Close Encounters of the Chuck Kind - Year 2

This is a record of all the ways Chuck has contacted me since I lost him
on September 4, 2002. The most recent contacts are at the top, so if you
are new to this journal, read it bottom's up!
Things to look for as a Chuck Encounter!




Year 1: 112 ways Chuck told me that he's still around and cares. (Sept 4, 2002 - Sept 3, 2003)
Year 3: Chuck continues to amaze and comfort us (Sept 4, 2004 - Sept 3, 2005)
Year 4: Chuck continues to amaze and comfort us

Fri Sep 3 2004 Truly Special Morning Chuck made me feel very special this morning. Maybe he wanted to visit today instead of tomorrow because this is the anniversary of our last day together. I'd like to celebrate that as much as I'd like to forget what happened the next morning.

I woke up way before the alarm. I relaxed and tried to send Chuck a mental message. I said, "Are you ok?" slowly and clearly, over and over. After a few times the monitor creaked once loudly. I smiled and said I'll take that as a yes. Then I sent a few more messages but got no monitor response.

Was sleepy again, and had a visionette. Was in line at the grocery store buying a couple of things. Got up to the register, paid, and as the receipt came out, I could read upside dowm that all it said was "Hi Di". I woke and smiled and asked Chuck if I was supposed to say hi to Dianna from him. The monitor creaked softly a couple of times. So I will tell her today.

Then I started to doze, was in that twilight state. Moved my left hand and felt something huge under the covers. Someone was in bed next to me. I was scared for a brief instant, but then I thought "It's Chuck!" and got very happy. He was like the invisible man. His form was there but you couldn't see anything. The sheets took on the shape of his contour, but you couldn't see his body. He rolled over so that he was on top of me. The bed creaked. He had a little bit of weight, but not as in life. ;-) I felt strong strong communication tingle. My arms were lifted but not by me, and went around him. I was hugging him and he was hugging me. I was laughing and telling him I loved him and missed him over and over. Calling him my pookie. I could look down and see the sheets hanging in mid air as if he was under them. We hugged for a long time. Then I felt him fade away and was happy and sad at the same time.

I turned on my right side and saw a vision of a high embankment. I was still in bed, viewing these things from bed. There was a line of parked, empty cars that suddenly started flipping over one by one. A white SUV of some kind flipped over the railing and sailed into space, falling down the hill and crashed on the ground. I asked Chuck if that meant I was going to die? I've been having crashing car dreams. I looked to my right and there was a little tree with a few leaves left on it, some were green and some were dried and brown. When I asked if I was going to die, the tree kind of whipped around and a brown leaf tore off. I knew that was Chuck and I said, I'll take that as a no. I asked is someone was going to die in a car crash? The tree shook a little, but no leaves fell. I started to get a little upset. I asked if my Mom was going to die. Tree shook violently and a leaf ripped off. Asked if Shoshana was going to die. Violent motion and a leaf ripped off. Was Tommy going to die? Violent motion and a leaf ripped off. I calmed down and asked if it was someone at work. I noticed the tree had lots of tiny green leaves on it now. It had almost been bare before. It shook gently. Yes. I tried to narrow it down. Was it a programmer? Sad little shake. So now I'm worried that someone is going to be hurt. I told Chuck I thought you weren't allowed to tell me anything! The little tree got more and more tiny leaves, and the surface started to sculpt itself into a face. I delightedly said, "It's you!" The tree had Chuck's face in relief in leaves. I laughed and fell out of bed to give it a hug. As I hugged, the tree turned into a lion that was made out of tire rubber. It was really solid. It had Chuck's face. At least how he would look as a lion! I had most of him in my lap at this point, hugging and laughing. Started rubbing the lion behind the ears. It rolled over and I could hear a deep rumbling purr. I rubbed his tummy. We were that way for a few moments. Both of us were happy and content. Then I woke up fully, all at once.

The radio came on in a few minutes as I was thinking about the visit. "It's nature's way of telling you something's wrong." So I'm worried again about someone from work getting hurt.

Thu Sep 2 2004 Smiling Face Sweet and sappy JT song on the radio as it went off. "Whenever I see your smiling face I have to smile myself because I love you."
Wed Sep 1 2004 Night Before The Night Before by the Beatles was the alarm song this time. Not the happiest of Beatles songs, but still a Beatles song!
Tue Aug 31 2004 Amazed Paul, Maybe I'm Amazed. Another song Chuck has sent me a lot. I hope this is truly how he feels about me.
Mon Aug 30 2004 Help From My Friends Radio on with Joe Cocker singing With a Little Help From My Friends. This song means a lot to me. Chuck sent it to me a lot at the beginning when I first moved back home.
Sun Aug 29 2004 Friends Heard a Bob Dylan song I've never heard before. "All I really want to do is baby be friends with you." Chuck taking the pressure off of me? Telling me it's ok if I date? I dunno. I hit the snooze.
But the next song told me that he's sad about how things are. Behind Blue Eyes, sung this time by Pete Townsend. "No one knows what it's like to be the sad man behind blue eyes."
Thu Aug 26 2004 See You Again James Taylor singing to me first thing from the radio. "I always thought that I'd see you one more time again." Chuck and I were certainly separated in one brutal instant. I never did get to say goodbye with everyone else. But I suppose I was the first to say goodbye. I knew right away he was gone.
Wed Aug 25 2004 Honky Tonk Another Stones wake up. :-) Honky Tonk Women. Chuck creaked the monitor all night and woke me up to hear the Stones!
Mon Aug 23 2004 Combo Morning Combo this morning, Stones/Beatles! Stones, Under My Thumb. Snooze! Then Beatles, We Can Work It Out. Definitely a Chuck morning.
Sun Aug 22 2004 Keep Searchin Sad sentiment coming from the radio. "I keep searchin for a heart of gold. And I'm getting old." Hope that doesn't mean that Chuck thinks I have a "bad" heart.
Sat Aug 21 2004 Moving Earth "I feel the earth move under my feet. I feel the sky tumbling down. I feel my heart start to trembling whenever you're around." Sweet Carol King as the alarm went off. Then a Fleetwood Mac song.
Fri Aug 20 2004 What You Want Stones from the radio. "You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes you just might find, you get what you need." Words of wisdom.
Sun Aug 15 2004 Happy Zlurp Worked on getting a small Zlurp! update out. That monitor was happily creaking at me after I got all the steps done. Creaked whether the monitor was on or off. Made me smile every time. After I finished uploading, the monitor creaked a bunch, and I talked to Chuck a bit. He seems to still be proud of Zlurp.
Sat Aug 14 2004 Lonely Birthday Radio started this morning with James Taylor "I don't want to be lonely tonight." Followed by the Beatles, Birthday. Well, it's not either of our bdays, so I guess this was just a Beatles emphasis?
Fri Aug 13 2004 Grab A Rope Monitor woke me up this morning. I told Chuck, ok, you have my attention. I'm paying attention to you! Radio came on with Ringo, Photograph. Made me cry. Feels like Chuck still misses me and wants to be together even after this much time. That makes me sad and comforted at the same time.
Then was Soul Man, by the Blues Brothers. "I'll grab a rope and pull you in. Give you hope and be your only boyfriend."
Thu Aug 12 2004 Call Your Name Radio spit out No Sugar, by the Guess Who. "Lonely feeling, deep inside. Find a corner where I can hide. Silent footsteps crowding me. Sudden darkness, but I can see..."
And I hit the snooze. (big surprise! ;-)
Came back on at the end of the Logical Song by Supertramp. "Won't you please, please tell me what we've learned, I know it sounds absurd, but please tell me who I am."
Then a sad Beatles song, I Call Your Name.
Wed Aug 11 2004 Storm of Creaking 96 Tears came on first thing from the alarm. "Too many teardrops for one heart..." I hit da snooze...

Monitor creaked up a storm this morning. Sometimes I don't know if it's Chuck saying hi or just a temperature change. But this morning it had to be Chuck. A couple of creaks woke me up and I told Chuck I loved and missed him. Told him I want to be with him. And that monitor did a crescendo of creaks. Louder and faster together. A whole bunch of them. And then I had a brief wave of vertigo. I usually don't get that just sitting there!

More songs talking to me this morning...Cinnamin Girl by CSN. Then Blood Sweat and Tears, And When I Die. "I'm not scared of dying and I don't really care.." And finally a Stones song to finish the set.

While I was in the shower a song lyric popped in my mind. "If I can't have you, I don't want nobody baby."

Mon Aug 9 2004 Spam Got to work and had a spam that made me cry. It was from "" and the subject was "Do you love me" The body was typical spam. I don't remember what. But to have that subject after the sad songs on the radio this morning really hit me. I told him that I did still love him and that I always will.
Mon Aug 9 2004 Falling to Pieces Sad songs from my radio this morning. :-(
Take It To The Limit, Eagles. "If it all falls to pieces tomorrow, will you still be mine?"
"Your love is fading. I feel it fade...Your touch has grown cold." I'm Losing You, Rare Earth.
Chuck feels I'm growing distant from him??? These sad songs always upset me.
Fri Aug 6 2004 Good Times Alarm gave me the Ides of March, Vehicle. "Great God in heaven you know I love you." Guess what I did? Hit the snooze! Hahaha!
Song I've heard a lot but I don't know who does it, "Old days. Good times I remember." Then a Stones song, Love, It's a Bitch. ;-)
Wed Aug 4 2004 What is Life Radio on with Zombies, Time of the Season. "Who's your daddy?" :-) Snooze!
Then a touching George song came on right at "Tell me what is my life without your love?" And then Boston, More Than a Feeling. Another snooze!
Van Morrison, Moondance. "I'm trying to play to the calling of your heartstrings." Then a song I'm not too familiar with, Solitary Man. And Eagles, Long Run. Chuck continues to tell me he cares.
Sun Aug 1 2004 Lonely Room Woke up with a song lyric in my head. "Looking out of my lonely room, day after day. Bring it home baby, make it soon. I give my love to you."
Sat Jul 31 2004 Birthday Song Song came to my mind before the alarm. Beautiful, sweet Beatles song, I Will. Played all the way thru in my mind like Chuck was singing it to me. Made me cry.
More Beatles when the alarm went off, Long and Winding Road. "Why leave me standing here, let me know the way." Snooze!
Then a Stones song, Sympathy for the Devil. That Beatles/Stones combo again! :-)
As I lay in bed I had another song come thru my mind. It was Stevie Wonder. "Growing up you learn that kind of thing ain't right, but while you were doing it, it sure felt out of sight. I wish those days could come back once more. Why did those days ever have to go, cause I loved them so." That is so much how I feel. A lot of the things we did probably weren't the best, but it was fun and we enjoyed ourselves. I truly loved my time with you Chuck. Then I hit the snooze again. Hey, you should sleep in on your birthday!
Last couple of songs before I got up were sad. Steely Dan, Reelin In the Years. And Bob Segar, Why Don't You Stay.
Fri Jul 30 2004 Good Day Happy Beatles song, Good Day Sunshine, from the radio this a.m. :-)
Thu Jul 29 2004 Brass Questions Monitor woke me up before the alarm. I said Hi Chuck. It creaked at me a couple more times. I talked to him a bit. The alarm came on with Questions, Moody Blues. Chuck wanted me to listen I think. Calling my attention to the song with the creaks?
Then a Beatles song, Blackbird.
Finally, the Pretenders, Brass In Pocket. "I'm special, so special. Gonna have some of your attention. Give it to me." I know you're special Chuck! And I give you a lot of attention. :-)
Tue Jul 27 2004 Looking At You Eye In The Sky radio greeting. Chuck has sent me this song so many times.
I am the eye in the sky
Looking at you
I can read your mind
Sun Jul 25 2004 Car Dream Took a nap this afternoon, had a dream. Another one where I was driving and my car went over the side of a high road. This time I was on a bridge. As my car headed for the water I was happy. I told Chuck I can't wait to see you again. I was so happy to be seeing him soon. I had intense waves of communication tingle all thru my body, stronger and stronger. I was so happy. I wonder if you feel that tingle before you die, if that's what you feel as your soul leaves your body.
Sun Jul 25 2004 Paul, Faces, Stones I felt very strongly that Chuck was behind the tunes this morning. Right off, was a Paul song, but sung by the Faces. I'd never heard this version. Was Maybe I'm Amazed. "Maybe I'm amazed at the way I love you all the time..." I really like this song.
Paul sang to me next. "Tonight I want to stay in and be with you, every night."
The Faces again with If Loving You is Wrong, I Don't Want to be Right..."I was glad to come, I'll be sad to leave. While I'm here I'll have a good time."
To cap it off was a Stones song, Sympathy For the Devil.
Thu Jul 22 2004 Let Somebody Make You Happy "You better let somebody love you before it's too late." Desperado sounded at my alarm. Then an emotional Blood Sweat and Tears song. "You made me so very happy, I'm so glad you came into my life." I'm very glad you came into my life Chuck. I think about that a lot, how different things would have been if I never met you.
Wed Jul 21 2004 Don't Be Late First song from the radio this morn..."Hurry don't be late. I can hardly wait. I said to my self when we're old, we'll go dancing in the dark, walking thru the park and reminiscing." Little River Band. Somehow I don't think Chuck is telling me to hurry to heaven. But it does sound like he can't wait until we're together again.
Then a happy Beatles song, Love Me Do. "Love, love me do. You know I love you. I'll always be true. So please, please, please, love me do."
Lastly this morning was the Doors, Touch Me. "Now I'm gonna love you till the heavens start to rain. I'm gonna love you till the stars fall from the sky for you and I."

I remembered I had a long dream about going to work with Tommy. It was at the Hicks office. I was trying to get my computer going and it had this annoying program that I couldn't get to quit. Chuck was in it's movies. It was an obnoxious ad for something. I couldn't figure out what! But Chuck was in the promo clip. He was laughing and dancing around with a bunch of people. Young, in their 20's people. He was having a really good time. I was surprised to see him in the clip, but I was frustrated cause the program wouldn't go away.

Tue Jul 20 2004 Heard It Radio on bright and early with "Heard it in a love song." After that was the Animals telling me "We've got to get out of this place...girl, there's a better life for me and you." I like that Chuck makes me feel that there is still an us, a "me and you".
Thu Jul 15 2004 See You Again Such bittersweet songs this morning. "I'll come running to see you again." James Taylor. Then one of those word for word songs. "I remember finding out about you. Every day my mind is all around you. Looking out of my lonely room day after day...I give my love to you." And a wonderful Beatles song, Got to Get You Into My Life. What a touching, thoughtful set this morning. I can't wait to be with you again Chuck. I hope you can read what I'm writing as I write so you know how I feel.
Sun Jul 11 2004 Didn't Mean To Hurt You Lyric popped into my head before the alarm. "When tears are in your eyes I will comfort you." Simon and Garfunkel.

Then the alarm, and the first thing I heard was "Even now, she's all that I want, all that I need." Bob Segar.
And a Stones song. Made me feel that Chuck was telling me his feelings. Then snooze!
And a John Lennon beautiful song, Jealous Guy. "I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm sorry if I made you cry." A sweet apology. Kind of wish Chuck had told me this when he could have a bit more easily!

