Close Encounters of the Chuck Kind - Year 3

This is a record of all the ways Chuck has contacted me since I lost him
on September 4, 2002. The most recent contacts are at the top, so if you
are new to this journal, read it bottom's up!
Things to look for as a Chuck Encounter!




Year 1: 112 ways Chuck told me that he's still around and cares. (Sept 4, 2002 - Sept 3, 2003)
Year 2: 266 ways Chuck told me that he's still around and cares. (Sept 4, 2003 - Sept 3, 2004)
Year 4: Chuck continues to amaze and comfort us

Fri Aug 19 2005 The One I Love I don't know who's song this is, but it said over and over "You're the one I love, the one I love." I love you very much Chuck. You know I always will. :-)
Sat Aug 13 2005 Still So Far Away Laying in bed, closed my eyes and saw these star fields rapidly receding and a Carol King sing popped into my mind - So Far Away. I don't know if Chuck is saying that it's harder for him to contact me, or I'm not as close to him as I used to be, or he just misses me. But he's definitely saying we're farther apart. I still tell him I love him and miss him. But probably not as often as I used to.
Wed Aug 10 2005 Birthday Card Chuck helped me pick out Mike's birthday card. Was in Jewel, poking around the cards. Couldn't find one I liked. Was drawn to one with a polar bear. We identified with polar bears, as I mentioned before. Then I read the inside, and it said something about not having too much tequila. Perfect! So the card was from Chuck too.
Tue Aug 9 2005 So Far Away Dire Straits song on the radio first thing - So Far Away From Me. I do feel further and further away from Chuck. But I suppose that is the natural progression.
Fri Aug 5 2005 Learning to Fly In the shower, a song popped into my mind. Tom Petty, Learning to Fly. Yes, Chuck, I'm still learning how to fly in my new world.
Thu Jul 28 2005 Song Set In the middle of the night, the monitor woke me up creaking away. Then had a set of songs from my radio that seemed to be from Chuck. Maybe in reaction to the hearing yesterday? Anyway, the first one was by the Foo Fighters, Cold Day In the Sun. Made me sad. Then was the Who, Did My Love Open The Door. Next something by someone I didn't know. It was a song about Jesus, "Let peace and beauty reign and bring us love again." Certainly a good thought! Maybe telling me to put it behind me and let myself have some peace.
Wed Jul 27 2005 Rough Justice This was a very hard day for me. Day of my binding arbitration hearing for my accident settlement. Radio came on with Green Day, I Hope You Had the Time of Your Life. I was crying thru that one, and then the Stones came on with their new song, Rough Justice. I knew Chuck was telling me it would be a rough day for me. So I was trying to be prepared for it. It went pretty crappy, but I was expecting it after Chuck's warning. As I was walking back to my car, I passed a little cafe and their speakers were playing a Beatles song, Hello Goodbye. Felt like Chuck was giving me encouragement, it was going to be ok in the end.
Sat Jul 16 2005 First Date Had my first date today. Was happy and sad at the same time. Jim and I were hitting it off really well. We wound up at McHenry Fiesta Days. Sitting under a tent, people watching. Suddenly he says "BABY!" exactly the way Chuck said it when he saw a baby. It startled me and freaked me out. Jim pointed out the baby. I actually felt close to Chuck for a moment. Like he was saying this was ok.
Thu Jul 14 2005 I Loved Them So I wish those deays would come back once more.
Why did those days ever have to go
Cause I loved them so.
Stevie Wonder with the alarm this a.m. Belive me Chuck, I ask that question all the time. I know Chuck likes what he's doing now, but he definitely misses his life here too.
Sun Jul 10 2005 Beatle Morning Beatles Real Love followed by Thank You Girl. Start of Breakfast with the Beatles. I had been asking Chuck if he still loved me. I don't hear from him nearly as often. This is probably a natural progression as each of us gets used to our new realities. But that doesn't mean I don't want to hear from him!
Sun Jul 3 2005 Oh My Love John Lennon song as the radio came on. The Billy Corgan version. Oh My Love.
Sun Jun 26 2005 Muffin Boy I wish this dream would come true! I was sitting in a waiting room waiting for PT. They were running extremely late. My Mom and sis were there with me. I was starving. I kept telling them I had missed breakfast. Then a few of the assistants came in with a bunch of bags. They had brought in a lot of muffins, donuts, danishes. I was really happy about that! Got up to pick out a blueberry muffin. Tried to actually pick one up and it kept falling apart in my hand. Started eating the pieces anyway, looked up and saw Chuck on the other side of the counter reaching into the display for a muffin. I was so excited - Chuck was alive! He looked like he did in 1998 - short hair, clean cut. He saw me and I tried to make my way to him around all the people in the office. I finally got close to him. I was so happy and excited. Chuck asked me what year was this, 1998? I said no, you've been out of it for quite a while, it's 2005. He looked stunned and said what happened? We started walking together trying to figure out the chain of events. What did he remember, trying to fit the puzzle pieces together. Then I told him let's look online and see what we can find out there. I was typing in his name to Google, and having a hard time getting "Charles" spelled right. Finally got it entered, and looking thru the results and I noticed Chuck wasn't by me anymore. I was wondering where he was and that he should be seeing this, and I woke up.
Wed Jun 22 2005 Hugs and Sparks Visit from Chuck segued into a dream. Not sleeping so well last night. Was awake, falling back asleep. Felt the start of communication flow. Got a happy grin on my face and said "Chuck!" Laughing and told him I loved and missed him. Then I said I want to give you a big hug. So I put my arms out and hugged. As I hugged, the communication flow intensified, like Chuck was hugging me too. I was delighted. So I did it again. Said "Big hug!" and hugged. Chuck used to say that to me and give me a BIG hug. :-) Chuck hugged back. And I did it one more time. Then I got brave and said I was going to try to open my eyes.

