the office, Chuck stuck his head all the way thru this large mail slot. He looked like he did when we picked up his Vette in 1998. Shorter hair, just growing it out. Scruffy beard. He was wearing his green Laborer's Union t-shirt.

He was laughing and teasing me. He kept pointing to his face cause he wanted me to kiss him. Every time I leaned in to give him a kiss he playfully dodged me and laughed. I finally planted one on him and he pulled back out of the mail slot.

I came out of the office and we started walking thru the mall. But now he was a little boy. He didn't look like he really did as a little boy, which would have been kind of skinny and with glasses. He looked like a scaled down version of himself as an adult, but with a younger face. He was a bit shorter than me.

I looked at him and laughed and said "It's hard to believe, but you're going to get so tall that I'll only come to almost your shoulder!" Chuck smiled up at me. Then I asked if he would remember me giving him his first kiss. He said he would always remember his first kiss.

Wed Apr 23 2003 Visit Chuck visited me last night. This was not a dream. It was very late. I couldn't sleep and put the tv on. I was finally getting sleepy, still watching tv and relaxing.

To the right of the tv a figure appeared. It was Chuck. He was wearing a Harley t-shirt and jeans. But he wasn't sharp - he looked like he was behind many layers of rubber. Not blurry, but how you would look if you were pressing against a balloon. And he was all in shades of blue.

I shifted my attention to look straight at him and he was gone. But then I momentarily felt that same electric tingling I felt the time I had a conversation with him. After that I was wide awake again and I knew I wouldn't see him again right then. I wasn't relaxed and open to communication.

I wish seeing him wasn't such a shock cause it broke the link of communication. That's happened several times!

Mid Apr 2003 Sporty I have a cool Palm program called Auto Slate. It keeps track of all your car's records. A little while after I bought my new Subaru I wanted to update my entry from the Honda to the Subaru. I had also entered Chuck's Sportster in the program. Thought I'd keep track of maintenance and such. Called it Sporty. When I went to look for the Sporty vehicle it was gone. Totally gone. Perhaps Chuck took it away since I don't have to keep track of it any more.
Fri Apr 18 2003 Magazine Spread I didn't catch this earlier, but I'm glad I did eventually!

I was packing things up, getting ready to move back home from my Mom's. Looked thru some old magazines one last time.

This magazine was an Entertainment Weekly from September, think it was Sept. 16. Someone brought it to me in the hospital.

I was reading the article on Steven King. He was in some kind of accident and mangled his leg pretty badly. They showed him with a nasty looking cage on his leg, and a walker sitting close by. I thought, that's like me!

Then I looked at the next page. It was an ad for one of those new camera phones. Guess what the picture was on the phone? A brightly colored fish!

It was Chuck and me on opposite pages. I ripped the pages out. Maybe I will scan them to share...

Sat Apr 12 2003 Triple Treat Firstly:
Tommy, Mark and I went to see "Anger Management". We knew Chuck would have loved this movie - it stars Adam Sandler and Jack Nicholson. As we watched, I felt like Chuck was watching with me. There were so many Chuck references, I was smiling a lot, and almost in tears because it made me miss him.

I will have to watch again and actually write down all the things I noticed. The ones I remember were at the beginning there was a Blondie song that Chuck loved. Then there was a tank of brightly colored fish. If you read below, you'll know how special that is to me. Then the last song you hear is a Rolling Stones song. I'll come back and add the other things when I see the movie again! There were 5 or 6!

I didn't mention I thought Chuck was there to anyone until the next day.

Take two:
The next morning, Tommy told me about what happened later that night. His friend Jeff gave him a birthday get-together. Everyone was sitting outside, it was late enough to be dark, and a cardinal appreared. It perched on a branch by everyone and started squawking at them non-stop. Mary Beth said that when a cardinal appears, it represents a spirit. Everyone felt that Chuck was at Tommy's party.

Third time:
I got a letter from Chuck's Mom. She told me that night she had a dream about Chuck. Something about finding an old jacket of his.

He was very busy this day! He visited 3 times. I wonder if he missed us and wanted to stop by.

Fri Mar 21 2003 Chuck the business man? I had another dream with Chuck. He was wearing his View Askew hockey shirt and I.T. jacket. He stood there with his arms wide open looking very happy to see me. I ran into his arms and he gave me a big hug and a kiss. Then he told me he wanted to show me something. We went up an escalator together and when we got to the top, he turned into a business man looking guy. Wearing a suit, shorter gray/white hair. Kept looking at his face to see if it was Chuck, but just older, but it didn't look like him. The guy was starting to tell me something, but I woke up. Rats!
Late March 2003 20 Questions I read that you can start a routine with someone who's passed. If you do the same thing at the same time they will get to know how you want to communicate. So I've been trying that with Chuck. During that early morning drifting time I try to ask Chuck questions.

Last week I had a conversation of sorts with him. I felt this faint electric tingling thru my whole body, and I saw Chuck in my mind sort of above and to the right of my head. I found I could only ask him yes or no questions. He would give me a happy big goofy smile if the answer was yes, a quiet little frown for no, and a big shrug if he didn't know.