Fri Jul 9 2004 Get Back Blue First was a Paul song from the radio, Uncle Albert. Hit the snooze. Had a lyric pop in my mind as I drifted, "Get back, get back, get back to where you once belonged."
Next radio song, Badfinger, Baby Blue.
"What can I do, what can I say
Except I want you by my side
How can I show you, show me the way
Don't you know the times I've tried?"
I know Chuck tries to talk to me. I've seen that it's gotten harder for both of us, from each side.
Wed Jul 7 2004 Don't Give Me Presents Alarm on this morning with the Beatles, She's A Woman. :-)
Tue Jul 6 2004 Thrill Last night I tried out for Tommy's band. One of the 3 songs I sang was The Thrill Is Gone. That one went the worst cause I didn't know it that well. The radio came on with The Thrill Is Gone. :-) Was Chuck poking at me?
Mon Jul 5 2004 Closer Substitute Before the alarm this morning I was talking to Chuck. Told him I'm just killing time until I get to be with him again. The first song I hears was Substitute, by the Who. Chuck definitely understands that no one will replace him, they are a bad substitute. I know that's not so flattering to any guy I might date now, but it is the truth. Chuck is a complete, totally, one of a kind, and I thank God I got to spend as much time with him as I did.

Then was "Darlin' if you want me to be closer to you, get closer to me." I had also told him that I want to communicate better and had practiced trying to empty my mind a focus this morning.

Sun Jul 4 2004 Only Dancing A Short While Had a quick dream before the alarm went off. Was at this kiosk that was advertising concerts. Was looking thru the concerts waiting for Chuck to pick me up. I was excited that he was going to be there to get me. I knew he and Tommy were both coming and then we were going to one of the concerts on the kiosk. I kept walking out to the parking lot looking for a car or a bike. I didn't know how they were coming. There were less and less cars in the garage and I was starting to get anxious. Then I saw a red bike and I said I guess Tommy is here somewhere so Chuck must be too. I got excited again and went back to the kiosk. I would see him any time now. But I woke before he got there.

Radio on and heard "Oh very young what will you leave this time, we're only dancing on this Earth a short while." Then was For Your Love, Yardbirds.

Sat Jul 3 2004 Glad You're Mine Sweet Seals and Croft song, Diamond Girl, came at me this morning. "Diamond girl, you sure do shine. Glad I found you. Glad you're mine." I'm glad you found me too Chuck.
Fri Jul 2 2004 4 Walls Lyric on radio - "Stuck inside these 4 walls"..."Never seeing no one nice again, like you." Band on the Run by Paul. Chuck has played this for me a few times already. I have tended to shut myself away. I don't go out that much.
Thu Jul 1 2004 CZ Sticker Going to PT, just spacing out and driving. Come up to a red light and see there's a huge sticker on the van in front of me, for the Czech Republic - CZ! I wound up behind that van for miles. I thought they were going to PT with me! I kept smiling when I looked at that big CZ. :-)
Thu Jul 1 2004 Always Be With You Alarm went off this a.m. with a sad song, While You See A Chance, Steve Winwood. It did start on the encouraging lyric "While you see a chance, take it."
But the next song made me feel better. Chuck telling me he still wants to be with me. "No matter what you are, I will always be with you." Badfinger, No Matter What.
Tue Jun 29 2004 Came For The Road Beautiful Beatles song played for me this morning. Long and Winding Road. Not sure if it's me singing to Chuck or him singing to me. It works both ways.
Then a phrase jumped out from the next song. "I came for you, for you, I came for you."
Mon Jun 28 2004 Whole Lotta Shakin At around 1am my bed started shaking. Like one of those Motel 6 magic finger beds. I woke up really groggy and disoriented. Couldn't figure out what the heck was going on. I kind of laughed and asked Chuck if this was an earthquake. I never seriously thought it could be. I live near Chicago for heaven's sakes! We don't have earthquakes! So I talked to Chuck for a while. Told him how much I loved him and missed him and wanted to commuicate better. The bed finally stopped shaking and I felt a brief wave of cold communication tingle in my arms and hands. I found out later today that it really was an earthquake! Go figure! Chuck was there with me though. :-)
Sun Jun 27 2004 Going Fast Song coming at me this morning said "If you want it here it is. Come and get it. But you better hurry cause it's going fast." Again, sounds like Chuck may not wait for me. At least not emotionally.

Next a Genesis song came on. "I, I get so lonely when she's not there." So it does sound like he misses me. I suppose Chuck can get as lonely as I can. I recently read something about being able to form new relationships in heaven. Maybe Chuck does want to move on. I guess I never thought that he might be lonely too. :-(

Sat Jun 26 2004 Closer To Me Not sure what meaning to take from the radio this morning. Seals and Croft song, Get Closer. It says "Darling if you want me to be closer to you, get closer to me. Darling if you want me to love only you, then love only me." Not sure if Chuck is saying that for us to be closer I need to try harder to communicate than I have been. Or should I focus on the second part - he wants me to only love him? I have asked him if he will wait for me and be with me when I go to heaven. He hasn't come out and made it clear to me what the answer is, but I've gotten the impression that he will be there waiting for me. But then he sends me things that say he might move on, so I don't know...
Fri Jun 25 2004 Good Intentions First phrase from the radio this morning was an Animals song. "I'm just a soul who's intentions are good. Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood." Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood. It seems like Chuck is telling me that I am misunderstanding what he's trying to tell me.
Thu Jun 24 2004 Carry Me Away Alarm was off this morn with a Beatles song. "Do what you want to do. And go where you're going to. Think for yourself cause I won't be there with you." I do tend to think a lot about what I'm doing in terms of if Chuck would like this or would Chuck approve. I'm sure he's telling me I don't have to still do that. This is not the first time he's told me this.

Then a song seemed to be telling me kind of matter of factly about him leaving me. Boston song, Hitch a Ride.
Gonna hitch a ride
Head for the other side
Leave it all behind
Never change my mind
Gonna sail away
Sun lights another day
Freedom on my mind
Carry me away for the last time

Was in the shower and a lyric from a couple of days ago again popped in my mind. "And love lies bleeding in my hand. Oh it kills me to think of you with another man." I'm not sure why Chuck seems so upset. I just don't know. Does he know something I don't and won't or can't tell me? I guess time will show me if there's an answer to this...

Wed Jun 23 2004 Daddy's Little Girl Mixed messages from the radio this morning. First was "I'm a man. Yes I am and I can't help but love you so." Which is nice. But then was a sad Bruce song lyric. "Hey little girl is your daddy home? Did he go and leave you all alone?" Chuck often called me his little girl. And he was forever asking me "Who's your Daddy?" I would always smile and say "You are!" He loved that. :-)
Tue Jun 22 2004 Pay Attention My monitor creaked loud enough to wake me up this morning at around 4am. Talked to Chuck a bit. Fell back to sleep and had a long dream with my sis in it. Radio came on with Laughing by the Guess Who. I've had tinnitus since the accident. It was strange this morning. As that song was playing, the steady sound in my ears pulsed louder at certain phrases of the song as it played. Chuck bringing my attention to things? Every time he sang about time moving slowly and the best years have come and gone. And at the start of the song where he sings about being hurt. I don't want to hurt you Chuck! I love you.

Then was a Fleetwood Mac song, Gold Dust Woman.
Did she make you cry
Make you break down
Shatter your illusions of love
Is it over now, do you know how
Pick up the pieces and go home.
Chuck, you have to know that I don't want to hurt you or make you upset! I tell you all the time how much I miss you. I just don't understand what you're going thru I guess.

Mon Jun 21 2004 Bleeding Love Radio this a.m. told me "And love lies bleeding in my hand. Oh it kills me to think of you with another man." Elton John. Maybe things aren't as cut and dried in heaven as I've been reading. I thought that spirits wouldn't feel this way. I've had lots of hints and outright signs from Chuck that he isn't happy thinking about me being with another guy. I thought he was supposed to want me to be with someone. That he couldn't feel this way in heaven. But how should I know! Heh. Us Joe Shmoes can't know absolutely for sure until we're there ourselves. ;-)
Sun Jun 20 2004 Over The Edge Had a dream that I was driving. Was going up higher and higher on this overpass. The car kept pulling towards the edge. I couldn't stop it. It wanted to go over the edge. And it did. I was up and over the rail and free falling towards the ground. I was scared at first, but right before I hit I felt peaceful and happy. I smiled and told Chuck I was coming to see him. I woke, but must not have been completely awake. I asked Chuck if that was the way I was going to die. I felt a wave of cold and the start of a communication tingle. Then it was like a very powerful wave washing over me. Stronger and stronger. And I felt a warm strong hug. I was laying on my tummy, and the hug brought my arms in to my sides. Felt quiet comfort and love. The hug lasted a few moments and I started telling Chuck over and over "I love you". Then he gave me another hug, not quite as intense as the first. I was still saying "I love you" over and over, and I started to cry. The 2nd hug faded away and I woke up fully, crying and still telling Chuck I loved him.
Sat Jun 19 2004 I Love You Truly Been dozing and waking a lot this morning. Trying to talk to Chuck a lot. Asking him if he misses me. Telling him how much I love him. Praying for him and a few others, like my cousin Karen. Telling him how sad I am that it's so hard for us to communicate now. A line from an old old standard popped into my head. "I love you truly, yes I do." I still miss you terribly Chuck.
Wed Jun 16 2004 Doctor Doctor Sweet songs this morning when the alarm went off. "Doctor doctor, give me the news. I've got a bad case of loving you."
"It's just that the thought of us so happy, appears in my mind...You can count on me..." Chicago song.
Tue Jun 15 2004 Monitor the Beatles Woke up early and tried to relax and talk to Chuck. Told him how much I loved and missed him. My monitor creaked at me and I was glad and said hi to him. Then I prayed for him that he was ok and doing well. Monitor creaked again when I was finished. Tried to really relax so that we could have a good connection, but my brain was going a mile-a-minute, darting around, thinking too much. I chuckled to myself and told Chuck I need to work on this. Maybe try meditation again. I did fall back to sleep. Woke up before the alarm with a Beatles song in my mind - I Want To Hold Your Hand. That was very sweet Chuck! :-)
Mon Jun 14 2004 Lacy Lilting Lady Chuck has sent this song to me many times. It means a lot to me, tells me that he wants me to be his still. Suite Judy Blue Eyes, CSN.
Sun Jun 13 2004 Day In The Beatles coming out of the radio this morning. Day In The Life.
Sat Jun 12 2004 Carry On Kind of sappy song from the radio, but meaningful. Styx. "Free, free to face the life that's ahead of me...And I'll try, O lord I'll try, to carry on."
Not sure if Chuck is telling me what I should do, or that he understands how I'm feeling?
Thu Jun 10 2004 Hand Me Down Dust Sad songs this morning. "All we are is dust in the wind. Everything is dust in the wind." "Don't give me no hand me down love." Snooze...
Then that same Moody Blues song, Questions. I've been hearing that one so much! It must mean a lot to Chuck. "And if you could see what it's done to me to lose the love I knew."
Tue Jun 8 2004 Stones Stones song on when the alarm went off. "I know it's only rock and roll, but I like it." :-)
Mon Jun 7 2004 I Love You Anyway Radio came on as usual but didn't think the songs had any significance for me. Then Rod Stewart, Maggie May came on and my monitor started creaking at me. So I paid attention. " stole my heart, I couldn't leave you if I tried." "You made a first class fool out of me, but I was blind as a fool could be. You stole my heart but I love you anyway."
Was like me talking to Chuck. He knows how I've felt about things. Then a Stones song came on, Hony Tonk Women, The period at the end of the sentence.
Sun Jun 6 2004 Lennon/McCartney Journal Was at Barnes and Noble with my Mom. We were killing time before going to the movies and were poking around. We looked at the journals. I was drawn to one that had music notes all over it. Thought it might be nice for Shosh and Tommy. Opened it up at random and saw the page had a quote at the bottom. Read it out loud to my Mom and it turned out to be Paul McCartney talking about John Lennon. My Mom's eyes got big and she said what are the chances of you opening that book to that page? Maybe a little nudge from Chuck?
Sat Jun 5 2004 CZ Plate Was taking a drive in to Lake Zurich. On Rt. 12 near Deerpark Mall. A Mercedes SUV passed me up in the left lane and my eyes were drawn to the license plate. It was a dealer plate with CZ on it. I smiled to myself for miles.
Sat Jun 5 2004 Little Helper Stones song on this morning from the radio...Mother's Little Helper. Chuck just saying Hi!
Tue Jun 1 2004 Quiet Conversation Had a Chuck dream that I don't remember very well. I was laying down, maybe in bed. Chuck was leaning over me and we were talking. He was talking quietly and sincerely, almost a whisper. I can still hear the resonance of his voice. He had his very long hair and it was falling over his face and on to me as he leaned over. I was happy to talk with him, but he wasn't happy like usual. It was a serious conversation. Of course I don't remember what it was! But I know my soul will.
Sun May 30 2004 Old Fashioned Alarm went off to the end of Old Fashioned Love Song by Three Dog Night. Then on came Roy Orbison, Anything You Want, You Got It. Very sweet morning.
Fri May 28 2004 Little Sister Last night I emailed ny sister and asked for help with something. This morning, first thing out of the radio was the Stones saying "Dance, dance little sister, dance." Well, I don't think I was that harsh asking her! :-)
Thu May 27 2004 Crossroads This morning seemed like Chuck was repeating back to me things I was thinking. The radio played "When will I be loved?" when it went off. Then the DJ said "We go down many crossroads." And he played Crossroads by Eric Clapton.
Sun May 23 2004 Quietly Fading Away Seems like Chuck was telling me this morning to think about making choices.
Started by hearing "I don't want to live here no more. I don't want to stay. Ain't going to spend the rest of my life quietly fading away." From Games People Play, Alan Parsons Project. Chuck was never one to quietly fade away. I don't think he wants me to do that either.
Then was Questions by the Moody Blues. Boy, I've heard this song a LOT. There's a whole section about losing love and having to make choices. Chuck must want me to hear it over and over so the message will sink in?
Fri May 21 2004 Stones/Beatles Combo Radio played a comforting combo of a Stones song followed by a John Lennon song as I woke.
Thu May 20 2004 Chuck Farr I got the most amazing spam. It was from Chuck Farr. Now Chuck Farr is a nickname/alias that Chuck had from way back. Way before I knew him. He used it a lot. Even had his own pager company using that name. So when I saw who the email was from I was startled. I have no idea where a spammer would have gotten that name from. It's certainly not in my address book anywhere! Then I looked at the contents. It was about refinancing even if you have bad credit. A few days earlier I had been talking with Tommy about Chuck's finances as I slowly went thru a couple of boxes of his stuff. I told Tommy that Chuck must have sent me a joke - talking about refinancing with bad credit after I had been talking to Tommy about Chuck's credit. :-)
Wed May 19 2004 Fooling Around With Love Can see a trend in the past couple of days that Chuck feels I'm pulling away from him or something. But then he tells me he loves me. Of course I don't get tired of hearing that!
First thing I heard was "I keep standing while you're fooling around with my heart." Snooze!
Then was Questions by the Moody Blues.
"I'm looking for someone to change my life,
I'm looking for a miracle in my life
And if you could see what it's done to me,
To lose the love I knew
Could safely lead me through."
Then was the end of I Got A Line On You. "Love you love you love you all year long."
Tue May 18 2004 Losing You Chuck has sent me this song before. I'm Losing You, Rare Earth, was playing from my radio when I woke up. Makes me sad when Chuck feels that he's losing me somehow. I always tell him I feel the same as I always have about him. That will never change.
Mon May 17 2004 Beatles Morning Was a Beatles kind of morning. :-)
First song I heard was She Came in Thru the Bathroom Window, sung by Joe Cocker. Then I turned on the tv to see the weather. I always check Fox 32. They were showing the lottery numbers and playing Here,There and Everywhere. "Knowing that love never dies. Watching her eyes. And hoping I'm always there."
Sun May 16 2004 First Ride of the Season Went riding for the first time this year with Tommy. We were going down Rt. 72 and I felt compelled to look right. There was a truck full of ads for a Caldwell Banker guy - Chuck somebody. Chuck was definitely riding with us. :-)
Sat May 15 2004 Want You So Bad Beatles song, She's So Heavy when the alarm went off. This song says that Chuck misses me a lot. I tell him I miss him all the time.
Fri May 14 2004 Second Hand Believer Radio on this morning with Second Hand News by Fleetwood Mac.
"I know you're hopin' to find
Someone who's gonna give you piece of mind."
Then the Monkees, I'm A Believer. Feels like Chuck is slowly coming to terms with me possibly being with someone else, but telling me that I mean a lot to him.
Thu May 13 2004 Not Coming Back Any More Radio made me cry this morning. I always cry at this song. Ringo, Photograph. "All I've got is a photograph and I realize you're not coming back any more."