I opened them and saw a cloud of sparks/particles flowing at me from the monitor! This is the point where I'm dreaming for sure. I was surprised and said is that where it comes from? As the flow faded I saw a very strange thing. A twin beam of rainbow lights were beamed at the monitor, coming from some place at the foot of my bed. I sat up fast saying "What the???" I thought sadly, what if all the communication was really a malfunctioning remote? I started grabbing remotes (one was on the bed, rest were on the floor) and jamming on buttons to see if I could cause the prism light to hit the monitor. I knew I was dreaming because the remotes were on the floor, and I don't keep them there.

I couldn't get that light phenomemon to happen. I was happy about that. I certainly didn't want anything stupid like that to account for my visits from Chuck! At that point I had turned on the tv, and couldn't get it to turn back off. I was getting very frustrated because that remote refused to work correctly. Then Jeff, of all people, was there trying to help me. I woke up with the radio.

Started writing this and the monitor creaked a couple of times. Smiled and said thank you for the nice visit. Then a Beatles song came on, Hello Goodbye. Well, I hope both of us are saying hello and no one's saying goodbye!

Sun Jun 19 2005 Love Never Dies Radio on with a Paul McCartney birthday tribute. Couple of songs in, Here There and Everywhere came on. My monitor creaked a bunch of times. "Each one believing that love never dies..." I love you Chuck.
Sat Jun 18 2005 Want To Talk Coldplay singing to me when the radio came on. "Oh brother, I can't get thru. So scared about the future and I want to talk to you." Maybe Chuck is having a harder time talking to me.
Tue Jun 7 2005 Happy Hug Had a wonderful wonderful visit from Chuck. Sometimes I wonder if when I don't hear from him for a while if he's saving up energy for a closer visit? A nice rush of communication flowed over me and I was laughing. I tried to talk to Chuck out loud. I usually talk to him in my mind in these situations cause I don't want to disturb the feeling in any way. But this time I thought I'd try and see what happened. So I was laughing and telling Chuck I loved and missed him. Told him I was going to try to hug him. Almost felt like I could. Felt like he was happy to be with me. Was really nice to have some time just being happy.
Sun May 29 2005 Secret Speed Woke up way before the alarm, got up to hit the bathroom. Monitor went off in a crescendo of creaks. I smiled and said good morning Chuck, I love you. Radio came on. Wilco, Secret of the Sea. "You can guess the secret of my love for you." Then Coldplay, Speed of Sound. "How long am I gonna stand with my head stuck in the sand...seize every chance that you get." It certainly feels that Chuck is asking what am I waiting for, he still loves me, but I should go for it.
Thu May 26 2005 Shining Light This morning Collective Soul sang to me with the alarm. Heaven let your light shine down.
Wed May 25 2005 Find Romance Radio told me "When you see a chance, take it...find romance." Steve Winwood. More encouragement from Chuck.
Mon May 23 2005 eHarmony Monitor woke me up in the middle of the night. Creaking like crazy. There was an ad on tv for eHarmony. Took me a minute to wake up enough to realize what I was watching. Then I thought about it. Chuck has spent a lot of effort to tell me that online dating is bad. This time he woke me up to point me at it. Maybe it wasn't online dating that was bad but the sites I was looking at that he didn't like. I may try eHarmony since Chuck seems to approve?
Mon May 23 2005 Atomic Clock Was watching tv, trying to look at the guide to see what was on. I got really confused. Things weren't on that I thought should be on. Finally realized that the atomic clock read 11:38 am 5-31-2009 Friday. It was really 11:00 am. I hope I remember on that date that I was given a hint ahead of time.
Mon May 23 2005 Stick Together Alarm off with a Roxy Music song. Let's Stick Together.
Wed May 18 2005 Don't Need Us Monitor creaked and woke me up. Had a little chat with Chuck. Told him how much I missed him. Radio came on with CSN, Wooden Ships. "We are leaving, you don't need us." I got upset. Told Chuck I don't want him to leave. I did need him. Monitor creaked a bunch of times at me. Kept talking to him, monitor kept creaking. So now I am sad. Not sure if Chuck was telling me goodbye. We shall see I guess. Then was the Billy Corgan song again, I Could Love You. And Fleetwood Mac - "If you don't love me now, then you won't love me again." But I do love you Chuck.
Sat May 14 2005 Cell Iron Had a dream with Chuck in it. Don't know if this was a visit really. We were home, but it wasn't this house, was someplace else. There were other people popping in and out saying hi. I was telling everyone about Tommy's party tonight and that I wanted to go. They'd ask if Chuck was going and I said I didn't ask him yet. I finally shyly went up to Chuck and asked him if he'd go to the party. He said of course, yes, he'd love to. Then he started to get ready. I was going to take a shower after I helped him set up the iron. He was going to iron his shirt! He mentioned something about it being a "cell" iron, and his Mom was scoffing that there was no such thing. Chuck looked at me and said "back me up on this". I told his Mom, yes, there is a "cell" iron and we have one. Chuck was rattling off what the cell acronym stood for, and I took the iron from him and looked at the display. It was saying that we had to install software. I handed it back to Chuck thinking it should still work, but where did I put the install disk! Then I headed off to take my shower and woke up. I will have to tell Tommy that Chuck said he would come to the party!