I can't remember what I asked. I just liked that he was answering me!

Early March 2003 Physical contact? I've read that the period of time right before you fall asleep, when you're not awake, but not asleep, is the best time to make contact with someone who's passed. I seem to wake up very early, around 4:30am, and drift back to sleep again. That is when I usually have my Chuck encounters. :-)

This morning was a bit different. It wasn't the usual dream. I was laying in bed and it felt like someone lay down next to me and put their arms around me. It was an amazing, incredible feeling, and it scared me cause I wasn't expecting anything like that, so I was jolted awake.

I'm so sorry that I got scared and couldn't keep that feeling longer.

Late February 2003 Bad Dream This is the only time that I've had a bad dream with Chuck. It's bothered me a lot because I don't know what it could mean.

Chuck was working in a restaurant in the kitchen. I walked in the back to say hi. He was kind of disheveled and sweaty. He was working hard. I went to give him a kiss and saw that he didn't look too well. He whispered to me that he had cancer. When I kissed him, his lips were hot, dry and cracked. I was very upset. He kind of smiled and told me to watch for Blue (Blues Clues!) in Las Vegas. That made me smile a little, and then I had to leave.

Early February 2003 Taking notice I'm trying to pay attention more and see if Chuck is saying hi. One morning, Tommy was driving me back from therapy. I was just staring out the window. It had to be Chuck shifting my focus a little, cause I suddenly noticed I was looking at a license plate, and it started off with CZ. That made me smile.
January 2003 Typo? I continue to work on Zlurp as best as I can. Two days ago I was telling a box to come up checked and as I typed the word "check" I suddenly saw that I typed "chuck". I think Chuck gave me a little nudge to let me know he was watching me. A friend from work, Marguerite, sent me a great book, "Talking to Heaven". I read it thru in one sitting. One thing it talked about is that people who have passed try to communicate with us all the time. We just don't bother to notice.
January 2003 Kick Start I had a strange little dream. I was in bed at my Mom's, looking down at my right leg and foot. Only it wasn't my leg and foot, it was Chuck's. I turned my foot right and left looking at it thinking "this is Chuck's foot!" Maybe that was his way of giving me a kick in the butt - get moving with therapy and don't feel sorry for yourself!
December 2002 Merry Xmas 2002 I had a dream about a week before Christmas with Chuck in it. He ran up to me and gave me a hug and a kiss. He looked great. Long hair, beard wasn't so wild, and he was much thinner. I think this is the way he wants to look.

He was dressed in painter's clothes, and ran off laughing. I believe Chuck is happy. I think he's having fun doing a "home improvement" project right now.

This is the third dream I've had with him in it. He has always looked the same physically. I would really like to believe that this is how he's visiting with me, and telling me he's ok.

October 2002 Brightly Colored Fish The first project that Chuck and I worked on for ourselves was called WinTag. It was going to be a strictly mp3 tagging utility. This was in 1997. I still would like to finish it! :-)

That's when we learned about the ID3V2 tag. In their manual they describe all the frames that you can have in a tag. The obvious artist, title, year, genre. Then they got into really nit picky stuff like the engineers, recording studio, popularity. Then there was the "brightly colored fish" frame. Chuck and I kept looking at eachother laughing. It just had to be a joke! But there it is - any fully supported tag must include the brightly colored fish frame. So of course we were going to support that!

Now flash forward to the hospital. People were showing me what was in that huge basket that I.T. put together for me. There was all kinds of snacks, books, magazines. And at the bottom there was this plastic goldfish with bright orange spots. I didn't really think too much about it, just was a little puzzled about why it was there.

I was at my sister's house for a couple of days and it finally hit me - it was a brightly colored fish. I scrambled around asking everyone, who put that in the basket. No one knew. They think it may have been our spacy concierge Laura, who quit while I was in the hospital. If Chuck wanted to influence anyone to get me a particular thing, it would have been her! I really think that he put that in the basket to tell me he was ok. We were, until I wrote this of course, the only 2 people who knew about the brightly colored fish. No one else would have known what that would mean to me.

If you've seen the movie What Dreams May Come, you'll understand this next part...I also think that Chuck gave me the brightly colored fish to tell me to look for that when I go to the other side. When I see the fish, I'll have found Chuck.

October 2002 Sister's Apartment Had another dream with Chuck.
Seemed like he came to see me when I changed locations. I was happy to see him, but it also made me miss him more.
I don't remember the details of this dream either. :-(
September 2002 Hospital call I wanted to call my sister using the speed dial on my phone. I'd done this same thing the day before, so I know my speed dial numbers were there. But when I went to call this time, her number was gone. In fact everyone's numbers were gone except Tommy's. Maybe Chuck was telling me that if I needed anything I should call Tommy. Playing with my phone is definitely something I think Chuck would enjoy doing.
September 2002 Hospital visit I had a dream with Chuck in it while I was in the hospital the first time.
Unfortunately, I don't remember it, but I believe he was trying to reassure me.