I have trouble at work a lot when I see pictures of us on my Ceiva. But I'd rather see the pictures than not.

Wed May 12 2004 Am I A Loner? Sweet Hollies song, one of my favorites by them, Bus Stop, was first thing I heard from the radio.
"Thinking of a sweet romance, begin and end with you."
Went back to sleep and asked Chuck if I should stay alone the rest of my life? Chuck absolutely does not like the idea of me meeting someone online.

Woke up with the thought "JoJo was a man who thought he was a loner, but he knew it wouldn't last." Then the radio went off and I heard "Would you believe in a love at first sight? Yes I'm certain that it happens all the time." Joe Cocker version of the Beatles song.

Getting a strong sense of encouragement from Chuck that I will meet someone. I wonder if he will give me any clues about when it might happen.

Tue May 11 2004 Set On You George greeted me this morning with Got My Mind Set On You. Made me feel like Chuck still wants to be with me. This is such an odd song for the Drive to play too!
Fri May 7 2004 Miracle In My Life I've heard this song a lot! Alarm went off with Questions by Moody Blues.
"I'm looking for someone to change my life.
I'm looking for a miracle in my life."
I was thinking about this and my monitor creaked a bunch of times at me. Chuck adding punctuation to his comment! I told him I loved him and missed him.
Thu May 6 2004 Wait Hit a couple of snoozes, and radio came on with a Beatles song, Wait.
"Wait, till I come back to your side. We'll forget the tears we've cried."

Then was Billy Joel, You May Be Right. Chuck has played this one for me off and on.
"You may be right. I may be crazy. But it just may be a lunatic you're looking for."

Wed May 5 2004 Some May Go Chuck woke me this morning with my favorite lines from my favorite song.
"Some may come and some may go.
He will surely pass
When the one that left us here
returns for us at last
We are but a moment's sunlight
fading in the grass"
Youngbloods, Get Together. Gave me a warm feeling in my heart.
Mon May 3 2004 Each One Believing First this morning from the radio was Fleetwood Mac, Dreams.
"In the stillness of remembering what you had
And what you lost...
And what you had...
And what you lost"   :-(
Then one of the most beautiful Beatles songs, Here, There and Everywhere.
"Each one believing that love never dies. Watching her eyes, and hoping I'm always there."
Sun May 2 2004 I Like The Way... A Tommy James song I've never heard before was on when the alarm kicked off. I Like the Way
"I like the way you wanna kiss me. And I like the way you always miss me."
After a snooze, a nice Beatles song was on, Strawberry Fields.
Sat May 1 2004 Keep On Thinking "Well I keep on thinking bout you, sister golden hair surprise. And I just can't live without you, can't you see it in my eyes." First thing I heard this a.m. I hit the snooze and as I was laying in bed I had a strong wave of cold tingles go thru my body. Then the radio came back on with Fleetwood Mac, Rhiannon. "Don't leave me."
Fri Apr 30 2004 John Song Radio had John Lennon, Give Peace a Chance. My monitor was creaking hello at me too a couple of times. I talked to Chuck for a while, told him that I loved him.
Tue Apr 27 2004 I Give My Love To You Cried again this morning. Felt like Chuck telling me he loved me. Radio had Day After Day, by Badfinger.
"I remember holding you while you sleep
ev'ry day I feel the tears that you weep.
Looking out from my lonely gloom
day after day.
Bring it home
baby make it soon
I give my love to you."
Mon Apr 26 2004 Live In Chains Alarm told me "You live your life in chains and never know you have the key." Already Gone, Eagles. Chuck telling me it's all up to me?
Snooze...then Fleetwood Mac, Rhiannon. I always think of a Beatles, Stones or Fleetwood Mac song as the period at the end of the sentence of whatever Chuck wants to say to me.
Thu Apr 22 2004 Dream On Aerosmith on the radio - Dream On. "Sing women, sing for the years. Sing for the love, sing for the tears." I've awakened to this one several times.
Mon Apr 19 2004 Each Moment "If I could arrange this life, I'd spend each moment with you." First thing I heard when the alarm went off. So Far Away, Carol King. Made me cry. I miss you very much Chuck.
Sun Apr 18 2004 Be Back Radio came on with a haunting Beatles song, I'll Be Back. Hopefully it was the fact it was a Beatles song, and not meant to be taken literally. This song talks about breaking hearts. :-(
Fri Apr 16 2004 On Their Way Bridge Over Troubled Waters again from the radio. "Your time has come to shine, your dreams are on their way". Very encouraging and comforting. Made me feel a little hopeful. Hit the snooze...
Then was a Stones song, Street Fighting Man. Chuck telling me he did send me a message.
Mon Apr 12 2004 Feeling Fine I tell Chuck all the time that I still love him. This morning a Beatles song was on that makes me feel that he hears me. I Feel Fine.
"Baby says she's mine you know she tells me all the time you know she said so. She's in love with me and I feel fine. I'm so glad that she's my little girl. She's so glad, she's telling all the world."
Thu Apr 8 2004 You Don't Find Every Day Woke up with a lyric in my mind..."We had a love, a love, a love you don't find every day."
Mon Apr 5 2004 Most Amazing Email I received the most amazing email of my life this evening. Now I know why I had such an amazing visit from Chuck yesterday. He missed me. Anyway, here's the email I received from someone I don't know:

Hi, this weekend I went to the strawberry festival in Hammond Louisiana. I had to work Fri. So Denise and I rode down there in the truck. The guys left early Fri. morning on the bikes. We doubled up on the bikes after we got there and rode our litlle hearts out. Sat. we went to a bar that was on the water and we were sitting on the back porch hanging out and when I was looking at the water and the trees I felt the strangest feeling. I was one of those feelings that is king of melancoly, kind of sad and rejoiceful at the same time. The kind that dosnt come often, just a few times in your life. In mine anyway. I'll be 41 in May. The music on the juke box was playing out there and it was great, the water was so beatiful and every once in a while somebody would come by in a boat. The music was too loud to hear the breeze that was blowing and rustling the trees but not to loud. There was very powerful feeling and the strangest thing came in my head. Man Chuck would like this. Then I kept thinking strange disjointed thoughts about how life is a circle within a lot of circles and that it is spring and time for a new beginning. One of the people that I met last year was a man named Judge McRae. I found out later that day that Judge Mcrae's name was Chuck. So when I found that out I thought maybe I had heard it and didnt know it and my subconcouse picked up on it and that was who Chuck was. Truthfully I could care less if Judge McRae would have liked the moment or not. So I thought It was kind of strange. My husband and I meet a lot of people riding bikes and Judge McRae didnt make much more impression than most people do so I put it out of my mind. The chuck thing didnt go away. I have has it all weekend and it was here this morning when I came to work. Usualy when I have one of my feeling somthing will happen or somebody will saysomething and I will wish that I had said somthing out loud so that somebody eles can see that its kind of weird besides just me. These feelings never come when I feel for them just sometimes. This morning I desided to do a seach for Chuck and when I seen the picture of him I had the same feeling again. I barely skimmed through the web site It felt so personal. I don't have a clue who I am sending this message to or why but It is spring and time for a new begining.

I have a theory about this. I think Chuck has chosen to be one of this person's spirit guides. He was with her and I think the setting reminded him of some of our happy times at Famous Freddies or the Broken Oar. And he let her know. What just blows me away is the fact that she searched Chuck out online. I tried to do a search for Chuck and I couldn't get him to come up on any easy to find page without knowing his last name. I got back to the person who sent me the note and we've chatted a little. She's going to send me a picture of her and her husband. I'm curious to see if they look like Chuck and me.

Mon Apr 5 2004 Believe Radio started this morning with the Yardbirds, For Your Love. Then Chicago said "I do believe in you, and I know you believe in me." The rest of the song is kind of sad about going separate ways.
Hit the snooze...
Last was Minute By Minute - "You should spend your life with someone, I'll be holding on minute by minute."
Felt like Chuck told me he loved me, but I should be moving on. This isn't the first time I've thought he's told me this. It always makes me sad.
Sun Apr 4 2004 Most Amazing Dream Had a totally wonderful dream. I was laying in bed, but it wasn't my bedroom, but I knew it was still my bed. There was a strange metal cabinet right by my bed. Maybe some kind of projector. There was light coming out of the top and it hummed and vibrated a little like there was machinery working inside. I looked up at the ceiling and there were shadows of objects moving across. Then there were funny silhouettes of a man and a woman. Cartoon caricatures. Like Punch and Judy. I realized that when I moved my head or mouth the female head would move too. When I said something, the shadow spoke too. I started talking to the male shadow, and found out it was Chuck. We talked a little and then kissed. (well, the shadows kissed!)

I leaned my head against the black metal cabinet. I was happy that I was communicating with Chuck. Then I felt an intense electric communication tingle - almost a hum thru my whole body. I was worried that maybe I was getting shocked from the metal cabinet, so I picked my head up from it. But the electric feeling continued, even a bit stronger. Then I told Chuck over and over how much I loved him and missed him.

And suddenly he was in bed next to me. We were hanging on to each other, hugging tightly. Smiling and laughing. Both happy to be with each other. We hugged and kissed and talked for a while.

I asked him how he was doing. He said great. I don't remember everything we talked about - I never do. But Chuck was definitely comforting me. Suddenly I was in my kitchen messing with dishes in the sink. There was some guy talking to me from the family room and a big green bug on the window sill looking at me. I said "You guys made him go away. He won't talk to me in front of you." I was a little sad then because Chuck was gone.

Last night I had started reading another book about what it's like on the other side. It said it was important to keep praying for those who have passed. They still need our love. So I prayed hard for Chuck last night. Maybe he heard and came to me for a really nice visit.

Went back to sleep. Woke with the lyric in my mind - "I've had the time of my life, I've never felt this way before." Then the radio went off. Was Bridge Over Troubled Water - "When you're down and out...I will comfort you." I love you Chuck, thank you for spending so much time with me this morning. :-)

Sat Apr 3 2004 Only You When I woke up I had the tv on. There was a really nice, caring, sweet Ringo song on the tv - Only You. It wasn't Ringo singing, but it was still his song! :-)
Fri Apr 2 2004 Preparing Had an indistinct Chuck dream. Or rather a dream with Chuck in it. It wasn't really vivid like usual. I don't remember it well at all. We were very dressed up and Chuck was trying to help me get ready, prepare for something. That's it. So I really don't know if this was a visit, or just another indication of how hard it has been for us to communicate.
Thu Apr 1 2004 Wonderful Sweet song on the radio as I woke...Some Kind of Wonderful. :-)
Tue Mar 30 2004 Oil Time On the way home from work I felt compelled to look at my odometer and then look at the oil change sticker the shop put on the windshield. It was the EXACT mile on the sticker. Chuck telling me it's time for my oil change! I thanked him for looking out for me.
Tue Mar 30 2004 Imagine A Brightly Colored Fish Woke up and looked at the clock. It was 4:04. File not found! I laughed and enjoyed a gentle Chuck joke. Back to sleep...Radio on - Imagine by John Lennon. :-)
Had fallen back asleep at 4 with the tv on, looked as the radio went off. Was a cartoon with a little boy and his goldfish. Fish was in a little bowl with purple stones at the bottom. I kept looking at my brightly colored fish in it's bowl with the blue stones at the bottom and back to the tv. It sure felt close enough that it was Chuck saying hi.
Mon Mar 29 2004 Workin That Pilot This morning I was sad and said to myself that I thought Chuck had left me, wasn't around any more. Hadn't heard anything from him for 6 days. I had to call my PT and cancel for the week cause I wasn't ready to go back yet after my scope. When I got off the phone I opened the phone to mess with the palm pilot. It was on Chuck's entry in my Gift Memo program. Chuck told me he was still here with me. I cried and told him I still loved him.

Last time I used the palm pilot it was on the address book. There had to be a lot that happened to change from the Main category to the Shopping category, to select the Gift Memo program, and then select Chuck's profile.

Tue Mar 23 2004 In Your Eyes Again! Chuck sends me this song a lot. It must mean a lot to him, or really express what he wants to say. In Your Eyes, Peter Gabriel.
Mon Mar 22 2004 One Single Yesterday "I'd trade all of my tomorrows for one single yesterday, holding Bobby's body next to mine." Janis Joplin.
"I believe that you and me last forever." The Kinks.
Lastly, the Beatles, Here Comes the Sun.
Sun Mar 21 2004 The Time Of My Life Lyric popped into my mind in the shower this morning. "I had the time of my life. I never felt this way before." From Dirty Dancing. This was immediately followed by "Let's hang on to what we've got. Don't let go girl we've got a lot. Got a lot of love between us. Hang on hang on hang on to what we've got." In a way I'm glad that Chuck seems to miss me still, but it makes me sad to remember what I've lost.
Sat Mar 20 2004 Without You Radio made me cry this morning. The very emotional Nilsson song, Without You. "I can't live, if living is without you..." Followed by a Stones song. Chuck letting me know this is his message.
Fri Mar 19 2004 James and George Beautiful songs this morning. You've Got A Friend by James Taylor and Give Me Love by George. Very supportive.
Thu Mar 18 2004 Sit Back My morning musical message from Chuck, sounds like he's watching me be sad. "I sit and watch as tears go by."
"Why don't you stay?" Bob Segar.
Wed Mar 17 2004 Stronger Song when the alarm went off..."I have my own life, I am stronger than you know." Fleetwood Mac.
Tue Mar 16 2004 Many Tunes Radio had a lot to say this morning.
"Sing women, sing for the years, sing for the love and sing for the tears." Dream On, Aerosmith.
"Your touch, your touch has grown cold." I'm Losing You...forget who this is by!

"A dreamer of pictures, I run in her mind." Cinnamin Girl, Neil Young?

"So tired, tired of waiting, tired of waiting for you." Kinks.
"I've been searching so long, to find an answer. Now I know my life has meaning." Chicago.