Fri May 13 2005 Testing Went in the computer room to pick up the paperwork for my blood test tomorrow. As I reached for it, the monitor closest to me creaked a couple of times. I thanked Chuck for staying so close to me and caring. Picked up the paper and looked it over. Monitor creaked again. I felt Chuck was encouraging me.
Fri May 13 2005 Smoke Alarm Had a close-by thunderstorm early this morning. Woke me up. Monitor creaked at me. Told Chuck hi and talked a bit about the storm. Started thinking about what was plugged in where and if the house takes a direct lighting hit. My laptop was downstairs, plugged directly into the wall. I debated about getting up, going downstairs to unplug it. Decided it would be ok. Lightining hit really close, like in the back yard. Then the smoke alarm started going off! I jumped out of bed and went downstairs, unplugged the laptop and turned off Touch-IT. Back in bed and the monitor creaked at me a couple of times. Started thinking about how the smoke alarm could go off. It's battery operated, so it's not like it got a power surge. And it only went off until I got out of bed. So I think it was Chuck getting me out of bed to protect my laptop and Touch-IT. It worked! Keeping electronics safe is something Chuck would think very important!
Sat May 7 2005 Like She Does Monitor creaked a bunch of times before the alarm went off. I said Hi Chuck, I love you. First song was Sting, Brand New Day. Then Joe Cocker, The Letter. Certainly have a long association with that song. :-) And then the Beatles, Don't Let Me Down. "Nobody ever loved me like she does..."
Thu May 5 2005 I Could Love You Radio came on with the very tail end of a Beatles song. Next song came on and the monitor creaked once, so I paid attention. New song by Billy Corgan, "I Could Love You...". Thought that was sweet. Then a commercial came on that Mother's Day is rampant Beatlemania. I smiled at that and the monitor creaked a few times. Smiled and said Yes, that will be fun!
Wed May 4 2005 Butter Shirt This happened at about 11pm, with the lights on. Monitor creaked once very loudly. I said Hi Chuck. Started talking to him about recent events, like Brian becoming a dad. Told him I missed him very much. Looked over at the monitor, which I do often after it creaks. I guess I think maybe Chuck is in that corner of the room. This time I saw a faint disturbance in the air. A mere suggestion of something. I told myself I can't be completely sure about this one. Maybe I'm just tired. But I hoped I saw what I thought I saw. Then I had a gentle feeling of communication wash over me. I felt peace and love. Not the raging rush like the past few times. I lay very still because I didn't want the feeling to go away. Then it slowly faded. I smiled and was glad for Chuck's visit. Then I remembered I wanted to give one of his IT shirts for the 20th anniversary quilt we're making. I got out his butter IT trade show shirt and thought Chuck would enjoy being a part, contributing to the project. Put the shirt by the door so I wouldn't forget it, got into bed. Monitor creaked softly at me. Maybe Chuck's approval or thanks?
Tue May 3 2005 Trouble Radio on at the alarm with "she won't let me go" over and over. Trouble, by Ray LaMontagne. Very sweet.
Tue Apr 26 2005 Sex and Candy Heard a song this morning I haven't heard forever on the radio. Marcy Playground, Sex and Candy. Chuck loved this band. We played this CD over and over when it came out.
Mon Apr 25 2005 He Was Just 17 Had 2 visits from Chuck last night. Was sleeping and had a rush of communication flow hit me. I said hi, but it felt like Chuck didn't want to talk with me. I felt more like Chuck was stern. He started flipping me end over end. I was really confused. Why was he doing this? Then behind me there was a computer screen with an online dating profile. I knew what it was from the page layout. I couldn't read it, it was kind of grayed out. He kept flipping me, and the profiles kept changing. I thought over and over why are you doing this? I don't understand. Then he stopped flipping me and the communication feeling went away for a couple of seconds. I was laying in bed feeling confused and the communication came back with a rush. I asked Chuck why? Told him I loved him. A profile was back again and he pulsed the communication flow over and over very firmly. Then I woke up completely. I was so puzzled. Lay there thinking about it for a while and then I figured it out. Chuck was again telling me not to do online dating. Pretty firmly this time! The pulses felt like he was saying no, no, no, no...almost like I was being scolded. I just wish I knew why he is so against it, but I don't think he's allowed to tell me. So I went back to sleep.

Then I had a wild dream. I found a picture of Chuck as a kid in a magazine. He was probably 17, dressed preppy, next to his friends, at some prep school. I was laughing at the pic and went to scan it in so I could email it to everyone. The story was about how much trouble these kids got into in school. I had the tv on and as I was scanning, I noticed a show was on. It was a new show about these same kids! I got excited and was looking for the Chuck character. Suddenly a bunch of people were round and I was excitedly explaining about the show. Then I saw Chuck's character and was jumping up to point him out to everyone. Then I thought - I have to tell Joe. Maybe he can capture it when they rerun it. I was working on setting up my computer to do that, and Joe walked in. I quickly showed him the magazine and told him what I was doing. He said he'd get it set up. I went to talk to a few people and came back a little later. It was on again and Joe was making boxes around the Chuck character with the mouse so he could capture it. I was so excited. Tommy was there too. We started comparing the magazine photo with the characters to see how accurate they were. The show had done an amazing job. The details were exact - the clothes, hair, very very close doubles. We saw the Chuck character and kind of cheered. It was like watching Chuck in a time warp. They did a really good job. We were all thrilled and couldn't wait to see more of the show. Then I woke up. I bet I had that dream cause I had just read an email from Joe about transferring old home movies to digital form. :-)

Wed Apr 20 2005 Forever Monitor creaked right before the alarm went off. Woke me up. Said good morning Chuck, I love you. Really sweet REM song was on the radio, Leaving New York. "I told you I love you, I love you forever..."
Sun Apr 17 2005 I'll Be There Great Beatles song on the radio this morning. "Any time at all, all you gotta do is call, and I'll be there."
Thu Apr 14 2005 Cards in Heaven Was starting to have a little dream. Was walking with the I.T. gang somewhere and Cheryl said to me don't you think you're hot? I made a face and shrugged. She said to the guys, she just doesn't understand. Then I sort of woke. I knew I was laying in bed on my stomache. It felt like someone knelt on the bed on either side of me. Like someone was sitting on my butt. I had a whoosh of communication waves flow up my body. I smiled and said hi Chuck! Told him I was really happy he was visiting. I laughed and asked if he thought I was hot. I felt a pulse in the wave at my head. I laughed. I was asking him questions and he would pulse for yes. I kept telling him I loved him inbetween questions. Asked if he missed me. Yes. Then I felt him caress me, like he gently ran his hand down my back from the top of my head to my butt. I laughed again and said that tickles. He gave me a pat on the head like that other time. Then he started showing me things. I can't remember what all the images were, but at the end Chuck was showing me hands of cards, like poker or black jack. I laughed again and asked if we could play cards together in heaven. The communication faded before I got my answer. I thanked Chuck for the nice visit and told him I loved him.
Sun Apr 10 2005 Letter Woke up to one of the first songs that Chuck ever sent to me - Joe Cocker, The Letter. "She wrote me to tell me she couldn't live without me no more."
Fri Apr 8 2005 Hanging Around Chuck seemed to be hanging around today. Had several visits. :-)
First, was going thru some more of his papers in this year's Spring cleaning effort. I opened a bank statement and suddenly smelled Chuck. Chuck's smell was a combo of Degree deodorant, Pantene shampoo and Stetson cologne. Going thru any of his things is always hard. I think he was trying to show support.
Later that night I was looking at a DVD that Ellen gave me. It was stuff video Dave had put together. As I was looking at the AVI's, my monitor was happily creaking away at me. Chuck was definitely enjoying seeing those videos! I will be including them in Chuck Zenkus 2.0 :-)
Then I was understandably sad and just watching tv. I don't remember what I was thinking about, but I had a hard pulse of communication, but just at my head. Almost like Chuck was giving me a pat on the head the only way he could. I knew it was meant to comfort me.
And all night Chuck kept popping into my dreams. I'd just see his smiling face for a moment and it would be gone. Then a few minutes later he'd be there and gone again.
Thu Apr 7 2005 American Baby Dave Matthews again for a radio wake up song. His new one, American Baby.
Wed Apr 6 2005 Be With You Alarm on with a Beatles song. Always a good thing! Then Peter Gabriel, "I want to be with you. I want to be here..."
Tue Apr 5 2005 Time to Laugh Getting ready to get into the shower and was hit with a song in my mind. Pretenders. "It is time for you to stop all of your sobbing. It is time for you to laugh instead of crying." Chuck offering encouragement.
Mon Apr 4 2005 Talk to Chuck Started watching Antique Road Show on TiVo. Was fast forwarding and thought I saw "Chuck" pass by. Went back to look and it was the very end of a commercial - it said "Talk to Chuck". The episode was for Reno, a place Chuck liked a lot. Now I see this ad campaign everywhere and it always makes me smile.
Sun Apr 3 2005 Take Nothing Radio came on with new Audioslave, Be Yourself. Had a visionette of sorts. In time to the music, pages of words were flashing in my mind. The typefaces were changing each page and the words were all different except one word stayed the same and in the same spot so I could read it. They were flashing by so fast that I forgot the first word by the time the last one came up. Rats! It was:
(something) pier see forbidden things still take nothing

I think this note was from Chuck. He was such a terrible speller, and I think "pier" should be "peer". Makes more sense! :-)

Sat Apr 2 2005 Bright Side Laying in bed, waiting for the alarm. My monitor creaked at me a couple of times. I said Hi Chuck. I love you. Radio came on with Train In Vain, by the Clash. "I won't be happy without you around". Then Bright Side of the Road, by Van Morrison. And finally, a Cars song that Chuck liked.
Fri Mar 25 2005 Maybe Tomorrow Chuck talking to me thru songs this morning. First was Cheryl Crow. "If it makes you happy, then why are you still so sad."
Another song I've never heard. "Maybe tomorrow I'll find my way home." The Stereophonics, Maybe Tomorrow.
Last was that sweet new Dave Matthews song, American Baby. "I hold on to you, you bring me hope I'll see you soon."
Mon Mar 21 2005 Light Up Kind of a sad morning. Radio came on with the Beatles, She Said. "She said, I know what it's like to be dead."
Then a song I'd never heard before that made me cry. Snow Patrol, Run.
"Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear"
Tue Mar 15 2005 Change Again Radio on with Cheryl Crow again, A Change Will Do You Good. Chuck really trying to give me a kick in the butt to get out of my rut.
Mon Mar 14 2005 Shock I thought I had woke up. Was laying in bed listening to the radio. Chuck was laying in bed next to me. I felt so happy. Just enjoying laying there with Chuck laying on his side with his back to me. Then he rolled over and was going to put his arm around me and I woke up for real. It was a dreadful shock. I thought Chuck was alive. The accident was a dream and that I had finally woke up. It was so incredibly real. I was so bitterly disappointed to be back without him. :-(
Wed Mar 9 2005 Shadow People Had a very intense visit. Woke up at 1:30am for some reason and was trying to fall asleep again. Was hit with a very strong wave of communication tingle. Had a very long conversation with Chuck. Would ask him something and say pulse if you agree. And he did! At one point I said something about wanting to be with him now and Chuck pulsed the wave so hard and sharp it hurt - a most emphatic NO. That scared me and I cried out. Chuck saying it was absolutely not my time yet.

After a long time the wave subsided a bit and I sat up. I saw a strange smoky, shadowy wave floating all over my room. I watched the shadow curl and flow around the bedroom and felt happy laughter kind of bubbling out of it. The shadow formed into the silhouettes of a bunch of people, but very indistinct, smaller than real size, constantly shifting. I said hi to them and felt them greet me. I asked if they knew Chuck and I felt a happy yes. They told me that Chuck was great and had helped them all. I was happy that Chuck was helping so many people, that he cared so much. They faded away after a bit.

I did wake up with the alarm, so I think the shadow part was a dream. I enjoyed the conversation with Chuck, but I woke up terribly sad. I miss him way too much.