Seems like the same things Chuck usually tells me about. About the pain of being apart. How he knows that I still think of him all the time. That he is ok, and in a good place.

Mon Mar 15 2004 Only Just Begun Woke up at 4:44am. My lucky number is 4, and Chuck's was 44. :-)
Song was playing in my mind, We've Only Just Begun, by the Carpenters. ""We've only just begun to live...sharing horizons that are new to us, watching for signs along the way, talking it over just the two of us..." Chuck and I definitely have been sharing what's happened between us. And there is no doubt that these are new horizons for both of us.

Radio went off as usual. First thing out was "Take a little trip, take a little trip, take a little trip with me." Then was "I walk alone and call your name."

Went down stairs and saw that a picture I had hung of Chuck had fallen. That upset me a lot. I don't know if he was trying to tell me that he was leaving, or he didn't like the picture, or he didn't like where it was hanging???

Sun Mar 14 2004 Typo! Got an email from Larry today talking about how well we were doing. He made a typo. Had "Chuck" instead of "chunk". The n and c aren't even close to each other! I think Chuck gave him a little nudge to tell us he was thinking of us, and maybe he was proud. :-)
Sun Mar 14 2004 Went Out On The Road This morning heard a CCR song from the radio. "Bout a year ago, went out on the road..." Maybe Chuck was thinking about the accident this morning.
Wed Mar 10 2004 Bridge Radio played me Bridge Over Troubled Water. "Like a bridge over troubled water, I can ease your mind." Chuck telling me to talk to God? I can do that!
Mon Mar 8 2004 Can't Smile Lyric popped into my mind when I woke up this morning. Barry Manilow of all artists! "Can't smile without you..."
Sun Mar 7 2004 Beatles Comforting Beatles song on this morning, Hard Day's Night.
Sat Mar 6 2004 The Three Bears It's been rather an emotional day. I watched Second Hand Lions. Several lines jumped out at me and just seared into my mind. One was "true love lasts forever". I felt a feeling of comfort and "rightness" when I heard that.

Later I did something I've been thinking about doing for a while. Taking another baby step in moving forward. I have had 3 teddy bears in bed with me, and one of Chuck's favorite shirts. I've been thinking I'm ready to move the bears to the night stand and put the shirt into my Chuck memory box. I picked up the shirt and kind of hugged it, and even tho I was crying, I felt a feeling of peace and comfort wash over me. It has to be Chuck encouraging me. I put the shirt away and moved the bears. I hugged the last one before arranging them, and again I had a calming comfort go thru me, and even had a moment where my whole body felt kind of weak, almost disconnected. I thanked Chuck for being there. Told him I will love him forever.

Sat Mar 6 2004 Feather Undertook a major task this afternoon. Started to clean the basement. I was intending to vacuum up all the dead doodlebugs. (what we call box elders!) Had just started sweeping up a bit - cleared out the studio Chuck built for Tommy, and swept the stairs. Had gotten all that into a trash bag when I saw a white feather on the floor by my feet. I hadn't seen it there before and I have no idea where it came from. There wasn't anything with feathers anywhere nearby. I picked it up and of course thought of John Lennon and Chuck's and my conversation about John and the white feather. So I immediately thought that Chuck was with me, and probably very happy that I was doing something to improve his house. Chuck dearly loved our house.
Sat Mar 6 2004 Tired Morning radio song, Dire Straits, So Far Away From Me. "Tired of waking up all alone, you're so far away from me."
Thu Mar 4 2004 Carry On Last night I was very upset, told Chuck I wanted to see him. Haven't had any other contact besides radio songs that are open to interpretation. No monitor creaks, phone noises, nothing. I was very sad. I still don't know if it's a problem on my side, or Chuck is pulling away. I suppose this is a natural progression, but I don't have to like it. This morning a CSN song came on, Carry On. "Rejoice, rejoice, we have no choice but to carry on...Love is coming, love is coming to us all...lover can you talk to me."
Tue Mar 2 2004 Miss You Stones song on the radio, Miss You.
Sun Feb 29 2004 Moment's Sunlight My favorite song was on the radio first thing this morning. Get Together by the Youngbloods. "When the one who left us here returns for us at last. We are but a moment's sunlight fading in the grass." That song is so beautiful. Chuck would tease me about being a hippie when it came on. Then a Beatles medley, Sun King/Mr. Mustard/Polythene Pam/Bathroom Window.
Chuck started and ended February with my favorite song. Thank you Chuck. I love you.
Thu Feb 26 2004 Try Best We Can Radio came on with "They lived happily forever, or the story goes. But somehow they missed out on the pot of gold. And we'll try best that we can, to carry on." That's certainly how I feel. Chuck and I missed out on our pot of gold. And I'm trying the best I can to carry on.
Then another song I hear a lot that I think Chuck sends me...Badge by Cream. "Thinking bout the times you drove in my car." "Better pick yourself up off the ground, before they bring the final curtain down." "She cried away her life." I think Chuck tries to encourage me. I know he is unhappy that I am unhappy.
Wed Feb 25 2004 Beautiful Life Woke up at 1:30 am feeling very disoriented. The TV was still on and showing a strange movie. The TV was on a different channel than when I went to sleep, and TiVo didn't record anything. So I'm not sure how it got there. Looked at the TiVo guide to see what the movie was. It was "It's a Beautiful Life". I believe Chuck was telling me that it's still worth being alive.

The alarm went off to Joe Cocker doing the Beatles, I Get By With a Little Help From My Friends. Last night I was talking with my Mom about not going out any more. Seems like Chuck is telling me to rely more on my friends. This is of course good advice! I've been doing less and less with people. Shutting myself away I guess. It certainly doesn't make me feel any better to stay home - staying home by myself all the time just makes me miss Chuck more.

Mon Feb 23 2004 I Am Yours, You Are Mine Alarm this morning played for me CSN song, Suite: Judy Blue Eyes. I always cry when Chuck sends me this song. He has a handful that he plays for me fairly regularly. This song is about us belonging to each other. But also that Chuck feels like I'm leaving him.
Wed Feb 18 2004 Stay Lady Stay Phrase from the radio right as it came on - "Stay lady stay, stay with your man a while." I laughed and told Chuck that was what I was going to do, I told you last night I wasn't going to think of anyone but you! :-)
Then the Who..."See me, feel me, touch me, heal me." Told Chuck I would very much like to see and touch him again. I'm looking forward to that very much.

I have a saying I say to myself...whenever I hear someone saying "you can see the light at the end of the tunnel" I say to myself "if I see the light at the end of a tunnel, that's when I get to see Chuck again".

Tue Feb 17 2004 Someone New Once again I was poking around on an online dating site. I guess I can't see how I would meet anyone any other way. I don't go out. I'm kind of shy. So it seemed like that might be a good way to meet new people. As I've said before, Chuck does NOT want me to do this. The alarm went off and the radio was playing "It's breaking my heart in two thinking about you with someone new." Cat Stevens song. I cried because I don't want to upset Chuck. I miss him as much as I did from day one. So I promised him I wouldn't do that online dating stuff any more since it sounds like it hurts him.

I've thought about this a lot. The main two people that have been in my life were kind of thrown at me. Just shoved in my face by someone else - here, meet Chuck. Here, meet Jeff. Maybe Chuck is telling me that if I am going to meet someone, it will happen like before. Not by me trying too hard. It also feels like Chuck isn't ready to see me with anyone else. Not that I particularly feel ready to do that anyway! This goes against things I've read about how spirits feel after they pass. I've read that they don't feel as involved. Things don't matter to them. But Chuck is sure telling me loud and clear that this does matter to him.

Mon Feb 16 2004 Life of Luxury I felt like a spoiled brat when I was at Erika's. She works so hard and I have just too much. Last night I was telling Chuck about how I felt. This morning the first song on the radio was the Kinks. "Live this life of luxury, lazing on a sunny afternoon...Love to live so pleasantly, live this life of luxury." Chuck heard me and understands how I felt!
Sun Feb 15 2004 Back Home I came home today from a short vacation. I visited Erika in Atlanta. When I got my stuff up in my room my monitor creaked away at me. Like Chuck was glad to see me and welcomed me home. :-)
Wed Feb 11 2004 Far Away Woke up before the alarm went off with a couple of songs running thru my mind.
Beatles, "Soon we'll be away from here
Step on the gas and wipe that tear away
One sweet dream came true today."
Stones, "And life ain't worth a dime
Get a girl with far away eyes."
Then the alarm went off and told me "You're so far away from me." Dire Straights.
Mon Feb 9 2004 More Moody Yet more Moody Blues! "From the fire that's slowly burning, take the ashes and make another day." I'm getting the feeling that Chuck is trying to encourage me. I have been just moving in place. Or actually it's been a long road to get close to where I was before. I don't think I'm quite even with where I was Sept. 2002. I still have a way to go.
Sun Feb 8 2004 Oh My Darling I think Chuck realized how upset he made me before. Very sweet Clapton song, "Oh my darling, you look wonderful tonight." Then the Beatles, She's So Heavy. "I want you. I want you so bad. I want you so bad it's driving me mad, it's driving me mad."
Fri Feb 6 2004 What The Truth Is? I had been asking Chuck many questions the past couple of days. Seems like he has changed his mind, or I misunderstood him before, or something. The radio was kind and loving this morning. Another Moody Blues song, "Just what the truth is, I can't say any more. Cause I love you, yes I love you, how I love you." And the DJ came on and said what the previous songs were, God Only Knows by the Beach Boys and the Stones, Miss You. Wish I would have been up 5 minutes earlier to hear them!
Wed Feb 4 2004 Very Upsetting Messages I had a very upsetting morning. Very sad songs. Made me feel that Chuck was telling me goodbye. First was Guess Who "No time left for you."
Then the DJ came on and said "Life has no meaning any more, does it?"
Then B.B. King, The Thrill Is Gone. I was extremely upset and was asking Chuck why he didn't love me any more.
Tue Feb 3 2004 The Future Moody Blues song this morning.
"With your arms around the future
And your back up against the past."
Chuck telling me how I'm feeling? He's right. I haven't been able to move forward yet.
Mon Feb 2 2004 Favorite Song My favorite song was on this morning. And believe it or not, it's not a Beatles song! It's Get Together by the Youngbloods. "We are but a moment's sunlight fading in the grass." I really enjoyed it. Then I did the snooze thing.
Then I heard "You're so far away" by Carole King. And lastly a Stones song. I felt Chuck was with me this morning.
Sat Jan 31 2004 Baby I love Your Way Another loving song this morning from my radio. Peter Frampton, Baby I love Your Way. "Ooo baby I love your way. Ooo baby I love your way every day. Want to be with you night and day...But don't hesitate, cause your love won't wait."
Fri Jan 30 2004 Great God In Heaven The Ides of March were singing to me with my alarm, Vehicle. "I love you, I need you, I want you, got to have you. Great God in heaven you know I love you." Thank you Chuck. That was pretty clear. :-)
Wed Jan 28 2004 Be With You Sweet Kinks song was on when the radio came on this morning. "The only time I feel all right is by your side. Girl I want to be with you all of the time, all day and all of the night."
Mon Jan 26 2004 Even Tho We Ain't Got Money My monitor creaked and woke me up right before the alarm went off. When that happens I know Chuck wants me to pay attention! :-)
The first song I heard on the radio was "Even tho we ain't got money, I'm so in love with you honey." And then a wonderful Beatles song Things We Said Today. "You say you'll be mine girl, till the end of time. These days such a kind girl seems so hard to find."
Sun Jan 25 2004 Creaky Love? Before I went to bed I asked Chuck if he still loved me - I hadn't heard from him for a while. I told Chuck I loved him, and the monitor started creaking at me. I took that to mean that he still loved me.
Tue Jan 20 2004 In Your Eyes Had a thought come at me before the alarm went off - the song For Your Love.
With the alarm I first heard Ready For Love, and then a song that Chuck seems to play for me a lot, Peter Gabriel's In Your Eyes.
That song must mean something to Chuck too. I miss you so much Chuck. :-(
Mon Jan 19 2004 American Chopper Watched tv with Chuck for a while tonight! :-) I was TiVo-ing American Chopper, and watching it a bit as it was recording. My monitor creaked happily at me, so I asked Chuck if he was enjoying watching American Chopper with me. Then I decided to watch my soap opera I had TiVo-ed and watch the rest of American Chopper tomorrow. I tried to use the TiVo remote and go to the What's Playing screen. Suddenly I found myself back watching American Chopper! I was puzzled, then laughed. I think Chuck wanted to watch more of his show and influenced me to push the wrong buttons on the remote. I told him I was going to finish watching it tomorrow, so come back and watch it with me! I really love when Chuck hangs around with me like that.
Mon Jan 19 2004 This Is Your Song Chuck sent me a very sweet Elton song when the alarm went off - Your Song.
And then a Beatles song, Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds...telling me the Elton song was from him! :-)
Sun Jan 18 2004 For Once In My Life Started singing this Stevie Wonder song in my mind this morning. "For once in my life I have someone who needs me..." Maybe that means that Chuck will stay close to me to help me get thru things.
Sun Jan 18 2004 Tingle Waves Woke up at 3am. I had fallen asleep with the tv on. I had a dream I was laying in bed watching the tv, exactly as I was when I fell asleep, except the tv was a plasma, hanging on the wall. I thought I was awake. As I watched, the image on the tv changed and suddenly I knew it was a spirit trying to communicate with me. I felt these three intense waves of "communication tingle" ebb and flow thru my body. I was getting scared because it was so strong, but I told myself I was NOT going to wake myself up if I was sleeping. So I let it happen. Suddenly I was awake, my eyes were open, and I was in the exact same position as in my dream, looking at the exact same spot. As if I had been sleeping with my eyes open.

Before I went to sleep I was talking to Chuck. Asking him if he still cared about me and if he still loved me. I have been very sad that I can't communicate with him like before. I think he was really trying hard to reach me tonight. For whatever reason it's been very hard for us to reach eachother.

Sat Jan 17 2004 Love is Everywhere Allman Brothers song on the radio - "Jesus can you feel it, love is everywhere." Chuck plays a lot of songs for me with Jesus references. I've asked him before if he's met Jesus, but I haven't gotten an answer.
Fri Jan 16 2004 All Right If You Love Me Woke up before the alarm and told Chuck I loved him. Sang him the Barney song. I crack myself up doing that, but I think Chuck likes it. :-)
When the alarm went off there was a Stones song on, so it seemed that Chuck heard me. Then was a Tom Petty song "It's all right if you love me, it's all right if you don't." I didn't like hearing that one. Why would it be ok if I didn't love him any more? But lastly was a John song, Imagine. Very inspirational. And a Stones/Beatles combo tells me Chuck was involved.
Thu Jan 15 2004 Gonna Be Allright Had a song pop into my mind when I woke this morning. "Tell you everything's gonna be allright."
Wed Jan 14 2004 Go To Heaven Another busy song morning. First Rod Stewart told me to "Stay with me."
Then I heard "I'm going to cry 96 tears" by ?
And then a Beatles song, One Sweet Dream. "1234567, all good children go to heaven."
Hit the snooze...Then a Simon and Garfunkle song, Ceceila, "Jubilation, she loves me again."
Feels like Chuck wants me to be with him. He misses me. And knows I still love him. I tell him I love him almost every morning and night so he will be sure of how I feel!
Tue Jan 13 2004 Maybe I'm Amazed Had a long set of meaningful songs sent to me today. Just going to relate the phrases that jumped out at me.
"Thank you for the times you rode in my car." - Eric Clapton.
"No one knows what it's like to be the sad man, to be the bad man behind blue eyes." - the Who.
"It's been you, woman, right down the line." - This one makes me cry. It's such a beautiful, loving song.
Finished with Paul's Maybe I'm Amazed - "Maybe I'm amazed at the way you love me all the time."
Mon Jan 12 2004 I Won't Forget You The radio gave me a Who song - "Listening to you I get the music. Gazing at you I get the heat. Following you I climb the mountain. I get excitement at your feet!"