Sun Mar 6 2005 Sept DVD At Walmart looking for a copy of the Superbowl Shuffle in the $5.50 DVD bin. Saw the DVD for the movie Airheads. Chuck really liked that movie - had 2 of his favorite stars in it. So I kept it while I continued to look for the Shuffle. No Shuffle, but I bought Airheads. Got home and looked at the DVD more closely. Right under the price was the date "SEPT 04". I think Chuck gave me a nudge to buy it and tell me he was around.
Tue Mar 1 2005 Creaky Night Last night thru this morning my monitor was creaking away at me. I woke up a few times during the night and the monitor would creak. Would talk to Chuck a bit, monitor would creak one more time. Then I'd go back to sleep.
Mon Feb 28 2005 Periphery Was updating my Chuck encounters and in my peripheral vision I saw a figure move across my bedroom. Was just an outline of a person really. Then my monitor creaked.
Sat Feb 26 2005 Forest Feather Watched Forest Gump on tv. Chuck and I love that movie. At the end, the white feather floats around. Chuck and I had conversations about that feather. As the feather floated, I had a wave of cold tingles sweep over me. I really felt Chuck was with me at the end of the movie. I told him I loved him and missed him.
Sat Feb 19 2005 With Us in AZ Driving thru Sedona with Chuck's Mom. We talked about Chuck a lot today. I really miss him. He would be having such a good time on this trip. I saw a van that said, "The best in Sedona, by Farr" which startled me a lot. Not 10 seconds later I looked left and saw "Fast Eddie's Diner". Chuck is definitely here with us.
Fri Feb 18 2005 So Excited Suddenly woke up at 2am. Had a song blast in my mind, Pointers Sisters, I'm So Excited. I really feel that Chuck is excited that I'm going to AZ to visit his Mom. I asked him if he was excited about it, and if he would come and visit out there with me. I felt a sense of gentle happiness.
Thu Feb 17 2005 Happened For a Reason Woke up with a song in my mind - Elton John, "I'm still standing better than I ever did. Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid."

When the alarm went off, heard a song I've heard a few times recently, Wilco, Theologians:
I'm going away
Where you will look for me
Where I'm going you cannot come

Snooze... Then I think a song by Gomez, Happened For a Reason. And a song Chuck has really been hammering to me lately, Cheryl Crow, A Change Will Do You Good.

Mon Feb 14 2005 Stones Valentine Happy Valentine's day from Chuck! DJ said it was the most romantic Stone's song, Rocks Off. I never heard it before. Checked out the lyrics and it's kind of a gross song! Hahaha! So he had to be kidding.
Sat Feb 12 2005 Make The Best Radio was on and deciding when to get out of bed. Police came on with "when the world is running down, you make the best of what's still around." I closed my eyes and saw an email with a lot of words - block of words, solid. Black type, with the words from the song highlighted in red so they stood out and were easily read. They were scattered thru the block. Chuck emphasizing his point. Still giving me good advice.
Thu Feb 10 2005 No Long Sleeves Had a gentle Chuck dream. Chuck came in and was visiting with a bunch of people. He sat down at this long table and was smiling at everyone. I was really happy to see him. I thought "I haven't seen him in a long time." Tommy was sitting next to him. Chuck looked like he did in maybe 2000. Hair was long, beard wasn't so wild. He wasn't wearing a Harley shirt, and I wondered about that. Then I went over to a big pile of shirts. I thought "they all need a new shirt to wear". Everyone was staying overnight to visit. So I flipped thru the pile, picking out shirts for everyone. I thought, well, Chuck isn't wearing a Harley shirt, so I'm going to try to pick out cool shirts that aren't Harley shirts. And I flipped past any Harley shirts. I stopped at a Blackhawk shirt, and was going to grab it, but I saw it had long sleeves. "Chuck doesn't like long sleeves" so I passed it.

I started walking back to the table with an arm full of shirts, watching Chuck visit, and thinking about getting everyone something to drink. I didn't see Chuck talking, or even making eye contact, but everyone was happy and smiling, enjoying eachother's company.

Woke up and wondered if that was really a Chuck visit. Was thinking about it, and my monitor creaked once softly. I said then, that was a visit! Thank you for visiting me Chuck! Laying in bed, mind wandering, suddenly focused on the radio - song saying over and over "I'm ready for you. Hope you're ready for me." Song ended and monitor creaked again. So I know Chuck meant for me to listen to that.

Mon Feb 7 2005 Tomorrow Woke up 3 times during the night. Each time a song came flooding at me. Annie's Tomorrow.

Rod Stewart when the alarm went off. "I wish that I knew what I knew now when I was younger."

Sun Feb 6 2005 Churching Up Laying in bed, dozing with the tv on. Was on a church service. Heard TiVo make a ding. For no reason. I didn't hit any buttons, and the screen didn't change. Maybe Chuck trying to tell me to talk to God. Every now and then he would tell me I needed "some churching up."
Sat Feb 5 2005 CZ Driving into work, treated to a CZ license plate. Chuck saying Hi on my drive.
Sat Feb 5 2005 Don't Give Up First thing from the radio - "Don't give up, you've got a reason to live. Just remember, you only get what you give." I needed to hear something like this. Very depressed. Saw Kathy and Brad in court yesterday. Laughing and joking like nothing happened. Chuck's absence makes absolutely no difference to them. I was crying off and on the whole time.
Mon Jan 31 2005 Miss You Sitting at work. Feeling sad. Song popped into my mind. Stones, "Lord I miss you." Told Chuck I missed him too. That's the first time Chuck has contacted me at work that I can remember. He must know how sad I get there.
Tue Jan 25 2005 Winding Road Listening to the radio in bed. Cheryl Crow, Every Day is a Winding Road came on. Got waves of cold tingles thru my body, so I figure Chuck wanted me to pay attention to that song.