Taking my shower I had a song pop into my mind. Was a James taylor song and made me cry, Your Smiling Face.
"I thought I was in love
A couple of times before
With the girl next door
But that was long before I met you
Now I'm sure that I won't forget you
And I thank my lucky stars
That you are who you are
And not just another lovely lady
Sent down to break my heart

Sat Jan 10 2004 Remember When Fleetwood Mac came on my radio as the alarm went off.
"You make loving fun. And I don't have to tell you but you're the only one."

Then there was a song I've never heard before by Leon Russell -
"I will love you in a place where there's no space and time...
When my life is over, remember when we were together."
Well, Chuck can't get much clearer than that in telling me how he feels.

Thu Jan 8 2004 Day Beautiful Beatles song on the radio this morning, Day In the Life.
Wed Jan 7 2004 God Only Knows Another song that makes me cry when I hear it on my morning Chuck songs. Beach Boys, God Only Knows.
"I may not always love you
But long as there are stars above you
You never need to doubt it
I'll make you so sure about it
God only knows what I'd be without you"

Snooze...Fleetwood Mac was in the middle of Gold Dust Woman -
"Is it over now, do you know how
Pick up the pieces and go home."
Well this was sad. Made me think a lot. What was Chuck trying to tell me here? I need to pick up my pieces???

Tue Jan 6 2004 In Your Eyes Cried first thing this morning when a very special song was on - Peter Gabriel, In Your Eyes.
"in your eyes
the light the heat
in your eyes
I am complete
in your eyes
I see the doorway to a thousand churches"

Then the Grass Roots told me - "In my midnight confessions, I tell all the world that I love you."

Hit the phrase I heard was "Love love you all year long" - end of I Got a Line On You.

Mon Jan 5 2004 Sharing Antiques Was watching the Antique Road Show. They had a Beatles Butcher album on. Was getting a kick out of hearing them talk about it and my monitor creaked very loudly. Chuck was watching with me. :-)
I thanked him for staying so close to me and asked if he was getting a kick out of watching the Beatles thing with me.
Mon Jan 5 2004 I've... Radio came on with Some Kind of Wonderful. Really sweet song.
Hit da snooze and had one of those "visionettes"...Saw a computer screen and knew it was Chuck typing. Or trying to type...All that came up was "I've". Then other letters came up and were backspaced off. For whatever reason it looks like Chuck is trying to talk to me, but having trouble. Maybe he's trying to tell me something he's not supposed to again.
Then I dozed and the monitor creaked really loudly and woke me up. I said Hi sweetie. :-) Then the radio went on with One of These Nights.
"One of these nights, In between the dark and the light
Coming right behind you, Swear I'm gonna find you
Get ya baby one of these nights"
Sun Jan 4 2004 Be My Girl? Woke up with the tv still on. Guess I forgot to set the timer! Was a commercial for the headbanger's ball on mtv. The 2 songs in the commercial just played a couple of phrases, quickly. I heard "Are you gonna be my girl?" "I believe in love."
Then as the alarm went off, was Stevie Wonder - "If you really love me won't you tell me?" This was one of those mornings that I got the feeling that Chuck was unsure about me again. So I told him over and over that I loved him.
Sat Jan 3 2004 Truffles! This morning's first song was a George Beatles song, Savoy Truffle.
"You know that what you eat you are, but what's sweet now turns so sour."
I've been struggling with eating too much junk and candy. Chuck giving me a warning to watch it? ;-)
Next was You're So Vain, by Carly Simon. Am I getting too concerned with my looks? I shouldn't be so upset about how my leg looks?
Then was a Stones song - "Lord I miss you." I miss you too Chuck. Very very very much. :-(
Fri Jan 2 2004 Stones and Paul Radio came on with For Your Love.
"For your love, for your love, I would give the stars above.
For your love, for your love, I would give you all I could."
Then I hit the snooze...
Then was a "signature" combo that really tells me that Chuck was involved this morning. A Stones song followed by a Beatles related song. Was Under My Thumb and then Too Many People. Again, I don't think the content of these songs are telling me anything, just the combo gives me comfort.
Wed Dec 31 2003 How Chuck Feels Everything I heard this morning was like a long statement of how Chuck feels. It touched me. I wish I could communicate with him better. Anyway, Fleetwood Mac started by saying
"But listen carefully to the sound, Of your loneliness, Like a heartbeat, drives you mad
In the stillness of remembering what you had, And what you lost
And what you had, And what you lost"
Then Rod Stewart,
"Your love is fading I can feel your love fading, Woman it's fading away from me"
Next was Styx,
"A gathering of angels appeared above my head, they sang to me this song of hope and this is what they said,
They said come sail away, come sail away with me"
And finally from Cream,
"I wait in the place where the sun never shines"

I have never read anything about souls being insecure in heaven, but it feels that is what is happening with Chuck. He keeps telling me that he's unsure about how I feel about him. But then he says he wants me to be with him, and he is waiting. This is by far not the first time I've gotten this flavor of message from him. I try to tell Chuck all the time that I love him as much as I ever did. I just thought of something...maybe when he says I'm fading away, he's referring to how much harder it is to communicate with me. Well, I can hope that's what he means.

Tue Dec 30 2003 So Far Away Heard a sad lyric that tells me Chuck still misses me. Springstein, "You're so far away from me, so far away from me, so far away from me." Then was a lyric from Get Ready..."Never met a girl who makes me feel the way that you do, you're all right."
Mon Dec 29 2003 No Sorrow This morning was a CCR song. "Just got back from Illinois...Bother me tomorrow, today I'll buy no sorrows, looking out my back door." I sit in the kitchen and look out the back patio door a lot. It is peaceful this time of year with a blanket of snow in the back yard. An occasional bird or squirrel.
After a snooze, Satisfaction by the Stones came on.
Sun Dec 28 2003 Us So Happy Heard this first when the radio went off - "It's just that the thought of us so happy, appears in my mind..." A Chicago song. Then was a song I've never heard before - "You were absolutely right and I was wrong..." Heh. Chuck told me this on more than one occasion. ;-)
Sat Dec 27 2003 Picking Tunes I was working on the videos I'm making of all the pictures of Chuck I could assemble. I was trying to pick out music to go along with the video. Did this sitting at the XP computer. It felt like Chuck helped me pick out much of the music. I'd play some songs and the monitor would creak a bit or not at all. I'd play another and it would go nuts. I'd copy that one to use and tell Chuck, ok, you really like that one, I'll use it. Went downstairs to look thru Chuck's CDs and one of the turned off monitors down there creaked at me a few times. I asked Chuck if he was having fun helping me. Found a mixed disc and brought it back up to see what was on it. As I played thru it Chuck picked out 2 songs, a NIN and a Megadeth. So of course I will use them!
Sat Dec 27 2003 Down the Drain Woke up at 5:30 am, messed with the tv and was just lying in bed, trying to go back to sleep. This felt the same as when Chuck pops a song into my mind, but this was visual. I saw a kitchen sink drain and things were going down it one by one. Saw a Xmas tree slide down, a present, and a couple of other things. Then I was going down the drain. I was fighting it, hanging on to the edge, but I was losing the battle. Then Chuck was there. He pulled me up and held me tight. We were sitting in the drain together. But he was hugging me tight and smiling, and I knew he wouldn't ever let me go down the drain. Chuck looked a little different. He had short, dark hair and was huuuuge. Even bigger than he ever was in life.

I have been feeling like I've been slowly sliding down a slippery slope. Struggling against it, but still sliding down. Been more and more depressed. Probably has to do with the holidays. This "visionette" shows me that Chuck is definitely there for me. He won't let me slide down too far. He's my safety net.

Then the alarm went off and it was a Stones song. I heard "Heartbreaker, with your 44..." Couldn't be much clearer than that to tell me that was sent by Chuck.

Fri Dec 26 2003 Now And Forever John Lennon sang to me for Chuck this morning. Woman... "I love you, yeah yeah, now and forever."
Thu Dec 25 2003 Merry Xmas Woke up with a lyric in my mind, "I feel you knocking but you can't come in."
Alarm went off - Black Magic Woman - "Don't turn your back on me baby."
Kind of an unhappy morning! Then my monitor creaked at me a bunch of times. I told Chuck Merry Christmas. Then I asked if he spent any time with Jesus. No answer. Wasn't really expecting one! Then I said I love you over and over so he'd hear.
Wed Dec 24 2003 Ticket Beatles, Ticket To Ride was the first thing I heard from the radio this a.m. Hopefully it was just the fact that it was a Beatles song, and not that I'm making Chuck sad. Many times I wonder if I'm reading too much into songs. Maybe a song is just a song and not a message to me. But many many times I get such a strong feeling for a lyric phrase. It will jump out at me and burn itself into my mind. It's like something being blurry and then coming into sharp focus all at once. Lots of times I'm still sleepy and can't even make out the words to the song, then suddenly they're crystal clear.
Tue Dec 23 2003 It's Been You Really sweet song on the radio this morning, Gerry Rafferty, Right Down The Line.
"Long as I've got your love, You know that I'll never leave"
Made me cry.
Mon Dec 22 2003 Carry That Weight Lots of tunes this morning. I need to stop hitting the snooze so much! ;-)

First was "Can't you see, can't you see, what that woman's been doing to me..."
Beatles - "Boy, you're going to carry that weight, carry that weight a long time...Are you gonna be in my dreams you, love you, love you, love you... And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make."
Really felt like Chuck was just talking to me. Telling me it's going to be hard for a long time, but you get out of life what you give.
Blood Sweat and Tears - And When I Die. Talks about not being scared of dying and being ready to go. To be honest, I'm not scared of dying any more. I'm ready to go, but I guess I'm not finished here, or I would have gone with Chuck. This song stuck with me for several days. Kept singing it to myself.
Then was "You ain't seen nothing yet..." :-)
Last was that amazing Wet Willie song, Keep On Smiling. "Keep on smiling thru the rain, laughing at the pain..."

Sun Dec 21 2003 Little Dream Monitor creaked and woke me up. Went back to sleep and had a little Chuck dream. Chuck was sitting outside. He looked like he did around 1998. He was kind of upset and was trying to tell me something. But when he tried to talk he looked like he was going to be sick. That same thing happened in a previous dream visit. Looks like the effort to communicate with me is too hard sometimes. Or maybe he's trying to tell me something he's not supposed to! ;-)
Fri Dec 19 2003 It's A Gas Had a Stones song on the radio first thing this morning. "It's all right now, in fact it's a gas." :-)

Then was the Guess Who, She's Come Undone. This is a sad song actually. I do feel like I've come undone, but not in the way the song says. Maybe Chuck is telling me he realizes how hard it's been for me lately and sees that I've "come undone".

Wed Dec 17 2003 Can't Go On Radio came on with "Turn to stone since you've been gone, I've turned to stone. Turn to stone, when you coming home, I can't go on." I will be coming home to you Chuck when I'm supposed to I guess. I know Chuck knows something about this. And I also know he's not allowed to tell me anything. He almost gave me a hint once, but it turned out that I could take it to mean it would not be long before I see him or that it would be a long time. So I have no idea, as intended. We aren't supposed to know when we are leaving. It would interfere with what we are trying to accomplish while we are here.
Mon Dec 15 2003 Get What You Need Good advice from the first song this a.m. Stones - You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need. Then Gordon Lightfoot - Carefree Highway. "Pickin' up the pieces of my sweet shattered dream..." This song made me wonder if Chuck thinks this way too. Does he think that his dreams were shattered like I do? I'm not sure. Everything is supposed to be great in heaven, but I get the feeling that spirits can still be sad, upset, unsure.
Sun Dec 14 2003 Do You Love Me? Busy radio morning...Chuck asking me if I still loved him? Dave Clark 5, Do You Love Me..."Tell me tell me tell me, do you love me?" Then the Beatles - You Really Got A Hold On Me. This is a mostly loving song except for the lines that say I don't like you, but I love you. ;-)
After hearing the "Do you love me" question, I told Chuck over and over that I loved him very much, and reset the alarm for another hour, went back to sleep. From what I've read, you need to repeat things a lot to be able to get thru to spirits, so I repeated myself many times. I don't want Chuck to think for a moment that I don't fell the same way about him still.

Alarm went off again...Good good good vibrations! And then I Can Hear Music. Sounds like Chuck heard me and liked what I said. :-)

Sat Dec 13 2003 Ladybug Ladybug A little set up my bathroom I have Chuck's turquoise arrowhead necklace and an angel pin that Margueritte gave me sitting together next to the sink.
With that said...I was taking my shower and I noticed a ladybug on the shower wall. Finished my shower and opened the curtain. The ladybug flew in front of me and did a big figure 8 in the air and landed on the counter by the sink. I stepped out of the shower and saw that the bug had landed right by the arrowhead. Felt like Chuck was trying to get my attention and tell me he was there. That ladybug proceeded to hang out by that sink for 3 or 4 days. Keeping me company???
Thu Dec 11 2003 Tiny Sunshine Sweet songs this morning coming to me. First Elton John, Tiny Dancer.
"But oh how it feels so real
Lying here with no one near
Only you and you can hear me
When I say softly, slowly
Hold me closer tiny dancer

Then Sunshine of Your Love. Chuck sent me this song fairly recently, Nov. 26.