Later, taking my shower, a Beatles song popped into my mind, I Want to Hold Your Hand. I'd like to hold your hand too Chuck! :-)

Tue Jan 18 2005 To Have You Back Again Thought popped into my mind before the alarm - "I would give everything I own. Give up my life, my heart, my home. Just to have you back again."
The alarm went off, Grateful Dead, "I will get by. I will survive." Snooze.
Then Franz Ferdinand, "I know I will be leaving here without you."
Sun Jan 16 2005 On Your Own U2 when the alarm went off, Sometimes You Can't Make it on Your Own.
Wed Jan 12 2005 Waves Wasn't sleeping so well, so was pretty awake. About 3:30am had waves and waves of communication crash over me, more and more intense. I started talking to Chuck. Told him how much I loved him and missed him, and wanted to be with him. The waves subsided but the tingle lasted a very long time. Very very slowly fading. I thanked Chuck for visiting.

The radio came on with ELP, "What a lucky man he was."

Tue Jan 11 2005 A Change Sheryl Crow was first thing I heard this morning. Right at "A change will do you good." Chuck giving me good advice. I am definitely stuck in a holding pattern. This line really hit me. Was hearing it many times in my mind for days afterwards.
Thu Jan 6 2005 Broken Dreams Radio on with Coldplay, Clocks. "Home, where I wanted to be." At the end over and over. Snooze!
Green Day, Boulevard of Broken Dreams. This song really says how I feel. Makes me sad to hear. :-( Snooze!
Dave Matthews, "I love you so well."
Tue Jan 4 2005 Taught Me Woke up to a song I hadn't heard before on the radio. "Love taught me to lie, life taught me to die." By Damien Rice, Cannonball. Chuck saying he still remembers me? Or recognizing that I still remember him?
Sat Jan 1 2005 Creaky New Year Monitor creaked when I woke. I said Happy New Year Chuck! Monitor creaked again.
Wed Dec 29 2004 CZ Aha! Was driving home from work and noticed I was behind a CZ plate. This one was CZAJA 28. I started laughing and saying "CZ aha!" :-)
Fri Dec 24 2004 Bad Day Had sat down to get this page caught up. Monitor creaked softly. I said hi to Chuck. Told him I guess he knew I was having a bad day. Monitor creaked twice. I do feel special that Chuck still keeps an eye on me.
Thu Dec 23 2004 Ghost of a Hint This visit did feel more like a dream than most others. I had hit the snooze. I got out of bed and had sat on the floor to look at something. My bedroom door swung open and closed, then open and closed. I smiled and laughed and said I love you Chuck. I felt him hug me and saw a shadowy impression of him. It felt like he encouraged me to stand and go to my bed. I flopped on the bed laughing and Chuck hugged me tighter. I felt the communication tingle as we hugged. Chuck lifted the top half of my body off the bed. I could feel and hear a ghost of a hint of him laughing along with me. He was really happy to visit. I kept laughing and saying I love you Chuck. We hugged and laughed for a little bit. He slowly put me down. I got up out of bed and was walking towards the bathroom and the tingle slowly faded. Then I saw someone walk down the stairs and I had a confrontation with a lady who had broken into the house. She said she got in thru the kitchen window. So I knew this visit was definitely a dream. But I did wake up with a smile. I also did lock the kitchen window that morning. We had always left that window unlocked as a way to get in the house in an emergency. I think Chuck was warning me to lock it, so I did!
Sun Dec 19 2004 Can't Relax My monitor was creaking up a storm this morning! First I said Hi Chuck. Then I told him I loved him and missed him. Monitor kept creaking so I said I guess you want to talk to me! Told him I'd try to relax to see if we could talk. I couldn't relax enough. I think I was too awake. :-(
Tue Dec 14 2004 Now John Mellencamp sang at me this morning. Your Life Is Now.
Sat Dec 11 2004 Sweet Songs Song on radio this morn, Beatles, Come Together. I smiled and told Chuck, Yes, we are today! My family is getting together at my Mom's this afternoon. :-)
Laying in bed trying to go back to sleep and 2 songs pop into my mind. George's Something, and then Extreme, More Than Words. Thank you Chuck. That's sweet.
Fri Dec 10 2004 It's All Right Radio on with Traveling Wilburys, Well It's All Right. Song is all about that it's ok to be alone.
Thu Dec 9 2004 Email! Chuck emailed me this morning. I was going thru my email and a message popped in from Then the spam filter took it. I went to the quarantine folder and took a look. It was from Chuck, but had no "to", no "sent", no subject, no body. What a cool way to say hi. Then a few hours later I got a call from Dianna. She had gotten a Chuck email too! We talked about it a bit. I think we both felt special.
Mon Dec 6 2004 Can't Hurry Love In the bathroom, pondering about if I'll ever meet anyone or not. Song popped into my mind. Phil Collins. "No, you can't hurry love. You'll just have to wait."
Mon Nov 29 2004 American Casino Watching American Chopper and forwarding thru commercials. Briefly thought I saw "Chuck" flash by. Went thru more slowly and saw it was an ad for American Casinos show. At one point a girl is jumping up and down in the audience holding up a big sign that says "Chuck". Chuck loved casinos so much! What a fun way to catch my attention and say hi. :-)
Sat Nov 27 2004 No One Can Stop Us Moby song was first thing I heard today. "People they come together. People they fall apart. No on can stop us now. We are only stars."
Fri Nov 26 2004 Miss You Alarm on this morn with the Stones. "I'm just lying to myself, it's just you and no one else. Lord I miss you."
Wed Nov 24 2004 Falletinme Woke up before the alarm. Thought "I love you Chuck." Had a song pop into my mind. "Thank you falletinme be myself again." I told Chuck "You're welcome." That is one thing I was always proud of. I never tried to make him into something he wasn't. I let him be himself.