Wed Dec 10 2003 Paul and Stones and Billy Radio treated me to a silly Paul song, Temporary Secretary, and then a Stones song, Honky Tonk Woman. I always get a kick out of hearing a "Beatles/Stones" combo. It reminds me of our discussions about which one was better. :-)
Then a Billy Joel song, My Life. "I don't need you to worry for me cause I'm all right...Ah, but sooner or later you sleep in your own space. Either way it's okay, you wake up with yourself..." I'd like to think I'm not supposed to take this whole song literally cause it keeps saying to "leave me alone". But there were a few phrases that made sense to me. I've been very sad lately about being alone, and it seems like Chuck is saying that everyone is in the same boat.
Tue Dec 9 2003 God Only Knows Woke up to Tom Petty, American Girl..."God it's so painful when something that's so close is still so far out of reach."
Then a lyric came to me loud and strong - "God only knows how I feel about you." Beach Boys. It does make me feel better to think that Chuck still tries to tell me how he feels.
Mon Dec 8 2003 Family Room Visit Chuck visited with me tonight as I was downstairs in the family room. This is very rare. He usually visits in the bedroom. I was eating my dinner in front of the tv and the Touch-IT acted like someone had touched it. Made the select sound and showed the top 10 games all by itself. Chuck did that one other time a few months ago, with Tommy in the room too. I was just starting to look thru a Ham equipment catalog. So I asked Chuck if he was getting a kick out of me looking at the ht's. I got upset then and told Chuck how much I missed him and loved him. Then I went into the computer room to look for some clippings I wanted to scan in for the Chuck CD. There are 3 monitors in the room. As I searched, each monitor creaked at me in turn. These monitors aren't on and in fact one is sitting on the floor unplugged. So Chuck has it totally down how to make those puppies talk! I found the envelope with all the sympathy cards, which was where the clippings were. I was very unhappy looking thru the cards. The Touch-IT made a selection by itself again. Probably Chuck didn't like to see me so unhappy. I thanked Chuck for hanging out with me.
Mon Dec 8 2003 Everything's Gonna Be Alright Kind of sappy Loggins and Messina song on the radio first thing. But Chuck would email me romantic songs, so it isn't out of character. :-)
"Even though we ain't got money, I'm so in love with you honey..."
"In the morning when I rise, bring a tear of joy to my eyes and tell me everything's gonna be alright."
I definitely like when Chuck tells me everything is going to be ok.
Sun Dec 7 2003 CDW Scan Scanning in stuff for my Chuck Xmas CD project. Was scanning in Chuck's CDW article and my monitor started creaking at me. I told Chuck that they did a good job on his article and asked if he liked it. Didn't really get an answer, but wasn't expecting one to that question. :-)
Sat Dec 6 2003 Ch ch ch ch Changes Bowie's Changes was on the radio when it went off. Chuck popped this song in my mind about a month ago, Nov 7. Still working thru all the changes. That's for sure.
Fri Dec 5 2003 Keep Us Together Woke up at 5 am with another happy song in my mind. Captain and Tennille, Love Will Keep Us Together. Made me smile. Sang this song to myself all morning. :-)
Thu Dec 4 2003 Don't Write Yourself Off Had an encouraging, happy song come to me when I first woke up this morning. Jimmy Eat World The Middle.
Hey, don't write yourself off yet...
Just try your best, try everything you can...
It just takes some time,
little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything (everything) will be just fine,
everything (everything) will be alright (alright).
I am very hard on myself. Chuck wants me to cut myself some slack, and it will all turn out ok.
Tue Dec 2 2003 Sandman I've been having trouble sleeping. Woke up at 3 am-ish and had a lyric phrase pop right into my mind. "I understand you've been running from the man who goes by the name of the sandman." Chuck sympathizing with me not sleeping?
Sun Nov 30 2003 Think For Yourself Kind of a nasty song came on this a.m. Was a Beatles song, Think For Yourself. "Think for yourself cause I won't be there with you." If you just look at the words I guess it maked sense. I have been looking at everything as "Chuck would have liked it done this way". Maybe Chuck is telling me it's ok if I do things my way.
Sat Nov 29 2003 Back To the Garden Had a 2 snooze morning. First a CSN song came on, "We've got to get ourselves back to the garden." Reminds me of the book I recently read "Garden of the Souls" where souls describe heaven as a garden.

Snooze! Next lyric from the radio was "Never met a girl who makes me feel the way that you do, You're all right." That was a sweet song to play. Before I hit the snooze I asked Chuck if I could have a Beatles song next.

Next song was the Beatles Polythene Pam/Bathroom Window. I thanked Chuck for the song and told him I loved him.

Wed Nov 26 2003 Sunshine Radio came on with Sunshine of Your Love - "I'm with you my love, it's the morning and just we two".
Mon Nov 24 2003 Dream and Drill Woke up about 3 am from a kind of gruesome dream. Don't think this was a visit cause in this dream Chuck actually helped me kill someone, and I had just watched the 13th Warrior. This man had Chuck and me trapped in a room and was fighting us with a sword. We had these staffs. Between the 2 of us we got this guy down on the floor and Chuck plunged his staff in the guy's heart. Not my typical Chuck dream! So, I think it is something brought on by watching that movie! Also, it didn't have the same feel as his visits. And Chuck never talked to there... ;-)

Then I put the tv on to go back to sleep. Fell asleep and my monitor creaked loudly and woke me up around 4 am. The tv was still on - it hadn't timed out yet - and a commercial for drill bits was on. I have recently bought a drill bit for a couple of home improvement type projects. Maybe Chuck is giving me encouragement that I can do it myself. I am a little hesitant about that stuff, even tho I do think I can do it. Maybe Chuck is giving me a nudge...not to blow off the projects?

Fri Nov 21 2003 Got Me This morning's song for me was the Kinks You Really Got Me. "See, don't ever set me free I always wanna be by your side". Feels like Chuck really wants to let me know he will be staying with me.
Thu Nov 20 2003 RC Car Was getting the pics of Chuck organized that Joe gave me. Was looking at the mpg of Chuck and his RC car. The monitor started creaking happily. I asked Chuck if he enjoyed seeing that clip. Told him I couldn't believe how skinny he was. The monitor gave one more little creak.
Thu Nov 20 2003 Follow You On the radio this a.m. was the Genesis song Follow You, Follow Me. It's a beautiful song. Makes me cry.
Wed Nov 19 2003 Simply Amazing I had a simply amazing, truly wonderful, magical morning. Chuck visited me 4 times. I truly feel loved.

Woke at 411 a.m. (time for info! ha!) from a dream that was so real I thought I was awake. Was lying in bed and felt that electric communication tingle in my arms so strongly it was like my arms were asleep. I realized what it was and was happy that Chuck was there. I smiled really wide and said Hi Chuck. Then my cell phone, which was on the bed, rang once. I started to pick it up, laughing. I felt my arms being lifted up by someone else, like I was going to hug someone. Like Chuck was putting my arms around him. Then a very computer sounding Chuck voice came from the phone and said "Let go." I was laughing and let the phone drop and said "Yes sir!" The tingle was still quite strong so I relaxed and told Chuck over and over that I loved him and then that I missed him. The tingle slowly faded and I woke up with my arms still faintly tingling. The only reasons I know that this was a dream was that my phone didn't ring with my ring tone, and that my phone was actually in my purse at the time, not on the bed! Other than that I couldn't tell it wasn't real - I was lying in the exact position in the dream as when I woke - blankets tangled the same, wearing the same clothes. I even had the same smile on my face. One thing in the dream made me really think. Was Chuck telling me to literally let go of the phone, or was he telling me to let go of something else? If he was telling me to let go of him, that makes me very sad. But he could also be saying to let go and live it up more or to let go of my fears. I'll have to see if he gives me any more specific clues about what he's suggesting.

About an hour later I woke up again from another dream. This time I knew I was dreaming. I was in my bathroom washing out a glass in the sink. Chuck was puttering around with something at the other sink. Then there were 3 stuffed animals in my sink. They were puppies. And one came to life. I was picking it up and it was making little puppy sounds. I told Chuck that I knew this time I was dreaming because the puppy came to life and started to talk to me. Chuck made a few quiet shhh shhh sounds, and took my hand, so I put down the puppy. He led me, but I was in front of him, to the bed. I lay down on my left side and he lay down behind me and gave me a wonderful body snuggle - I felt a feeling of warm comfort. I knew it was a dream and I kept thanking Chuck for hugging me and telling him it was a wonderful feeling. I felt him gradually fade away and I woke up. Again I was in the exact position I was in bed in my dream. I thanked Chuck for visiting me. Told him it was a wonderful visit. Made me feel very comforted. After this 2nd dream I don't think Chuck was telling me to "let go" of him particularly. Maybe he came back again because he knew that part of his first visit upset me. I feel so lucky to have him visit me twice in a row like that. Then right after I was fully awake my monitor creaked once softly.

Again, about an hour later I woke up from a third dream. I came outside of a building and saw Chuck standing in the street. He looked like he did when I first met him. I ran over to him and launched myself at him, hugging him tight. We were both laughing and Chuck tipped over onto the street. I laughed and said we'd better get out of the street. That would be great - you come for a visit and get us run over. So he laughed and rolled over so he was on top of me and said, is that better? I said, well we're a little more out of the way! We kind of shimmied onto the sidewalk, but we never stopped hugging each other. We kept laughing and hugging as tightly as we could. I told Chuck I loved him and missed him. Chuck said to hold on tight. If we just stay like this it can be like he was alive again and we could be together. I said I can't wait until we are together again. He said really? I said Yes!!! He started to say "Well that won't be..." and stopped and smiled. I laughed and said "You almost told me something you weren't supposed to, didn't you!!?" He grinned back and then had to leave. He got in a cab and left. I really remember the quality of his voice in this dream. It was soft and gentle and sincere. I feel truly blessed to have had 3 visits from Chuck - each one I felt closer and closer to him.

Each dream Chuck was more real. The first was just his spirit, I didn't see him. The second, he was there, but always behind me, I never looked at him directly, and he didn't speak. The third was like we were just having a real face to face visit. I wonder if the more time he spends closer to our existence, the easier it is for him to communicate. I have read that it's easier for a soul to communicate right after they pass because they are still closely tied to our world. And as time goes on and they become more grounded in the other side, it's harder for them to get thru to us. So maybe it makes sense that as he spent more time here, it was easier for him to connect with me. :-)

I woke up a few minutes before the alarm and was just thinking about Chuck's visits. Then my cell phone started doing the thup thup in my purse. It did it probably six times. I smiled and said hi to Chuck again. I said I was so happy we got to spend so much time together this morning.

I have felt truly renewed today. My spirit has gotten a much needed lift. I have had any doubts about how Chuck feels put to rest.

Tue Nov 18 2003 No Matter What Woke up with a Beatles song on my mind, In My Life. "In my life I love you more." Made me cry. I love that song. Alarm time, and was the end of a goofy live version of Rhiannon, Fleetwood Mac. Then Badfinger's No Matter What. "No matter what you are, I will always be with you." Chuck is being very sweet and supportive.
Sat Nov 15 2003 Sun Sun Sun Beatles, Here Comes the Sun was on my radio this a.m. Chuck telling me everything will be all right. Was comforting to hear.
Fri Nov 14 2003 The One Where... Flipping thru channels and had the strong desire to watch Friends. It turned out to be the one where Rachel moves out. Monica walks into her now empty room and gets very sad. It hit me that I will be having that same scene soon. Tommy is moving out at the end of the month. I will be walking into his empty room too. Seems like Chuck is trying to prepare me so it won't be such a shock.
Fri Nov 14 2003 Really Want to See You Before I went to bed I had asked Chuck if he missed me. Lyrics popped into my head first thing - "We gotta get out of this place, if it's the last thing we ever do... Girl there's a better life for me and you." Then my radio went off. First thing I heard was Mr. Tambourine Man - "In the jingle jangle morning I'll come following you." Then was a wonderful George Harrison song My Sweet Lord. "I really want to see you Lord, but it takes so long my Lord." Made me feel that Chuck does miss me and wants to be with me.
Mon Nov 10 2003 Calling All Angels Had a lyric in my mind when I woke this morning. "I don't give up, you don't give up...calling all you angels." Chuck definitely telling me to hang in there, and he will too!
Sun Nov 9 2003 Stink Eye On King of the Hill, Bobby was mad at Hank and Hank told him "Don't give me the stink eye." Chuck used to say that all the time. Now if I hear someone giving the "crook eye" I will know for sure Chuck is behind that! Chuck, Tommy and I made that one up. :-)
Sun Nov 9 2003 Should Have Known Last night before I fell asleep I asked Chuck if he was proud of me. This morning a really sweet Beatles song came on, I Should Have Known Better.
"I should have known better with a girl like you, that I would love everything that you do; and I do, hey, hey, hey, and I do." That made me so happy.
Fri Nov 7 2003 Changes Woke up before the alarm with Bowie's Changes in my mind.
(Turn and face the strain)
Don't want to be a richer man
(Turn and face the strain)
Just gonna have to be a different man
Time may change me
But I can't trace time
Definitely have to face all the changes happening to me. Going thru another period of lots of change. Big change at work with Touch-IT going away, big change at home with Tommy going away.

Alarm went off and it was Paul - It's Just Another Day.
So sad, so sad
Sometimes she feels so sad
Alone in her apartment she'd dwell
Till the man of her dreams come to break the spell
Well, I certainly hope I don't wind up like this. I am sad lately, but I'm still trying to do stuff.

Then was Jefferson Airplane, Somebody to Love. This one seems to be recurring. Chuck nudging me to try again? Combined with Pauls' song right before, maybe he's telling me to get out there.

Thu Nov 6 2003 Fade Away Woke up with a lyric in my mind - "She talks to angels". Well, I only talk to one! :-)
Then the radio told me "I don't want to fade away". This hit me pretty hard. I don't think Chuck wants to feel forgotten. I talk to him all the time, but I haven't felt much like working on his site, or on Zlurp lately. Or even e-mailing people. So I kind of got re-inspired to do these things. I don't want Chuck to fade away in other people's memories. As I was thinking about this, the next song came on TRex - "You're dirty, sweet and you're my girl!" Heh. I'll take that as a compliment. ;-)
Wed Nov 5 2003 Just A Phase My tv creaked very loudly and woke me up before my alarm went off. I told Chuck that I was sad that he wasn't contacting me the way he used to. Fell back to sleep for about 15 min and the radio went on. Came on with the line "it's just a silly phase I'm going thru". That made me feel a bit better. Chuck isn't ignoring me. Maybe he's busy! I've read that souls have a lot to do on the other side.
Tue Nov 4 2003 Mad Love Doors song this morning, Love Her Madly. Chuck sends this one to me every once in a while. This time the line about "want to be her Daddy" jumped out and made me laugh. Like Chuck was still teasing about the "who's your daddy" phrase from last Friday.
Mon Nov 3 2003 Walk a Mile Had a full set of songs from the radio this morning. First was the Joe Cocker song that really made me believe Chuck is sending me messages thru these morning songs - My Baby Wrote Me a Letter. Came on at the last verse:
Well, she wrote me a letter
Said she couldn't live without me no more
Listen mister, can't you see I got to get back
To my baby once-a more
I have been telling Chuck that I don't like being here without him, so maybe he's telling me that he will be around me more.

Then there was a Monkees song - I'm Not Your Stepping Stone. This isn't a snuggly song, so I'm hoping it's just a Monkees song and I'm not supposed to consider the content! ;-)

Last was a Led Zeppelin song, Over the Hills and Far Away. It has a line about "walk with me a while". Right after I heard that I remembered I had a dream that I was walking and walking a long way, and it didn't hurt. I've had a few dreams/visions about my leg being better. I'm sure Chuck is giving me encouragement. :-)

Fri Oct 31 2003 Who's Your Daddy This morning a fun Zombies song came on, Time of the Season. One line really made me laugh. The song actually asks
"Who's your daddy?"
Hahaha! Chuck would say that to everyone after he saved their butts in one way or another. He'd say it to me too every once in a while. I'd always say "You are!" He got a big kick out if it.
Wed Oct 29 2003 Spirit in the Sky I heard a song I've heard several times before, Spirit in the Sky. I think Chuck wants to reassure me that he is in a better place. I know that he was a true believer in heaven. I believe too, but it's always nice to have support in your beliefs. "When I die and they lay me to rest, I'll go to the place that's the best."