When the radio came on was REM. "Easier to leave than be left behind...I love you forever, I love you forever..." Over and over.

Sun Nov 21 2004 Crazy Love Monitor creaked before the alarm went off, so when it kicked on I paid attention. "Take away my heartache. Take away my grief. Give me love, love, love, love, crazy love."
Wed Nov 17 2004 CZ Driving around a bit today doing errands. Was pulling out of a parking space and felt my eyes riveted on the license of the car parked next to me. It was a CZ plate. I think Chuck is staying close to me these couple of days because he knows how upset I've been.
Tue Nov 16 2004 Double Bonus Visit Kinda dozing while watching tv. Not quite ready to really go to bed. It's about 11pm. I started climbing the stairs in my house to go to my room. Then I heard Chuck talking to me in my mind. Not very distinctly. And I got the idea he was telling me something about Oreo. Then a wooden bear came up the stairs and kind of knocked me over, rolled on it's back in my lap. Somehow I knew Chuck had something to do with that bear.

Then communication waves came over me and I felt Chuck hug me. I felt his hand pressing on my back. I was hugging him as tightly as I could. I couldn't see him, but I felt him. He was murmuring to me. I couldn't make out what he was saying, but I knew he loved me.

I kept thinking of Oreo as I was hugging him and I got the impression of dog paws running by to my right. I distractedly asked Chuck if he was messing with Oreo and I would go check on her later. This whole time Chuck and I are hugging tightly with the waves of communication flowing thru me. I felt him hit a tickle spot on my side and I laughed, Don't tickle! The communciation faded and I woke.

Tue Nov 16 2004 Beep Beep Was walking out to my car in the garage and my phone started beeping at me. I said Hi Chuck! Beep. I had been thinking about the trial and asked him if he thought it was going to be ok. Silence. I said I'll be happy when it's over. Beep. I said I love you. Beep beep.
Fri Nov 12 2004 Amber Again Had woken up about 4am. My monitor creaked softly once. I said Good morning Chuck! I love you. Monitor creaked again. Went back to sleep. Radio woke me with "Amber is the color of your energy" song. Then the DJ said "It's good to be alive." I think that DJ has taken that phrase as his theme. He just started doing that! Then Eric Clapton did Forever Man. "How many times must I say I love you before you finally understand?"
Tue Nov 9 2004 Only High Woke up to John Mayer singing You Are My Only High. Tried to look for the lyrics to this and can't find them. I'll try again later!
Mon Nov 8 2004 Driving In My Car Lazing in bed with the radio on. Tracy Chapman, Fast Car came on. As the chorus came up I had a strong wave of cold tingling sweep thru my body.

I remember we were driving driving in your car
The speed so fast I felt like I was drunk
City lights lay out before us
And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder
And I had a feeling that I belonged
And I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone

Was definitely how I felt about driving with Chuck.

Fri Nov 5 2004 Good To Be Alive Long set of tunes spoke to me this morning from the radio. First was ELP, What a Lucky Man He Was. Then a song I never heard before, Golden Way. Then Dick Clark was saying "It's good to be alive." I certainly haven't always thought that since the accident. Last was Santana singing over and over "Aint got nobody that I can depend on." That one made me sad. I would hope Chuck thinks he can depend on me.
Sun Oct 31 2004 Amber Was listening to the new Lit CD in my car. Song came on that they say "I want you here with me" over and over. Right then a car cut me off. On the license plate was AMBER. I always think of Chuck when I see amber. Chuck telling me he wants me with him? I told him I missed him very much.
Tue Oct 26 2004 Hell Yeah Monitor creaking woke me at 5am. Said Hi Chuck, I love you. It creaked again. I flopped over in bed, trying to go back to sleep. Beautiful "More Than Words" song popped into my mind. As I grabbed my journal to write this down, I heard Chuck say "Hell yeah!" in my mind. It sounded like he was happy and smiling as it was said.

Radio finally came on with a sad REM song. "Leaving is easy. I told you I love you. I love you forever." Over and over at the end of the song.

Mon Oct 18 2004 Dusty Bike Walking out to my car to go to work. I had hooked up the battery for my Yamaha to a charger. As I negotiated getting over the power cord, my phone started beeping at me. Not the thup, thup like before, but a beep! I asked Chuck if he was happy I was getting Mini V running. My phone stopped beeping and I smiled.
Sat Oct 16 2004 What You Wanna Do Radio on this morn with Lou Reed. "Do what you wanna do, but I love you Suzanne". I really think Chuck was sadly saying do what I want to with that online dating. I keep going back to it because I certainly don't go out much, don't meet anyone new. I'm finding I don't care for it. I think Chuck has decided to let me figure out for myself that this isn't a good way.
Thu Oct 14 2004 You're Everything I had TiVo'd Fox News in the Morning so I could see Hulk Hogan and his daughter. She started singing her single and my monitor creaked to get my attention. I told Chuck I missed him, then I paid attention to the song and heard her singing "you're everything to me".
Thu Oct 7 2004 23 Laying in bed this morning, thinking about Chuck. Remembering what it was like to wake up next to him. Told him I loved him and missed him. Had a thought strongly pop in my mind. "23". Just a number. Clear and strong out of nowhere. Now I just need to figure out what the heck it means!
Mon Oct 4 2004 Communication Woke up at 3am for unknown reasons. Made a trip to the bathroom and snuggled back in bed. I don't even think I was particularly sleepy when I felt waves of communication tingle start. They got really strong. So strong I heard a sound in my ears. Not a song or speech, but a sound that pulsed with the intensity of the feeling. I smiled and said Hi Chuck. I'm really happy you're visiting. I love you. I miss you. Then I asked if he still loved me, and the waves became a strong solid blast, like an emphatic yes. I was very happy and felt like I was just radiating love back to him. The feeling faded, but left a residual tingle thru my whole body for a while afterwards.
Sat Oct 2 2004 Killer Radio was on this morning with Smashing Pumpkins, Disarm. Very sad. About being left behind and being alone. Chuck is still not reconciled to not being here I think. Well, why should it be any easier for him than it is for me?
Sat Sep 25 2004 Jealousy Last night I was emailing a guy from online. Chuck had made it very clear to me that he did not like the online thing. I wasn't sure if it was cause he didn't think I was ready of that I would get hurt. I never considered he might be jealous. I didn't think you could feel that way in heaven. But what do I know one way or the other! I had finished my email and was surfing around. This guy had been pressuring me to meet him. I told him not yet, I don't know you well enough. I would think Chuck would be happy that I wasn't rushing into anything. Anyway, the monitor creaked at me a bunch of times and I said Hi Chuck. Maybe 5 minutes later my Mac started making funny sounds. I thought some site started playing a wav or something. It stopped and started off and on for a while. Then I had a kernel panic and my Mac was toast. It didn't hit me what had happened until I tried to reboot and it wouldn't come back up. I started thinking about what I'd lose if I could never boot up that drive again and felt sad and sick.