Then was the Fleetwood Mac song, You Can Go Your Own Way.
"If I could
Baby I'd give you my world
Open up
Everything's waiting for you"
Sounds like Chuck is telling me that heaven will be great. I'm very much looking forward to seeing Chuck again in heaven. :-)

Wed Oct 29 2003 Bent Leg It was about 3 am. I woke up for some reason and was trying to get back to sleep. Whenever this happens I try to relax and talk to Chuck. I figure if I'm extra sleepy, maybe I can communicate with him more easily. This time I had a vision of my leg bending all the way, like it's supposed to. It wasn't a dream, it was very much like the time a while back when Chuck showed me his foot. It was like I was looking at a hand held camera, a little shaky, and sepia-toned. It wasn't black and white or color. I felt amazed and happy that I could bend my leg all the way. I felt someone reassuring me that it could happen again. Maybe Chuck was telling me not to give up. That some day I will get back to somewhat like I was before.
Tue Oct 28 2003 Dark Star A CSN song, Dark Star came on the radio first thing to wake me up. One line really hit me
"Dark star, I see you in the morning,
Dark star, sleeping next to me,
Dark star, let the memory of the evening be the first thing that you think of
when you open up your smile and see me Dark Star."
I would tell Chuck every now and then (either when we were going to bed, or just waking up) that my favorite time of the day was going to sleep next to him, and my second favorite time of the day was waking up next to him. I would think this to myself almost every night. I was so happy to snuggle up next to him to sleep and wake up next to him every morning.
Mon Oct 27 2003 If I Needed Someone Beautiful Beatles song was on this morning. If I Needed Someone.
"If I needed someone to love
You're the one that I'd be thinking of
If I needed someone
If I had some more time to spend
That I guess I'd be with you my friend
If I needed someone"
Sun Oct 26 2003 Scary Movie 3 Went to see Scary Movie 3 with Mike and Baki. Well, we saw Kill Bill first. Chuck would have loved it. He was a huge Tarantino fan. When I was watching SM3 one line just leapt out and hit me like a physical blow. Chuck would goof around when someone would tell him no about something, he would say "Oh, it's because I'm black". One of the main guys is a white guy who wants to be a rapper, take off of Eminem. At one point he says the exact line - "It's because I'm black". I could hardly breathe for a minute after I heard that.
Sun Oct 26 2003 Candle Comfort I was in Target shopping, looking at candles. Chuck loved candles. We would always look over the candles wherever we were shopping. We would smell them all and discuss which ones smelled the best and had the best colors. Chuck liked to light all the candles all at once at home every once in a while. He'd sit back and take big breaths, smelling them. I got overwhelmed that afternoon, and was trying not to cry in Target. I had a song suddenly come to me. It wasn't one I was that familiar with, so unfortunately I don't remember what it was by now! But I do remember it was about Chuck saying he would always be there for me. I had a nice feeling of comfort flood over me, and the assurance that Chuck was there for me. I felt much better.
Sat Oct 25 2003 Should Have Run Radio came on this a.m. with a cute Beatles tune - When I'm 64.

Then a meaningful song, Moody Blues, Ride My See Saw.
"I worked like a slave for years,
Sweat so hard just to end my fears.
Not to end my life a poor man,
But by now, I know I should have run."
Chuck has sent this one to me before. I think he wants to remind me to not be the workaholic I was. Believe me, I've done a 180 on that. People just assume I'm working those same insane hours I used to. I can't do that any more. I don't see the point in it.

Then in the bathroom I had a sweet lyric pop into my mind - "You're the one that I want". I really want to get that special DVD of Grease that's come out. Chuck would have really enjoyed watching that together with me. :-)

Fri Oct 24 2003 Phone Home I was waiting for Brian to pick me up to go to that Halloween party that Diana was giving. Sitting on the stairs in my costume with my purse on the landing. Just looking out the front door spacing out. My phone started doing the thup thup thup. I looked at my purse and said hi to Chuck. It thupped a few times. I laughed and asked Chuck if he liked my costume. Phone went crazy. I laughed again and said I guess you like it then. I asked him if he thought Brian would think it was funny. Phone thupped a few times. Then I asked if he would come to the party and see what everyone else looked like. Phone was quiet, so I said, ok, you certainly don't have to go! Then I told him I loved him and the phone thupped 2 times back at me.
Fri Oct 24 2003 I Am Yours, You Are Mine Chuck poured his heart out to me thru CSN. This isn't the first time he's sent this song, Suite: Judy Blue Eyes. It's very powerful. "Remember what we've said and done and felt about each other." "I am yours, you are mine, you are what you are." This time, however, it had specific meaning. There's a line "Friday evening, Sunday in the afternoon. What have you got to lose?" Tonight, Friday night, I said I'd go to a Halloween party. Sunday afternoon I said I would go to the movies with the guys. I haven't felt much like socializing yet. It's still an effort. And while I said I'd do these things, I have felt like cancelling. Chuck told me to go for it. What have I got to lose?! So I will go ahead and go do these things. :-)

Then another meaninful song came on, Ready For Love.
Now I'm on my feet again
better things are bound to happen
all my dues surely must be paid.
Many miles and many tears, times were hard
but now they're changing
you should know that I'm not afraid.
I've certainly paid a lot of dues and gone thru a lot of changes...

Thu Oct 23 2003 Baby I Love Your Way Awesome Frampton song this morning, Baby I Love Your Way. Made me feel cared about. :-)
Wed Oct 22 2003 Peace of Mind This morning Chuck treated me to a Beatles song, Get Back. Then a song he's played for me before with the lyric "I feel fine, I'm talking bout peace of mind..." That's what jumped out at me from that song. And while I was getting ready in the bathroom I had a lyric pop inot my head - "We're on the road to nowhere." I think Chuck is telling me he's doing ok. And maybe I need to look at how things are going for myself. I've been feeling lately like I'm spinning my wheels. Sounds like Chuck agrees. I need to get back to my true self, get back to things that make me happy.
Tue Oct 21 2003 Warning or Worry? Song that gets me every time came on right at the very last line. John Lennon, Woman. "I love you, yeah yeah, now and forever." Made me cry. Then a song came on that I wasn't sure about...Bad Moon Rising. It's all about a warning not to go out, that something bad will happen. I thought about why Chuck would play this for me, and I think I understand it. I had been asking him about why he was so against me doing that online dating thing. He really does not want me to do that. I had asked him if he thought something bad would happen. So it seems he is trying to warn me. When I figured it out, I asked Chuck if he knew that something bad would come of it, that he saw something, or was he just worried about it. I haven't gotten an answer on that yet.
Mon Oct 20 2003 Butterflies, Love and Lonliness Had a set of lyrics flying at me this morning. Dog and Butterfly said "We're getting older, the world's getting colder, For the life of me I don't know the reason why." Very introspective.
Then was the Doors, Don't You Love Her Madly. I sure hope Chuck still loves me madly. :-)
Last was the Bee Gees Lonely Days - "Where would I be without my woman".
Kind of a wistful morning.
Sun Oct 19 2003 You Better Run Today's song came on at a sweet lyric:
I love you girl - love you so
Cant you see? Don't you know?
Looked up the rest online, and it's not so nice! You Better Run. So I hope Chuck just wanted me to pay attention to the nice part!
Sat Oct 18 2003 Sleepy Phone I had a long conversation with Chuck via my phone this evening. I was really tired and fell asleep very early, in my clothes, while watching tv. About 10:30pm or so my phone started doing the thup thup like crazy and woke me up. I said hi to Chuck and the phone thupped back. So I started asking him questions, like did he still miss me, and was he doing ok. When he felt strongly about something, the phone would go nuts. If not, it was quiet. He was even anticipating some of my questions, and would make the phone go before I finished asking my question. It was wild. I was smiling by the end. It was a lot of fun. I fell back asleep. Then the phone woke me up again at about midnight. I asked Chuck if he woke me up because I was still in my clothes, didn't get ready for bed. The phone said "yes". I dragged myself out of bed, smiling, and thanked Chuck for looking out for me.
Fri Oct 17 2003 She's The One Nice and mushy song on the radio this morning. Bruce Springsteen, She's the One. :-)
Tue Oct 14 2003 L.A. Goodbye Heard a song this morning that I never heard before. LA Goodbye by Ides of March. Now what I usually do since I'm all sleepy when that alarm goes off is to write down the title of the song and then look it up online later to get the lyrics I heard. Especially when I'm not familiar with the song. Well, this one is so obscure that I can't find the lyrics! Rats! I remember I really liked it though. D'oh! There was something about being born on the west side of Chicago, which I believe Chuck was. Things like this really make me believe that Chuck has something to do with much of what I hear when that alarm goes off in the morning. Some totally rare song that mentions where he was born comes on right at that point in the lyrics at some arbitrary time that I set my alarm.
Mon Oct 13 2003 All Of My Love Monitor woke me up again this morning. I kind of like when Chuck does that. Then I know for sure it's him and he's there with me. I talked to him a bit. Told him that I'm sorry it's harder for me to communicate than it used to be. When I was much worse it was very easy to make contact with Chuck. I could totally feel his presence. Now, as I get better, stronger, there's more resistance to a connection. Guess my mind is whirling around more than when I was worse off. I bet if I practice I could get back to that relaxed state of mind! The radio came on with "All of my love, all of my love, all of my love to you." Made me feel that Chuck could hear me even if I couldn't get any immediate feedback from him.
Sun Oct 12 2003 I Just Want To Stop I woke up early and tried to really communicate with Chuck. I asked him how he was doing. Relaxed and cleared my mind. Then a song lyric popped into my mind - "I just want to stop and tell you how I feel about you babe."
Sat Oct 11 2003 Baby I'll Be There First my monitor woke me up at 6:30 am. I asked Chuck if he got to meet people like John and George or JFK. Fell back asleep. Woke up before the alarm and had a lyric pop into my head - "Baby I'll be there to take your hand, baby I'll be there to share the land." I had asked Chuck again at some point if he would wait for me, so I guess he's telling me he still will. Then the alarm went off and I heard "No one knows what it's like to be the bad man, to be the sad man, behind blue eyes." After that was Tin Man by America - "So please believe in me." Sounds like Chuck is unhappy this morning. Maybe he misses us still as much as we miss him.
Thu Oct 9 2003 Hold Your Head Up Chuck giving me another pep talk. End of the song was on the radio, over and over "Hold your head up, yeah, hold your head up, yeah, hold your head up, yeah, hold your head high." I'm sure this was to help me deal with our project being cancelled.
Sun Oct 5 2003 Top 10 Tommy was cooking his dinner and I was walking towards the family room sofa with a bag of popcorn. I walked past my Touch-IT, which is next to the sofa. I had just sat down and I heard the sound of a category being picked on the Touch-IT. If you touch anywhere on the screen it will act like you hit the Top 10 category and bring on those games. I asked Tommy if he heard that, and he said he did. I told him to say hi to Chuck, then I said hi to him and smiled at the Touch-IT. That's the first time I can remember Chuck making his presence known to more than just me!
Sun Oct 5 2003 Silly Stuff Had a very silly song lyric pop into my mind while I was in the bathroom. Made me laugh. Neil Sedaka - Calendar Girl!
I love, I love, I love my calendar girl
Yeah, sweet calendar girl
I love, I love, I love my calendar girl
Each and every day of the year
Chuck can be very silly! :-)
Fri Oct 3 2003 Woman The radio came on this morning at the end of the John Lennon song, Woman.
Woman, please let me explain, I never meant to cause you sorrow or pain,
Let me tell you again and again and again,
I love you, yeah yeah, now and forever,
I love you, yeah yeah, now and forever.
This meant so much to me. I still miss Chuck as much as if that accident happened yesterday. Since I heard this, I've replayed this in my mind when I've felt sad about Touch-IT and it helps.
Thu Oct 2 2003 Touch-IT RIP Chuck's and my project Touch-IT was cancelled today. I was obviously quite upset. Was sitting sadly in my office kind of wondering what to do next. I have a test Touch-IT on a side table. Right now it had the component tray pulled out of the box waiting for a new hard drive. It started creaking loudly at me. I looked over and assumed Chuck was there. I didn't even know what to say to him, I was so sad. I'm sure he was telling me he was with me. I don't know if he can feel sad about what happened, or if he was affected mainly because I was so upset. Later on that day I was going to some site - think it was to check stock prices - and I typed www.f - and the browser filled in I know it does that for the last site you went to that fits what you typed, but I hadn't been to my Chuck site on my work computer for a while. Again, Chuck was telling me he was there for me.
Wed Oct 1 2003 Bedroom Hangout My monitor creaked so loudly it woke me up at 5:30am. I said hi to Chuck and that I loved and missed him. I fell back asleep and had a really loooong rambling dream. Chuck was in and out of it. I can only remember 2 parts with Chuck clearly. :-( Was in my room, but it wasn't my room. Was a huuuge bed and Chuck was flopped on it with his clothes on. His Point t-shirt and jeans. I flopped down on it and we were laughing and talking. Then Ellen and Donna were suddenly there. They got onto the bed too and the three of us were chatting. Chuck looked a little horrified, and I said "What's your problem? You're in bed with 3 women!" He kind of laughed and got under the covers to sleep. Me, Ellen and Donna did too. We were all in different directions on the bed - everyone's head was on a different edge, so no one was sleeping next to anyone. I don't think we actually got to sleep and Chuck jumps out of bed and walks across the room. I said "What happened to your underwear?" cause he was naked and loving it. Ellen and Donna were looking down and away and going ooh, geez, little comments. I said "I knew you had underwear on when you got into this bed!" I fished under the covers and found them and tossed them to him to put on. He put them on grinning, having a good time. They were white, which Chuck wouldn't have liked in reality, but he didn't seem to care. I did take a peek to see if he was still pierced and he wasn't. I wonder if that's a personal choice in heaven - if you stay pierced or tattooed.

Then later in the dream Chuck looked much younger, really long hair, scruffy beard, skinnier, like 1996ish. Again we were in the bedroom. A bunch of people were milling around but this time no one could see him but me. I think there was a party going on. I was telling people that Chuck was there but they were saying uh huh, yeah, sure. So I asked him to do something to show them. He was grinning and lit 2 matches and shook them out. Smoke from them was wafting around. Ellen said she saw him light the matches and everyone could see the smoke. I was happy I had someone else see him.

Tue Sep 30 2003 Eye Again Heard The Eye In The Sky by Alan Parsons Project this a.m. "I am the eye in the sky looking at you, I can read your mind." Makes me feel good that Chuck is keeping an eye on me. A while ago Chuck sent me this song too.
Mon Sep 29 2003 Keep On Creakin' My monitor was creaking away when I worked on Zlurp tonight. I was wrapping up what I wanted to get done for a beta version, and I KNOW Chuck would be really happy about that. Zlurp was our baby. We were both very proud of it.

Later I was watching tv and dozed off. My monitor creaked a bunch of times really loudly. It woke me up. I smiled over at the corner and told Chuck all about what was going on lately. He probably knows already, but I wanted to tell him anyway. Then I felt that "communication tingle" I've felt before. I was really happy. I knew then that Chuck was there for sure. I was awake, so I didn't really expect to see him at all, but at least I felt his presence.

Mon Sep 29 2003 Nikon Camera First phrase that jumped out at me this morning was from Paul Simon's Kodachrome..."I got a Nikon camera, I love to take those photographs." Chuck gave me a Nikon camera for Christmas 2000. I took a boatload of pics with it. Haven't felt like taking pics any more.