I woke up before the alarm and was thinking about trying to get my files off the drive. My monitor creaked at me a bunch and I asked Chuck if he could help me get my files off. The alarm went off and I heard Jealousy by the Gin Blossoms. Then was Peter Gabriel being nasty saying "This time you've gone too far." From Digging in the Dirt. And last a Poi Dog song "Say that you'll be the one, won't you take me."

After hearing those songs I thought maybe Chuck hepled my Mac go down. He wasn't happy about what I was doing? I don't understand.

Fri Sep 24 2004 Amber Radio was on with the DJ yakking away. I got a little sad thinking Chuck wasn't around as much lately. Then my monitor creaked a bunch of times. I smiled and said good morning Chuck, and I was happy that you came around this morning. I sang him the Barney intro that he gets a kick out of and figured he wanted me to pay attention to the radio since he creaked that monitor at me so much. Next song was by 311 - Amber Is The Color Of Your Energy. Chuck loved amber.
Wed Sep 22 2004 Monitor Kinda Morning As a Beatles song (Drive My Car) came out of the radio, my monitor creaked at me. Chuck poking at me about him always driving my car? :-)
Next was a new song by Wilco, the Theologians. "I don't know nothing about my soul." "I know I'm going. Where I'm going you can't come." Well, some day I hope I can go where you did!
Monitor creaked again. Said good morning Chuck. Another couple of creaks. Then I told him I loved and missed him. I tell him that often.
Sat Sep 18 2004 Give A Little Bit Radio on with Supertramp. "Give a little bit of my love to you." I cried at the line "give a little bit of my life for you". I believe Chuck did give his life for me. Although I think we would have lost him if he didn't swerve, Chuck swerving the car at the last instant saved my life.

Then Fleetwood Mac. "Time cast a spell on you so you won't forget me. "You'll never get away from the sound of the woman that loves you." I guess this is saying that Chuck feels we are bound together in some way. I did feel that way when we were together.

Sun Sep 12 2004 Take Your Place "Won't you please come to Chicago. No one can take your place." Graham Nash on the radio this morn.

Remembered I had a dream about Chuck. I don't think this was him visiting. It was just a dream. I don't remember it in detail like I usually do, it wasn't as intense. Basically, Chuck didn't die in the accident. But a long while later he did die in a car crash. I wasn't with him, so I wasn't hurt. I was grieving, crying, but no one else was really upset. Then I realized that they thought he had already died a long time ago. I was the only one who knew he hadn't died 2 years ago in that accident. It made me realize that no matter what, Chuck was going to die early, in a car accident. There was no escape. :-(

Sat Sep 11 2004 First And Last Before the alarm went off my phone kept beeping at me. Every minute or so for about 10 minutes. I picked up the phone to see what the heck was going on. It kept going in and out of different services - from digital to analog to roaming. Was really weird! That's never happened before except in New Mexico, where they have no towers! ;-)

Radio came on with "I've been first and last. Look at how the time goes past. But I'm all alone at last. Rolling home to you." Neil Young. I'll roll home to you some day Chuck.

Thu Sep 9 2004 Wake Up Pay Attention I woke up at about 3am and put the tv on to fall asleep. At about 3:30 my monitor creaked a bunch of times waking me. On the tv was an infomercial for a skin care system. My skin has gotten really bad since I've been taking so much tylenol over the past 2 years. Chuck must have wanted to show me the product. Maybe he thought it was a good thing for me. :-)
Wed Sep 8 2004 Stop Your Sobbin Pretenders first thing this morning from the radio. "It is time for you to stop all of your is time for you to laugh instead of crying." My monitor creaked a couple of times right before the alarm went off. I always think that's Chuck telling me to pay attention. I do still cry. And of course I have been crying more this week. Feels like Chuck is encouraging me.
Tue Sep 7 2004 Right The Wrong I decided to try an experiment of sorts. I changed the radio station I wake up to from the Drive to XRT. I wanted to see if it made a difference whether I thought my wake up song might be sent by Chuck or not. I will have to wait a little and see...

The alarm went off with "Every morning she rights the wrong for me." Sugar Ray song, and a sweet thought.

Sat Sep 4 2004 Monitor Howdy Do Monitor creaked at me softly a bunch of times and woke me up. I looked at the clock and it was 9:04. 9-4, 9:04! I told Chuck happy birthday and that I loved him and missed him. I don't think 9:04 has particular significance, but I don't know. I was pretty out of it at that time. I don't think that was the time Chuck passed. The accident was closer to 8:30, and he was gone instantly from what I know. Maybe that was when I first regained consciousness.