After hitting the snooze, a Chicago song came on at
"It's just that the thought of us so happy
Appears in my mind, as a beautifully mysterious thing"
Questions 67 & 68.

Fri Sep 26 2003 More Smilin' A Paul song was on when the alarm let loose. It was Rock Show. I don't think the song itself meant anything, just that it was Paul! :-)
I hit the snooze...Then the very end of a Blind Faith song - "Can't find my way home...Can't find my way home..." Over and over. One more snooze...
Last was that amazing Wet Willie song, Keep On Smilin'. Chuck telling me again to hang in there. I have needed some cheering up lately. I will say that remembering the hug vision Chuck gave me Sept. 21 has helped a lot.
Thu Sep 25 2003 Southern Cross I woke up early before the alarm went off. Tried to go back to sleep. Had a brief encounter with Chuck. I knew I wasn't asleep yet, so it wasn't a dream. I saw him trying to come to me. He was struggling to make a connection with me, but it was very difficult. It looked like he was behind many shifting layers of something, with a blue-gray tint. I tried to help cause I knew I probably wasn't in the best receptive state of mind at that point. I tried to relax as much as possible to make our connection easier. But it just wasn't working. Chuck remained very indistinct and I could just get a vague sense of what he was feeling, not clear and close like I usually feel. I finally woke all the way up, and eventually went back to sleep.

Radio came on at the end of CSN Southern Cross.
Think about how many times I have fallen
Spirits are using me, larger voices callin'.
What heaven brought you and me cannot be forgotten.

Wed Sep 24 2003 Some Kind Of This morning's songs made me smile. Some Kind Of Wonderful was first. What a sweet song. Made me feel Chuck thought I was special. Hit the snooze...Then Mrs. Robinson came on:
And here's to you, Mrs. Robinson
Jesus loves you more than you will know (Wo, wo, wo)
God bless you please, Mrs. Robinson
Heaven holds a place for those who pray
(Hey, hey, hey...hey, hey, hey)
Chuck would tease me every once in a while about being Mrs. Robinson. I was a bit older than him. :-)
Tue Sep 23 2003 You Don't Know Lyric thought popped into my mind in the shower...sappy Bee Gees! "You don't know what it's like, you don't know what it's like, to love somebody, to love somebody, the way I love you."
Mon Sep 22 2003 What Is Life Wonderful George Harrison song again, What Is Life. Somehow I think Chuck sees this as our song now. George Harrison is a strong connection between us. We were in bed the morning I found out George had passed. He stayed with me for hours watching the MTV coverage about George's life. It was a rare time that he shared something that meant so much to me. He really got it - how much this affected me.
Sun Sep 21 2003 Everlasting Hug Had a short dream. Chuck was hugging me really tightly. I would look up at him and he'd look down at me and we'd both smile and hug eachother tighter. Seemed like we hugged a long time. He was wearing his favorite Luxor t-shirt, had a bushy beard, looked like he did at the end. He was glowing warmly, with a warm light, like a light of love. I was so happy. Felt very warm and loved.
Sat Sep 20 2003 Time Is On My Side Radio gave me some kind of sad songs this morning. Stones, Time Is On My Side. "You were saying that you want to be free, but you'll come running back to me." Then I'm Losing You, by Rod Stewart. That one really made me unhappy. Chuck thinks I don't feel the same way about him anymore? Maybe he's trying to work out his feelings if I meet someone? I certainly am not going out of my way, looking to meet anyone. I'm having a hard enough time taking things one day at a time still. I suppose it may happen some day, but Chuck seems upset about it now. But at the same time he seems confident that I will always be his. I'm sure things will be very different when I am with him again. We certainly can't have a normal relationship at this point, now can we!
Thu Sep 18 2003 I.T. Hicks Chat All evening my monitor and phone kept making noises off and on. Creak creak, thup thup. Felt like Chuck was really trying to let me know he was there. I talked to him off and on. Invited him to go to John's FOC party Saturday. Told him everyone missed him a lot. Told him how much I loved and missed him too. Then right after I fell asleep I had a really nice dream. We were in the I.T. Hicks building. The little hallway in front of the bathrooms. There was a little bench there and Chuck was sitting on it. He motioned me over and was smiling at me. He looked like he did in 1998 - short hair and wearing a polo shirt. I sat down next to him on the bench and briefly thought "is anyone going to see me sitting by him so closely?" Then I remembered that Chuck wasn't really there, he wasn't alive, and I was sad. We smiled at eachother and this time Chuck was asking me questions. He asked how I was doing and I said kind of sadly, ok. Then he told me that he thought about me all the time and he missed me. Then he reached out and was rubbing my shoulder. His face got contorted like it was taking a tremendous effort for him to make physical contact. Then he said he thought he was going to throw up. I said take it easy, it's ok. He stopped and asked me if i loved him. I said "Yes, with all my heart", and he said "Good." Then I woke up. As I wrote this down, my monitor gave one loud creak.
Wed Sep 17 2003 Why Did Chuck Cross the Road? Woke up at 5:30 and tried to go back to sleep. Had a not-quite dream. A snippet. Chuck was dressed in a black Harley t-shirt and jean shorts and wearing boondockers. (work boots for those who don't know what those are! ;-) His hair was shorter, no beard and he was thinner. Like he was in 1999. He was standing at the edge of the street in a suburban neighborhood. He looked back over his shoulder at me and then ran across the street.He jumped up onto the sidewalk, turned and looked at me again. I laughed and yelled out "Why did Chuck cross the road?" But he looked very serious and turned away from me. Then I woke up slightly and he was gone. I wonder what he was saying to me here. I thought maybe I'm at a crossroad, but he wasn't at an intersection. It didn't look like he wanted me to follow him. So I am clueless.

The alarm went off and the radio was playing a very meaningful (to me!) song. Moody Blues, Question.
"I'm looking for someone to change my life,
I'm looking for a miracle in my life
And if you could see what it's done to me,
To lose the love I knew
Could safely lead me through.
Between the silence of the mountains,
And the crashing of the sea,
There lies a land I once lived in,
And she's waiting there for me,
But in the grey of the morning,
My mind becomes confused,
Between the dead and the sleeping,
And the road that I must choose."

Tue Sep 16 2003 Celebrate First song this morning was the very end of Free Ride - "Come on and take a free ride, yeah, yeah, yeah..." Chuck has played this for me several times before, but I don't know what he's trying to say. Hit the snooze...Song on next was uplifting. "I just want to celebrate another day of living. I just want to celebrate another day of life. Don't let it all get you down, Don't let it turn you around and around." Chuck giving me another little pep talk?
Mon Sep 15 2003 Watching the Wheels Radio played Watching the Wheels by John Lennon. "People asking questions, lost in confusion. I tell them there's no answers, only solutions." Sounds like me always trying to ask Chuck questions and him hinting that he can't answer them. I think Chuck is saying that he let go of the rat race. Kicking back, watching, relaxing.
Sun Sep 14 2003 Worked Like A Slave First thing I heard on the radio this morning was the end of a Door's song, "Don't you love her madly" over and over and over. Then I did the snooze thing.

Came on next in the middle of a Moody Blues song, Ride.
"I worked like a slave for years,
Sweat so hard just to end my fears.
Not to end my life a poor man,
But by now, I know I should have run."
Chuck commenting that he shouldn't have been the workaholic that he was. We had just come to that realization right at the end of his life. We had left every night from work the week before at 6:30pm, which was so majorly unheard of for us. And we really enjoyed it. You know that's one of the things that gets me the most. We were just on the verge of making some very good-for-us changes in our lifestyle. But we didn't get the chance to enjoy it.

After one more snooze I heard "I always thought that I'd see you one more time again." Fire and Rain by James Taylor.

Sat Sep 13 2003 Phone Home Turned off my alarm this morning and was reading in bed. My phone in my purse started going "thup...thup..." again. I looked over at my purse and it went nuts. "Thup thup thup" a bunch of times really quickly. I got sad, sat up and held my arms out to Chuck, since I figured he was by my purse. I sat there a moment and my phone gave one last quiet little thup. Then I smiled and told Chuck that I got the hint - I should get out of bed and try to not be so sad. Took my phone out of my purse and tried again to make that thup sound. Once again I couldn't make that sound - it was on keylock. Went into the bathroom and a lyric popped into my mind, "Love is the answer, and you know that for sure." John Lennon.
Fri Sep 12 2003 Pep Talk Chuck gave me an out and out pep talk this morning. First he told me he knew how I was feeling, then he told me to buck up...
Radio clicked on in the middle of Cream's Badge. "You better pick yourself up from the ground...Talkin' 'bout a girl that looks quite like you...She cried away her life..."

Then came Paul's Band on the Run. "Stuck inside these 4 walls...Never seeing no one nice again, like you..." Then I hit the snooze.

I had a short vision of Chuck. I wasn't fully asleep, so I don't think it was a dream. Saw him walking down a long hall towards me. He was wearing his blue Harley t-shirt, like in the I.T. Hicks hallway pics from 2000. He was clowning around, "jive" walking. Swinging his arms and pointing like a gansta. Smiling and going "Mmmm....mmmm....mmmm." Like Jay, from Jay and Silent Bob. He got close to me and was about to say "Get down with your bad self!" But I woke up slightly and he was gone. I felt so disappointed.

Radio on, and was Fleetwood Mac, Don't Stop Thinking About Tomorrow. Then was the Kink's All Day and All Night.
"I believe that you and me last forever
Oh yea, all day and nighttime yours, leave me never
The only time I feel alright is by your side
Girl I want to be with you all of the time"

I've been quite depressed lately. Spending a great deal of time in my room. (stuck inside these 4 walls!) Chuck is encouraging me to look ahead, and that he still wants to be with me very much. This morning made me feel very close to him.

Thu Sep 11 2003 None For You! Had a conversation with my monitor this evening. ;-)
Monitor was creaking so I said hi to Chuck. Tried to ask him questions. Said maybe you could do one creak for no, two creaks for yes. Then I laughed. I asked if he could tell me about how he was doing, and the monitor creaked loudly once. I tried asking some other questions and all was quiet. Then I asked if he was allowed to answer my questions. The monitor gave one soft, sad sounding creak. I don't think Chuck is supposed to tell too much about what is going on in his world.
Wed Sep 10 2003 No Sugar More Guess Who this morning. "No sugar tonight in my coffee. No sugar tonight in my tea. No sugar to stand beside me. No sugar to run with me." Chuck seems sad.

While in the shower I sang him a sappy Barry Manilow song
"You know I can't smile without you, I can't smile without you
I can't laugh and I can't sing, I'm findin' it hard to do anything
You see I feel sad when you're sad, I feel glad when you're glad
If you only knew what I'm goin' through, I just can't smile without you."
Wanted to let him know I still want and need him.

Tue Sep 9 2003 Happy Zlurp Evening Had a great night working on Zlurp. Got it to work on XP for the first time. The first time it ripped successfully, my monitor started creaking away. I told Chuck I was really happy too. The rest of the time I was working my monitor would give a soft creak now and then, like a happy little comment. Then I sent out an e-mail to some people telling them about the breakthru, and as I wrote it (on my Mac) my PC monitor creaked away loudly, like Chuck was really happy.
Tue Sep 9 2003 Share The Land Chuck told me he would be there for me with the Guess Who's Share the Land. The very end of the song came on as the radio went off. Singer is saying sweet things.
"You know I'll be standin' by to help you if you're worried.
No more sadness, no more sorrow, and no more bad times.
Every day comin' sunshine, every day everybody laughin'.
Everybody happy together, I'll be there, don't worry, if you're needin' me.
Call on me, call on me, call my name, I'll be runnin' to help you."
I find this comforting.
Mon Sep 8 2003 We All Shine On Wondered if Chuck would tell me if he was at Gameworks yesterday with us. Joe Cocker was singing "Feeling alright. Not feeling too good myself." Sounded to me like Chuck was sad about not being able to be physically with us. I hit the snooze...Next song was "Groovin' on a Sunday afternoon." Which is exactly what we did! Wasn't ready to get out of bed, so I hit the snooze one more time...Then was one of my favorite John Lennon songs...Instant Karma. "Well we all shine on, like the moon and the stars and the sun." I've always thought it was inspiring. Tells you to get over yourself and get real. Has one of my favorite lines of all time - "Why in the world are we here? Surely not to live in pain and fear."
Sun Sep 7 2003 Got To Get You Into My Life Beatles song, Got To Get You Into My Life, was my treat for this morning's radio message. That one means a lot to me. Makes me feel Chuck still cares. Right after the song ended my monitor creaked a bunch of times. Chuck emphasizing to me how he feels about that song? I smiled and talked to the monitor. I felt close to Chuck this morning. I invited him to come to Gameworks again. Told him everyone would be really happy if he was there.
Sat Sep 6 2003 Palm Play Doing my before bed exercises, sitting on the floor. My cell phone was in my purse about 3 feet away. I hear it making a strange sound. "Thup.....thup..thup, thup, thup...thup!" A bunch of times. So I had to investigate! Took out the phone, and it was still in keylock mode. I couldn't reproduce the sound. Flipped it open and hit a palm category, and "thup!" That was the sound! There's no way that phone could have made that sound sitting in my purse by itself. It had to be Chuck playing with it to get my attention, or as a joke. I now recall that it did the same thing maybe a month ago, and I was really puzzled. So I laughed and smiled and told Chuck he was funny. Talked to him a little about how much I miss him, how much everyone misses him, and invited him to the Gameworks get-together.
Sat Sep 6 2003 I Want You, You Want I First song I heard on the radio this morning was a Steely Dan song. "Are you reeling in the years? Stowing away the time? Are you gathering up the tears? Have you had enough of mine?" Not sure if Chuck is telling me he's sad, or he knows how I'm feeling these days. Then I hit the snooze, and what I heard next was "I want you, you want I" over and over again. It was the end of David Bowie, Young Americans. I would have to agree with you there, Chuck. :-)
Fri Sep 5 2003 Keep On Smilin' Heard an amazing song on the radio this morning. I've never heard it before, Keep On Smilin' by Wet Willie. It felt like this song was directed to both Tommy and me. "You say you've got the blues...Think you're about to go insane... You've got to keep on smilin thru the rain." Then it talks about playing in a honky tonk cafe, buying land. (that's the Tommy part!) Then the next verse talks about hanging out in the local bar wondering who the hell you are. That is exactly what I did last night. I went to Keif's with Tommy, Darren, Donnie and Dave. Chuck is telling us to hang in there.
Thu Sep 4 2003 Choppers In the Sky Tommy rode in on his chopper to work today. He told me that all the way in he saw clouds that looked like 2 choppers riding side by side. So Chuck rode in to work with him. :-)
Thu Sep 4 2003 Positive Birthday Messages Chuck sent me some nice songs this morning on the radio. The first song was the Doors, Touch Me. He's played that for me several times. "I'm gonna love you till the heavens stop the rain. I'm gonna love you till the stars fall from the sky for you and I." Then the next song was familiar, but I have no idea who sings it. "Let's work together...Together we will stand."

Happy birthday my pookie. I miss you more than anyone can imagine. But YOU know. It is a birthday of sorts for me too. The birth of a totally different life. So I am "1 years old" today. :-)